Sea of Flames
by erenjaegers
Summary: Having witnessed the horrors of that fateful day in Shiganshina, Lilianna Kriger accomplishes her dream to join the Survey Corps years later. However, unbeknownst to everyone around her, the seemingly cool, callous girl has hidden motives of her own, carrying deep, dark secrets from her past that haunt her to this day. Just what is she hiding and why? [Jean x OC x Levi]
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note_: Hello readers! This is my first SNK fanfic and I'm here to warn you that this fanfic is extremely angsty, tragic, violent, and psychological. Read at your own risk. Changed to rated T but I recommend mature audience if you're not great with bloody stuff. Please review, favorite, follow, etc! Thank you and enjoy the emotional rollercoaster! (:

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter One: Initiation

(WARNING: Strong language, nudity, and slight sexual themes. Also contains _manga spoilers_.)

"You, boy! What's your name?"

Instructor Keith Shadis, arms folded behind his back, glowered relentlessly down at the boy before him.

"M-me? I'm E-Edwin Ross, sir!"

"Stand up straight! Didn't your parents teach you how to stand properly?" Shadis bellowed, his sonorous voice blasting across the wide, dirt field. "Put your fucking legs together, straighten up your back, and hold up your head, you piece of shit!"

The meek boy gulped down the lump lodged deep within his throat.

"Y-yes, sir!"

Beads of sweat now rolled down his forehead, his eyes wide and teeth chattering as he rushed to amend his posture. He stiffly raised his head, all the while shuddering as if someone had seized his shoulder by force and had shaken him with all their might. I tilted my head to the side, keenly watching him from where I stood, unaffected by the fear that seemed to spread like wildfire through the other recruits.

"Where are you from, you pussy?! Huh? Tell me, horse shit!" the man boomed, teeth gnarled and his eyebrows narrowed to the point in which deep wrinkles permanently creased his forehead, leaving three distinct lines even as he relaxed his muscles. Young Edwin Ross yelped like an abused puppy, fear encompassing his rounded features as he struggled to retain his composure.

He would do no good.

Eventually, my interest in watching Instructor Keith Shadis reducing the weaklings to a mound of dust became close to nothing and I found my eyes drifting along the faces in the crowds for... anything, really. Some, I could tell, went through the same things that I had. The trauma was reflected in their eyes, whether or not they showed it in their facial expressions. Most shared that same helplessness as Edwin, the one that had prompted them to come here because they wanted to live in the innermost wall, safe from the clutches of the beasts that drove them there.

_Hopeless causes_. That's what I labeled them.

The harsh sun beat relentlessly down upon us - those who had their backs facing the sun were fortunate enough to have the prospect of only receiving minor sunburns along the back of their necks, whereas the other half of us would have to deal with the painful aftermath of the grueling heat tonight when we got into the baths. However, though the heat was difficult to tolerate, I didn't allow the it to push me down into submission, holding my chin up high and allowing my focus to resettle straight ahead of me as it had before.

The instructor, with his deep, sandy complexion and glinting, bald head, had finally reached my row and began to shout into the faces of those lined up before me. The dark, brown circles begirding his eyes bore right into the souls of the weak, serving as another means of intimidating them as if his berating wasn't enough already. He gradually advanced his way through the line before reaching the girl at my side. She was a petite one of around 146 centimeters with black hair that covered her deathly pale, terror-stricken face. She was as white as a sheet, her limbs quivering in the most inhuman way possible. It was as if I could crush her with just a single touch.

"Name!" the instructor snarled, showing no hint of mercy as he stared down the pitiful girl.

The girl flinched, unable to meet his cold gaze. "I'm... I-I'm..."

"Are you a fucking mute? I asked you for your name!" Shadis roared. "Or are you ignoring me?"

I hardly bat an eye as the poor girl was subjugated by the Instructor right next to me - he screamed at her, disparaging her until she gave him the answers he was looking for. She was left horrified as Shadis coolly sauntered away from her. She wouldn't last a single second on the battlefield.

Instead of interrogating me like he had the rest of them, he took a single good look at me and instantaneously knew what I'd gone through back in Shiganshina. He moved on to the shout at boy at my right, a few years older than most of us there but with the will and spirit of a child. He wouldn't do, not with that kind of childish mentality.

A few hours later and I was in the shower, washing off the dirt from the day with a bunch of other girls from the camp. Naked, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I hadn't been burned at all by the sun, even though I'd stood there facing the grilling heat for hours. I touched a hand to my face, pushing my dark brown hair from my eyes and staring right into my reflection. A scar was slashed across the middle of my back, about the length of my forearm, with several smaller, barely visible ones scattered around, some on my legs, some on my arms. It was strikingly clear the ordeal I went through That Day.

A few girls whispered and stared as they wrapped themselves in towels, leaving the showers and allowing waiting girls to come in. I rinsed off my hair, allowing the warm water to run over the gradually-disappearing scars, healing them with its comfort before grabbing a towel off the rack and heading out.

The dining hall was jam-packed with the small amount of trainees who didn't drop out, which was naturally only a small fraction of the original crowd. I grabbed a plate and some food before searching for a place to sit. Girls hushed as I passed by and boys stopped what they were doing to stare at me as I sat by myself in the back at a table nobody had yet claimed. Reclusive and in an unfamiliar setting with a bunch of faces I didn't know, I preferred to sit alone and make my own observations.

However, before I could even begin to assess those around me, someone put their plate directly across from mine and sat down with a dull thud. Lifting my head, I watched the boy through curious eyes, slightly surprised someone had dared to trespass into the territory I had just claimed for my own. The boy was about my age, with bright, striking eyes and short, brown hair. For a moment, I had felt as if I had known him from somewhere before. My shock had been quickly replaced with hostility when he looked at me, hoping he would be intimidated and run off to sit somewhere else. To my disbelief, he did not budge even in the slightest under my unrelenting stare and met my gaze with solid blue irises. The instant our eyes met, I knew he was different from the others here - something in his eyes set him apart from everyone else. There was an immediate mutual understanding between us; he had seen what I had.

"I'm Lilianna Kriger," I introduced myself, examining his features with piqued interest.

The boy answered me calmly,"I'm Eren. Eren Jaeger. Where are you from?"

"Shiganshina," I replied nonchalantly. "I was one of the firsts to encounter the Titans."

"Really? I'm from there, too," he said, hesitating for a moment. "I've never seen you before."

"Neither have I seen you. Jaeger, huh..." I found myself smiling lightly to myself. His friends entered the scene, one a boy with bright blond hair and the other a girl with long, jet black locks with a composure that envied my own. Eren nodded his head at me, silently bidding me goodbye as he moved to follow after them.

I was left to enjoy my solitude, watching from afar as Eren was bombarded with flocks of trainees, eager to hear of his tales from hell. I drank my tea, listening silently to what he had to say. Apparently, he, too, had borne the experience of of being an eyewitness to the horrors the Titans had wrought out upon us that one fateful day. The boy was bombarded by questions of all kinds and from all directions, the crowd perpetually unsatisfied with Eren's vague responses. I was grateful I hadn't let it slip where I was from to anyone else, or I was certain that they would do the same to me.

"Like I said, I saw them," Eren said.

"What?!"

"Really?"

"What about the Colossal Titan?"

"Yeah! How big is it?"

"Big enough for its head to peek over the wall," Eren answered. Reminiscing of the ordeal, with images of blood and tearing flesh flashing through my mind, the blood-curdling screams from That Day resonating through my ears, I clutched my stomach and fought the urge to gag.

At the start, Eren took on the questions with ease, feeding the curious crowd with his short-cut, simple answers, until one of them asked him what the normal Titans looked like. He suddenly tensed up, dropping his spoon into the mushy gunk of his soup before clamping his hand over his mouth, abruptly falling silent. As everybody gawked at him in anticipation, another kind-faced, freckled boy took notice of Eren and immediately took action.

"Let's stop with the questions, guys, I'm sure there are memories he doesn't want to bring back," he announced. A boy kneeling by the tableside, eyes round in an emotion akin to awe, hastily apologized.

"Sorry, about all the quest-"

"That's not it," Eren spoke. Grabbing his portion of bread, he bit off a chunk and munched on it to soothe the sickness swirling around in his gut. "Titans are really just a bunch of pussies. As long as we master the 3D Maneuver Gear, those things won't stand a chance! I've finally become a trainee. I... I just got too excited is all."

Everyone relaxed a little and awaited for the boy to continue with his train of thought. I picked up my empty plate and walked out of the room, standing outside the door and allowing myself to get some fresh air. I could still hear Eren talking, even outside. I leaned against the railing of the porch, allowing my long, dark strands to blow gently in the wind, carrying the sweet fragrance of strawberries along with it.

"I'm going to join the Survey Corps and exterminate every last Titan," Eren remarked, solidity and determination lathered into his firm voice. A symphony of gasps broke out into the others as they pressed him for even more details to satiate their never-ending curiosity. I held my hands out in front of me, the deep red markings in my palms visible in the yellow light. A single wing on one hand, and its complementary one in the other. Putting my hands together, the dim marks formed a pair of wings.

What I aimed for was further than Eren. His dream was feasible for someone of his kind, I would admit, but I doubted even he could strive for what I set myself out to accomplish. While I'd been daydreaming, a conflict had unfolded inside of the dining hall, and a boy with a cap of light-brown hair stood face-to-face with Eren, taunting him. I stayed there no longer, having no interest in petty scuffles, slipping away from the dining hall like a ghost into the night.

* * *

Maneuver Gear training started the next day. It took me a while to get it, but eventually, I could stay still, mid-air, without falling face-down into the rough dirt below me. Amazed at my dexterity, the people waiting in line after me watched as I received praise from the callous Shadis, who offered laudatory commentary as I walked back into the crowd. A few grounded girls and boys crowded about me, asking me how I'd mastered the Maneuver Gear in a manner of minutes.

"It's all in here," I'd said, and tapped on my skull. They took my advice to heart and tried it a few more times before eventually getting the hang of it.

I didn't talk very much to the others; they all had formed their own little groups already, and besides, I didn't exactly want to get close to anybody. Eren, however, sparked my interest - his mindset was truly admirable, albeit having his crazed moments once in a while. I found myself understanding him, especially his anger and his desire to become someone who would changed the fate of humanity. Surprisingly enough, in spite of his raw determination, he flopped every time he descended upon the Maneuvering Device, planting his face firmly into the floor and earning himself a bandage around the head and ridicule from his peers. The poor boy just could not balance on it, no matter how hard he tried.

I hadn't spoken to him since Day One, but we maintained a casual relationship, nodding at each other ever-so-often and saving one another seats in the dining hall. He wasn't a friend, but he was the only one I ever took interest in introducing myself to. Everyone else had introduced themselves to me somewhere along the way, or I'd somehow learned their names from others.

I had finished washing myself up late one night when I realized that there were no towels left in the girl's showers. So I was standing there, naked, and freezing to death. Nobody was around, being all huddled up in the cabins, most likely crowding around the kerosene lamps, leaving me to figure out a solution on my own. I had two options - either I could wait for someone to show up and brave the cold temperatures, or run across to the boy's showers a few buildings down and take the route out back to avoid being seen. If I'd gotten caught, it could mean the end of me. I was renowned for being Shadis' favorite pupil, but even he wouldn't tolerate my streaking across the training camp in my bare skin. Sighing in defeat, I sat there for a minute or two, shivering in the cold, before ultimately deciding I'd risk it and get a towel from the boy's showers.

Gathering myself, I poked my head out of the washing room and saw that nobody was out, just as I'd expected. By this time, everyone was in bed or hanging in the cabins talking to one another, including the boys. I stuck one foot out, putting on my slippers before dashing out, the icy wind slapping my face and biting into my skin as I rushed through the back of the buildings, ducking under windows and undertaking surreptitious methods to get to my destination as quickly as I possibly could. I had reached the boy's showers and saw that none of the lights were on inside. The laughs and chattering of the boys was distant and I could see the faint glow of lights coming from the cabin windows.

Exhaling in relief, I entered the small building and snatched a towel off of the rack, beginning to dry myself off with it. Thankfully, it had been thoroughly cleaned, so the sweaty smell of the male gender had been long washed away. I patted down my body and leaned over, allowing my hair to cascade down until it almost hit the wooden floor planks. I dried it off with the towel, a relaxed breath escaping my parted lips.

It felt good - to finally get clean after a long day of training. Today, Shadis had sent us out to the field for combat practice and following that, he had everyone run laps around the whole camp until we were worn out. We were also introduced into something else that I found challenging - hand-to-hand combat. I had never previously had any formal hand-to-hand combat training, so it was interesting getting formally instructed. I still had a ways to go, but I knew that with more effort, I might even surpass Annie Leonhardt, the star fighter of our class.

As I mulled about the happenings of the day, I heard what sounded like a door click open just down the hall. The light switched on before I had the time to react, leaving me in my bare nakedness to be seen, and to none other than... Jean Kirschtein, the one I had labeled in my books as the hardass who wanted nothing other than to live within the walls of Wall Sina. He had just come into the shower room, carrying fresh clothes under his arm when he had stumbled upon me, drying my hair in the middle of the boy's shower.

Speechless, he dropped everything he was holding onto the floor, his jaw hanging slack. Jean's olive eyes scanned the entirety of my body, not missing a single inch.

"What? Never seen a woman's body before?" I called to the mesmerized boy, almost laughing at his reaction. I cloaked myself with the towel calmly, hardly as embarrassed as he was.

"Y-you... What are you...?" he stammered, his face red as a beet. He almost fell from the doorway in his abashed state of mind.

"There weren't any towels in the girl's shower and I was freezing, so I came here to get one. I didn't expect someone would come in," I spoke, walking over to the nervous wreck and picking his new clothes off of the ground. "Is it okay if I borrow these? I forgot mine back in the girl's shower."

"Y-you can wear them... Just hurry up and put some clothes on before someone else sees," he said, tearing his eyes away. "I-I-I promise I won't look."

"Then cover your eyes," I almost teased. "Unless you want to see something, pervert."

"I'll cover 'em! Geez," he mumbled, then covered his eyes with his hand. "Just hurry it up, already, will you?"

For a fact, I knew he was peeking through his fingers as I took the towel off, slipping his clothes onto my body. I didn't care though - it was amusing, really, to see how flustered up he got. He must have never seen a woman's body before, judging from the manner in which he had reacted. I almost laughed as I pulled the shirt on, buttoning it from the bottom up. I then turned to face him, seeing that he was indeed peeking through the gaps between his fingers. Realizing he had been caught, Jean clamped another hand over, assuring me he wasn't sneaking any glances.

So obvious.

"I'm done, you can open your eyes now," I smiled, buttoning the last one as I said so. "Thanks, I owe you one."

"No problem," he replied, chuckling awkwardly. "Just give them back to me whenever! Yeah!"

"Alright, if you say so," I said, then moved to the door. He pressed himself against the wall to allow me to pass through, and out into the cold night I went. "You might wanna get a fresh change of clothes, then, Jean. You don't wanna freeze, do you?"

"R-right."

Jean scrambled off back to his cabin, leaving me by myself to trek to my own. A hint of a smirk gracing my lips, I ran a hand through my damp hair and walked off into the darkness.

* * *

Months and months passed, and before I knew it, the 104th Training Squad was heading towards graduation. I was now sixteen years old, and with my ambitions stronger than ever, proceeded with giving my full efforts in preparation for the upcoming assessments. Every night, I'd train by myself under the light of the moon, sometimes deep in the forest where I could fully concentrate and devote myself to the cause; however, during testing periods, I would always purposely try to rank lower than the other top students of my class as to not draw attention to myself.

I still preferred to stick to solitude, but nowadays I conversed on a more frequent basis than before - Connie Springer and Marco Bodt became my acquaintances of choice. Connie was nothing short of an idiot; he was apt enough and a good team player, however, he lacked the intelligence that was crucial for strategic fights and complexities. Marco, on the other hand, was diligent, hard-working, but too soft. He was a philanthropist, being kind and considerate of others more than he was of himself. What attracted me particularly to these unlikely two was the sense that I could trust them since they were so honest with themselves. The others I were more wary about - they tended to be more restrained, more tight-lipped, while Marco and Connie were simple and earnest.

Of course, spending more time with Marco meant another thing - seeing more of Jean Kirschtein, the shallow weakling who I'd somehow managed to bewitch. I practically had him under my jurisdiction. He was vulnerable to my flirtatious antics, being a younger boy with no sense of what women were like or what love was. I had my finger wrapped around him and I constantly exercised my authority over him often, just to make sure I still had a firm grasp over him.

Was it cruel? Perhaps it was.

But the question really was... if he knew it was cruel, why did he enjoy it so much? Sweet torture, that's what I called it. I didn't love him. The possibility of that was not zero, but at this point in my lifetime, love was simply a game, and I the master of it. Jean was the star player, the one who I could manipulate and control at will. He was an easy target, someone who willingly came to me even if he knew I was simply toying with his feelings. Deep inside, I knew it was wrong, but still, that didn't stop me from continuing with my methods.

A few weeks prior to graduation, I invited Jean, Marco, and Connie out to the lake in the forest. As soon as everyone had fallen asleep and old Shadis was snoring away in his lodge, we crept out of our bunks and met one another at the lakeside, twenty minutes away on foot. I was the last one there and removed my hood as I entered the scene. It was a full moon tonight, the luminescent, wondrous reflection bouncing off the surface of the clear water of the lake. We were shrouded in a mystic white light as I seated myself upon a boulder that Jean had set out for me.

"So, why'd you call us out here all of a sudden?" Connie asked, scratching his head in confusion. "Took you long enough to get here, too."

"Sorry," I smiled. "I just wanted to spend some time with you guys before we graduate, because then, we're all going different ways, aren't we?"

"Yeah. Jean and I are heading to the Military Police, right?" Marco sang, swinging his arm around his friend's shoulders.

"Yeah," Jean agreed. "Connie, what about you?"

The small boy puzzled over it for a minute before answering, "I don't know. Maybe the Garrison, or the Military Police if I rank... Just as long as I don't have to see those... those..."

"Titans," I finished, and cast my gaze far out across the lake. As I had expected, none of them was willing to enlist into the Survey Corps, whose job it was to fight the Titans. "Well, maybe you guys might all end up together, but as for me..."

"Where are you headed to, anyway?" Jean inquired. "Come to think of it, you've never told us where you plan on going."

I laughed.

"That's because I'm aiming for the Recon Corps."

All at once, they jumped back and stared at me with shock-filled eyes and dropped jaws.

"The Recon Corps!?"

"Are you crazy, Lilianna?! You'll get killed!" Jean cried out, aghast.

"H-he's right! I-I heard that sixty percent of the people that join die." Connie shuddered with the weight of his words, then grabbed onto my shoulders. "Don't join it. Get into the top ten, then join the Military Police with us. I know you're good enough to rank. That way, too, we can't be separated."

"Sorry." I removed his hands from my shoulders but held them in my own. "There's something I have to do. I'm just like Eren - did you forget I was from Shiganshina too?"

"I thought you were from Trost," Jean piped up, causing me to look back at him. "Didn't you say that?"

"No, I never did. I'm from Shiganshina and I was one of the first to encounter the Titans." The eerie, bone-chilling feelings evoked through my words struck a wave of terror throughout the three boys. They had never seen a single Titan before in their life. They didn't understand how it felt to have everything taken away from you in a single instant - as soon as the wall had fallen, everything I had was forcefully wrenched away from me and in the worst ways possible.

After long moments of silence had elapsed, Marco decided to break the ice.

"So, you're really joining the Survey Corps, huh? I can tell nothing is gonna change your mind." He smiled lightly and patted my shoulder. "I believe in you."

"M-Marco! You're not really going to let her join, are you?!" Jean exclaimed frantically. "...Connie, say something!"

Connie nodded his head, tightening his hold on my hands. "Please, listen to what we're telling you. Don't join, we can all just stick together and-"

"No, Connie," I firmly stated, standing up and walking to the lakeside. They followed after me, and the four of us stared into our still reflections, then out to the center of the lake where the mirror image of the moon sat, beautiful and proud. My sigh came out in the form of a puff of vapor before dissipating into the night air. For a while, there was no sound but that of nature and the sweet chirping of the crickets in the bushes.

"We really can't change your mind, huh?" Jean asked from beside me. Without looking up, I nodded my head and showed them the faded markings I had branded in my palms a few years ago.

"You see these? It's a reminder to myself not to stray away from my goals," I told them, allowing them to look at them for the first time in the two years I'd known them. "No matter what, I'm bound to the promise that I made to nt family. Cheesy as it sounds, I'm not letting what I've been doing here at this camp go to waste. I just can't disappoint them like that."

"The wings..." Connie murmured, then crossed his arms over his chest. "You're stubborn, you know that? You don't tell us this until now, when graduation is coming up! N-now it's going to be hard to say goodbye..."

His shoulders fell and I drew him close, hugging him gently. "Sorry."

"You won't change your mind, even of you're separated from us," Marco mused, "you're even more determined than you seem, Lilianna."

The four of us spent a little while longer hanging out by the lake before heading back together. We couldn't all return at once, and waited at the end of the forest, allowing one person at a time to go back to their cabins. First was Marco, then Connie, leaving Jean and I alone together in the brush.

"Good night, Jean," I said and started walking away. But before I could go, he stopped me, pushing me back against a tree. For a moment, I had been dazed, but I soon regained my usual cynical composure and gazed up at him through my lashes. "What is it, Jean?"

"You know what I'm going to say, don't you?" he almost whispered, one of his hands pinning me to the tree while the other rested beside my head. "I can tell you know what I'm going to say."

I touched my hand to his cheek. "No, Jean, I don't, I can't read minds. If you're going to play games with me, save it for tomorrow, okay? I'm getting kind of tired, you know? It's got to be past midnight by now."

"I don't care how late it is!" Jean replied, surprising even me with his boldness. The moon shed some light into his eyes, giving me a glimpse of what emotions he wanted to convey. "You know how I feel about you joining the Survey Corps."

His tone softened, and his anger quickly morphed into despair. "Please, come with Connie and Marco and I to the Military Police. I know you can rank in the top ten. That's all you have to do, then... Then, we won't have to split apart. We'll all be together," he pleaded. "We don't want you to die."

"Are you sure you're asking on behalf of Marco and Connie too? They've already accepted what I told them, so why can't you?" I demanded. "Unless... you're saying you can't bear to part with me."

His eyes widened when he realized I had him all figured out. If he really thought he could hide whatever it was he was feeling, he was wrong. I could read him as easily as I could a book. It was clear, clear as it could ever be what kind of things were running through his head as I laid everything he was thinking out on the table for him to see.

"...You're right. I can't," he finalized, then tightened his grip on my shoulder.

"Can't what?"

"I can't live being apart from you, Lilianna," he confessed. "Please, for me... just don't go."

"You're selfish, you know that?" I asked, a hint of a grin tugging at my lips. "I'm still not changing my mind, so anything you say is useless."

"Th-then... Tell me at least this; how do you feel about me? Tell me, dammit! Don't just smile at me and walk away!" he growled, as I pried myself free from his grip and sauntered off back to my cabin. I held a hand up as my goodbye and headed up the steps to the door. Before I could get inside, I was taken by surprise yet again when Jean came after me, slamming me against the front door of the lodge, the thud my body made loud enough to wake up everyone inside.

"Jean! Are you crazy?!" I hissed, glaring up at him. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Tell me, Lilianna! Tell me how you feel about me! It's been two fucking years already and I don't have an answer from you. I can't take it anymore. Why won't you say it, huh?!" he snapped, not giving a care in the world if he woke up the whole camp. "Just reject me right now! Do it!"

The sheer intensity of his gaze was matched with my own. I permitted his to overpower mine and softly took his hands, intertwining our fingers. I kissed him gently on the lips, then pulled away as I heard the sound of activity going on inside of the cabin. The ferocity in his face had vanished and he'd relinquished himself to me once more.

"Good night, Jean," I said, then went inside, leaving him to contemplate on the threshold. As I entered the room, I was greeted with the murmurs of girls who had heard the whole thing, of Jean's desperate attempts to try and squeeze a confession out of me.

_I didn't love him._

A smile of content played upon my lips as I climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head. It was time for some sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Two: Expedition

(WARNING: Strong language, violence, gore.)

After that incident, I invited Jean, out to the lake the following night. He was already there when I had arrived, and still wore his training clothes, which were caked in mud, dirt, and grass. He turned around when he heard me coming, then gazed back out at the wide body of water before him. I seated myself onto the ground next to him, leaning my head back to take a deep breath and closing my eyes. The boy didn't even move a muscle and continued to stare blankly out into space. My left hand found his right and rested on top of it as we sat silently out in a place isolated from the rest of the world.

"Three more weeks," was all he said, before picking up a pebble and hurling it into the water.

I watched him skim a few more pebbles before trying it for myself. Scooping a small rock up from the dirt, I pulled my arm back and threw it as far as I could. Mine bounced much farther than his, almost reaching the pristine reflection of the moon in the center of the lake. He sighed in frustration as I sat back down next to him, his brows knitting together in a tight crease in the middle of his forehead. Whatever he was thinking, for the first time since I had met him, I could not discern what kind of thoughts were running through his mind.

"I'll marry you," he suddenly blurted out, and took my left hand, pressing it against what separated his rapidly beating heart and I. "After this is all over... when I get older, we can get married." His hopeful, almost pleading eyes glinted in the light of the moon as his warm, callused hands tightened around my own cold ones.

"How about when I'm eighteen? Can you wait for me for three more years? When we're married, you'll quit the Recon Corps, right?" Seeming confident in his plans, what seemed like a smile ghosted his features for a single instant before vanishing with the passing breeze. He reached into his pocket, slowly withdrawing a shiny ring. "Lilianna, when I get enough money, I'll buy you a real one. A diamond one, even."

He slipped the silver ring onto my ring finger and pleaded to me through his needful eyes. I glanced at him for a moment before pulling my hand away and shaking my head lightly. Devastation wreaked havoc across his face as he scrambled to persuade me to accept his sudden proposal.

"But why?" he muttered. "Why the hell not, Lilianna? You love me, right? So why won't you say yes? That's all I'm asking for."

His despair, truer and more present than ever before, was plain as day as he ground his teeth, flinging a rock angrily into the lake. It made a loud splash, creating a disturbance of ripples that spread throughout, shattering the clear, serene reflection of the moon at the very center. He grabbed his hair in his hands, crying pitifully in confusion and hurt.

"What the fuck am I doing wrong?" he demanded. "You love me, right? Yesterday, you... you kissed me. Doesn't that mean you share my feelings?"

_Oh, what a foolish boy he was_... I felt guilty for breaking his heart but at the same time, I was appalled by what he thought love was. He was an imbecile, of course, but did I tell him that?_ No_. I simply retained that same l, cynical smile I always had, running my finger over the ring that betokened his apparent 'love' for me. The idiot truly thought that I loved him! Just the prospect of it made me giggle.

"What's so funny?" Jean snapped. "Why won't you say you love me?"

I pondered for a moment before turning to him with a smile. "Because, Jean... you're a child who needs to grow up. I don't love you and I never have. I won't marry you, and I'm not changing my mind about where I'm heading to. You can go and sit on your lazy ass and rot in the King's Palace with the rest of those bastards if you want to, but I won't take that route."

My harsh words sinking in deep, Jean stood up and ran off, back into the darkness and back to the camp that had been his demise from the very start, trapping him in that lonely box of torturous unrequited love since the first time he had laid eyes on me. I hummed amiably to myself, my thumb grazing across the silver ring. I slipped it off my finger and without so much as a second thought, flung it into the lake.

My back was starting to ache. I guess I'd spent longer sitting on the dirt than I had originally planned to.

* * *

At last, graduation had come around and I had purposely dropped myself from the ranks, though I knew I had the potential to place somewhere within the top ten. I had no desire to join the Military Police whatsoever and stood amongst the unranked trainees. The night of the celebration, all of our class gathered together for dinner in the city and a night of relaxation. I sat with Connie and also Sasha Braus, a strange girl with a penchant for food and the tendency to engage in unexpected, strange behavior. Meanwhile, Jean and I hadn't spoken at all since that incident a few weeks ago. A giant rift had formed in our tightly-knit friend group, but I had revealed nothing at all to Marco nor Connie, merely telling them to 'find out themselves' and allowing them to speculate.

Lifting up the cup I held in my right hand, my eyes darted across the room towards Eren, who had managed once again to find himself in a fight with the ever belligerent Jean. Eren eventually stormed out, Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlert, his loyal friends, following after him. Jean, with a throbbing red cheek, grumbled to himself before Marco ran over to console him. I shook my head, sipping my drink and watching as the silence gradually vanished and was replaced with a symphony of alacritous voices and joyful laughter. In the midst of it all, Connie suddenly bumped me with his shoulder, nearly causing me to spill my drink all over the place.

"Hey, sing with us!" he urged, grinning from ear-to-ear. Sasha swayed from side-to-side, waving a baked potato in one hand while pulling Ymir and Krista, an inseparable bunch, in with her other. "Hey, Jean, Marco! You guys, too!"

The tunes from back in our early days from camp were sung loudly, joyous voices coming together in a far from harmonized chorus. I laughed alongside their playful antics, hugging Connie's small frame against my chest, Marco at my other side hitting the deep notes, his surprisingly good singing voice resonating throughout the entire room. Everyone seemed to let go, at least, just for the night. Even I genuinely found myself having fun for the first time in such a long while.

After celebrating for a couple of hours, the party came to a close. However, instead of going to bed like everyone else, I slipped out for a walk around town, passing by a couple of bars where drunken men stumbled back and forth, hooting and hollering and shouting profanities. I stopped by one pub in particular after hearing a commotion going on inside. I pushed my way past bystanders to get a better look.

A gang of rowdy drunkards were picking a fight with two men wearing forest green cloaks about their shoulders. One look and I instantaneously recognized the infamous insignia stitched into their backs - the wings of freedom and the symbol of the Recon Corps. Advancing towards them, I forced my way through throngs of observers, the faces of the two men coming into focus. I came to a sudden stop, for it was the Commander, Erwin Smith, and the Lance Corporal, Levi whose name often passed through the lips of trainees and city-folk alike.

Finding myself frozen in place, a cold sweat ran down the back of my neck as I stood there, completely rooted to the spot as if someone had placed weights on my shoulders to keep me down. Those two faces I'd recognize anywhere. It had been a while since they had last come across my visual radar. My mind spun, random images from That Day flashing through my head in a crazed frenzy. I would have keeled over had I not been standing in a tight space in between excited onlookers.

Then, my hearing returned and a voice came out, loud and strong.

"William Miller - he's my son. He joined two years ago and died a month later! Where is his body, huh?" a man bellowed, tears streaming down his reddened face as he grabbed Commander Erwin's collar in his hands. He was grasping it so hard his knuckles went white from his sheer force. "Give us some peace of mind! All we want is his body so we can bury him! Please, I'm begging you..."

The man soon collapsed onto the ground in a messy heap of tears and whimpers, losing the will to continue berating him. He was hastily dragged away by his family, his wife and daughter helping him onto his feet and moving him from the scene before he could cause any more disturbance. I felt a pang of hurt in my chest as I watched his retreating form exit out the back of the pub, his wife and daughter's arms wrapped supportively around him.

"What about my daughter, Grace? Where is her body? What's the use of us giving you people our sons and daughters if you haven't done anything? Our taxes are raised sky high just to fund your lost cause!" another man howled furiously.

"We go hungry every night because we can't afford to pay for all the taxes. I have a wife and three daughters who are starving because of your failures!"

"Was it worth it, Commander Erwin? To give you both our money and our children? What have you accomplished in these past few years?"

"No amount of money compensates for losing both of my children!"

"Just give us their bodies, and we can finally be at peace!"

"Erwin, this is all your fault! My grandson has no father now that he died while under your command!"

One man, with a piece of broken glass in his hands, made a mad dash towards the tall, quiet Commander. Halfway there, Corporal Levi intercepted his attack, nimbly grabbing the man's wrist and forcing him to drop his deadly weapon. The man's face contorted into an expression of pain, crying out until Levi let him go. The small, yet strikingly unfazed male coolly brushed his hair out of his face, nodding to his superior.

"Let's go, Erwin."

The blond-haired man solemnly inclined his head, keeping it bowed low as he exited briefly with the other. They quietly left the scene, an angry mob of fathers and drunkards piling after them and shoving me around carelessly. I was compelled to tail after them, but by the time I had gotten outside, they were long gone, leaving an upset bunch outside of the pub.

* * *

Reaching the building we were supposed to say in during our qualification exam, I walked up and down the halls searching for my room. It took me several minutes before I could find the room I would be sleeping in. Almost as soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with an excited outburst from none other than Sasha, who had already managed to get crumbs littering the carpet.

"Oh, _great_..." I muttered as I came in, tossing my jacket off to the side. "Hi, Sasha. You're still up?"

"Of course I am! I wanted to see who was gonna be my roommate!" she exclaimed and giggled giddily. "I'm glad it's you, Lilianna! I don't know what I'd do if I was alone..."

"You'd probably bring a sack of food to sleep in the bunk above yours," I commented in feigned amusement. "I'm gonna shower real fast. We have our own bathroom, right?"

"We do! And it's clean! I checked."

As soon as I got into the bathroom, I stripped and got into the shower. For the first time in a long while, I got to bathe all by myself, curtain and everything. Nobody else was around, showering beside me like back at camp. Relief washed over me along with the hot, steaming water, soothing my aching muscles and jittery heart. Sasha was asleep by the time I came out, sprawled out on the bottom bunk in an unsightly fashion, legs all over the place and her mouth hanging open. A trail of saliva ran down her chin and ever-so-often she would let out a snore so loud she would shake as if someone had grabbed her by force.

Shaking my head, I climbed up onto the second bunk and laid out onto the pillow, shutting my eyes.

Time to sleep.

* * *

"Lilianna! Good luck today!" Marco shouted, Jean at his side as everyone assembled at headquarters. Today, I would finally get to see Titans for the first time in over four years. It would take all of my willpower to hold back from going down there all by myself and cutting all of them down one-by-one.

"Thanks, Marco," I responded, turning around and smiling slightly at him. "Where are you gonna be today?"

"Not sure... Hopefully it's somewhere close to you so we can talk," he beamed, retaining his usual composure in spite of the tense situation. "So you know what squad you'll be in?"

"No, not yet," I answered. I noticed Jean standing there quietly and decided to call him out. "What about you, Jean? Know which group you're going to be in?"

Shocked that I had suddenly addressed him, he took a moment to process my inquiry. "Huh? N-no, I don't know yet either."

"We're about to find out, I guess," Marco pointed out. "Either way, good luck to all of us!"

In the end, I had ended up maintaining cannons with Jean, who was still mulling over his fight with Eren the previous night. He and I hardly spoke, silently watching over the cannons and staring blankly at the Titans lingering down below, watching some of them claw at the walls and trying to climb them. I gazed down at them stoically, wishing for nothing more than to be able to dig my swords into their flesh and slice a chunk right out of the back of their necks. The need for me to murder them was insatiable and kept me itching to leave my post and go straight down where I could slaughter them.

I stopped myself from doing what my mind was telling me to do and glanced back at Jean, who was sitting around doing nothing. Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I decided to carry things out for myself and resumed the task of loading the cannons. If our superiors caught us dawdling around, we would be in trouble; trouble was out of the question, especially right after graduation. I stood by the weapons and waited for further instructions.

I pondered over what happened the night before at the pub. I couldn't believe I had actually seen Commander Erwin and Lance Corporal Levi. What were they doing there? No doubt, stopping by to grab a drink and becoming victims of badgering in the process. Lance Corporal Levi... He had an air of refinement around him, being remarkably calm and unaffected throughout the whole ordeal. He wasn't overly haughty, however; in spite of his outwardly callous demeanor, there was something in his eyes that seemed to speak otherwise. If things went as I had hoped, I would become a member of the Recon Corps under his authority and meet him face-to-face.

An outbreak of frantic cries interrupted my thoughts, bringing me back down to earth.

"What... just what the hell is that?"

"It's the Colossal Titan..."

"No way... What is it doing here?! This wasn't in our plan!"

Low and behold, several cannons down was the Behemoth, the Colossal Titan, which had spontaneously shown up during routine exercises. My heart skipped a beat as I stood there in utter disbelief, unable to comprehend what I was seeing. How was this even possible? We had all been here the whole time, how could we miss such a large Titan approaching us? It was almost as if he had shown up out of nowhere, reminding us he was still around to destroy humanity. Sensing my shock, Jean grabbed me by the hand, forcing me out of my daze and pulling me off of the wall.

"We've got to inform the superiors!" he shouted above the commotion. "Lilianna, come with me!"

Kicking into gear, I switched into 3DMG mode, leaping off and shooting straight ahead towards the Headquarters only a few streets away, Jean directly ahead of me. We zipped through the streets, my eyes dwindling back to the Colossal, who had swiped cannons off of the wall and proceeded in making another hole in it. If things continued this way, there would be hordes of Titans coming in to devour all of the innocent civilians in only a manner of minutes, maybe even seconds. Speeding up, I landed right beside Jean at the Headquarters, where other graduates from our class were already delivering the message. Jean and I glanced at one another, sharing a mutual foreboding feeling at the idea of an inundation of bloodthirsty Titans, ready for another attack on mankind.

In response to the sudden invasion, everyone was hurriedly employed to battle. The plan was consisted of three portions - to assist with supplying, to transmit information, and to keep the place clean of Titans. Front Guard belonged to the Stationary Troops, Middle for the graduates, and the Rear for the elite fighters of the Garrison. That meant everyone in our class would be in charge of Middle Guard, where Titans were sure to be roaming around in large numbers, Abnormal classes included. The Recon Corps just happened to be out and wouldn't be here to offer their expertise in such a time of need.

As I suited up for the mission, I was shaking in both excitement and in fear, for the true battle was beginning now. I wasn't a trainee anymore, but a true-blooded soldier who was going to kill every Titan that I saw. Either way, I was fully confident I was going to survive to the end of the day. I was hardly ready to die just yet without having accomplished anything. I propped up my equipment and sat down on the floor to pull on my combat boots, mentally preparing myself for what I was about to encounter. For the first time since That Day, I was going to come eye-to-eye with the monsters that had orphaned me and give them a taste of what hell felt like. The thought aroused my thirst for vengeance, causing my insides to stir in anticipation. I found it difficult to contain my excitement over entering the battlefield outside.

I saw two pairs of feet before me and looked up to see Franz and Hannah, a well-known couple from my class, assuring each other that everything was going to be okay in the end. Franz held Hannah by her shoulders, putting on a determined toughness to give her a sense of security.

"It's going to be alright, Hannah," he spoke. "I'll look out for you even if it's the last thing I do."

"If only you could say it, and know it'll be okay," I mumbled to myself as someone knelt in front of me.

It was Jean, who had shown up to send me off with good wishes. At least, that was what I supposed he had come to me for. Marco was nowhere to be found and was probably already outside, ready to set out. He had come on his own free will, seizing his only opportunity to speak to me normally, since it was completely possible that we would never see one another again. Of course, it wouldn't be me who would die - it was much more likely that he would, being as naive as he was.

"Hey."

"What is it, Jean?" I asked apathetically, sticking my swords into their slots. Pulling my long hair back, I pinned it all up in a sturdy bun and put on my jacket.

"Lilianna. Don't die."

I nodded. "I don't plan to."

"About what you said, that night..." he trailed off, then met my eyes with resolve. "I'll prove to you I can become a man. I may be a child to you, but I'll show you... I'll show you I can become someone you can't reject. I'll be a man worthy enough for you."

Taken aback by his sudden promise, I retorted gruffly, "You're a fool."

"Maybe. But I'm a fool who'll protect his friends no matter what," he said, undaunted by my harsh tone.

He smiled softly, patting my shoulder. "Good luck. And don't you dare die."

* * *

I wound up being grouped up with Edwin Ross, Jessie Meville, Lyle Kilsten, and Marco in the Middle Guard along with the rest of our class. Marco was our Squad Captain, being the only one who had ranked, and had proved to be a good leader. He was smart and overall optimistic, although he was just as terrified as everyone else was. He and I would lead the team as a duo and the other three would follow our commands. We stood atop the roof of an evacuated building, gazing out at the broken entrance out in the distance. The cannons were still firing away at incoming Titans, but it was obvious that they did nothing but stall for the time being.

The front guard was currently holding off Titans entering the breach in the wall, but they could only do so much. It was up to us to stop the monsters before they reached the Rear Guard, made up of the top fighters, including Mikasa Ackerman. The townspeople of the Trost District were still in the midst of evacuating and to guarantee their safe passage, we were in charge of preventing any Titan from passing our range of sight. My nerves shuddered excitedly as I tightened my grip on my swords. At last, I'd get a taste of Titan blood, after what they'd done to me five years ago. I was going to make them bleed so bad that nothing in the world would be louder than their pitiful cries of pain and nothing would be stronger than the stench of their blood in the air.

"Lilianna, you okay?" Marco spoke, frowning slightly. "You've been really quiet."

"Huh?"

I almost wondered if he had caught the bloodthirst coursing through my eyes for a second, but I realized he'd only asked because I had been so silent.

"Just a little nervous, that's all."

"'A little'? I'm shaking like there's no tomorrow..." Lyle admit, clamping a hand over his mouth to interrupt the vomit threatening to burst out.

"Why today, of all days?" Edwin cried out, tears running down his face. "I-I'm not ready for this...!"

"If it had been tomorrow... Maybe I would have been more ready," Jessie wept. "I don't want to die, not when I haven't visited my parents yet to say goodbye..."

"You guys..." I muttered, then stopped when Marco stepped in.

"Don't say that! You know this was eventually going to come," he argued, sweat rolling down his temple. "We haven't trained for two years for nothing. We can't give up when we're barely just starting. Don't you want to make your parents proud?"

"M-Marco... But..."

The three torn soldiers met Marco's gaze and were revitalized with a sense of duty. Straightening themselves up, they nodded their heads, wiping their tears away and swallowing their pride. They were soldiers now, not kids in camp. Sooner or later, they would have to fight Titans and sacrifice themselves for the dignity of mankind. It was a cruel, harsh reality, but one that couldn't be denied. The only way to keep yourself sane was to convince yourself your life was worth it and that your dedication to your cause would actually prove to benefit something. What kept me calm was my strong motivation to accomplish my goals - what I was shooting for was so close; I couldn't betray myself and my family by letting it slip away when it was right before me.

Imbued with newfound stability, our three comrades got themselves together and prepared for battle. Two 5-meter class Titans were bumbling nearby at the clock tower, searching for human prey. A fire ignited in my chest immediately, I set out to destroy them.

"Lilianna! Wait for us!" Marco shouted, then dashed right after me. Edwin and Lyle took the rear and Jessie the center as we moved in. Jumping along the slanted rooftops of abandoned buildings, I leapt off one of them, launching my shooting mechanisms to guide me through the streets and dead ahead towards my targets. It was far from smooth, but the rush of the air further heightened my senses. The grotesque, alien-like creatures caught sight of us, sick smiles spreading across their faces as they moved towards us.

"Marco! I've got this one!" I said, going in for the kill. I dodged it's lunging, outstretched hand, winding through under its arm and propelling myself back around to slice its neck.

Exhilaration ran through my lungs as I gained momentum, spinning wildly with my swords poised for the strike. The sound of, and the sensation of my swords digging into the back of the Titan's neck gave me a profound feel of what ecstasy truly was. I carved a huge piece out of its flesh, fresh, dark red blood exploding out of the gaping crevice I'd created in its neck.

"So this is what it feels like..." I whispered, zipping over the falling body and landing with a hop beside an astonished Edwin.

"Lilianna! You went in without the rest of us!" Marco scolded, though he was genuinely impressed with my expert maneuver. He hadn't expected something of the sort from me, seeing as I hadn't even ranked in the top ten of our class.

Little did he know what kinds of things I did instead of sleeping like everyone else did - I slept little, taking that time to practice by myself until I could no longer move, then falling asleep in the middle of the clearing where nothing but nature could lie beside me. Working that hard proved to be all worth it. With those skills at my disposal, there was no Titan I couldn't rip apart. I flicked the blood off of my sword, watching as it evaporated in the form of steam into the atmosphere. The thrill was real and it was enlightening. All I wanted to do was to kill and kill more and more of them.

"...Lilianna? You alright?"

Jessie was standing in front of me, gripping my arm in worry.

How long had she been right there without me noticing her?

Lyle, Edwin, and Marco were staring at me, half in worry, half in an amazed wariness over my sudden behavior. I put on a smile and nodded my head.

"Sorry. I was just dazed, is all."

"No time to waste. There's another one coming at us. This time, we operate as a team, okay?" Marco ordered, then took off. My teammates and I followed after him, baiting the Titan before moving in for the deadly blow. Lyle had the honors of doing so, leaving me with a leftover emptiness that desperately needed to be satisfied.

"There! Look!" Edwin suddenly exclaimed, eyes rounded in terror. More and more Titans were flooding our area, having broken through the front guard.

"Damn! Is the Front Guard wiped out?!" Lyle growled.

"...There are way too many... We'll never be able to defeat them all..." Jessie gulped, the wild fear coming back to haunt her and the others.

Lyle bit his nails nervously, trying to withhold his obvious terror. "We... we have to stop them before they reach the Rear..."

Marco agreed and lifted his sword. "We can't let everyone down! Let's stop them in their tracks right now! Lilianna, you stay at the end this time. Back up the others." In spite of believing his tactic having no water, I proceeded with his orders and stayed at the back, helping the other when needed and hardly getting a kill at all. It was frustrating to sit back and act as bait, rather than murdering them all myself, but I had no choice but to abide to Marco's words.

We experienced little problems, taking a few more out, but were shocked to see that the numbers kept increasing rather than decreasing like we had expected it to. It just didn't make any sense, no matter how I looked at it. Surely, the numbers would have dropped after all we had done, along with the other squads... Had the Front Guard truly been annihilated? That seemed to be the only logical answer for this influx of Titans.

"We're moving too slowly," I stated. "There's too many to continue doing this group formation. At this rate, it'll be impossible to hold them back."

"Lilianna's right," Edwin said. "We should team up with another group to get rid of them faster."

"We can't do that," Marco shook his head. "If we team up with another squad, it'll be much harder to retain our mobility and plus, it'd become too hectic too fast. But Lilianna's right... We have to start doing individual kills. That's the only way we can hold them back long enough for the others to take care of the remaining Titans."

"S-so you mean to say..." Jessie stammered.

"We stick together, but no more group maneuvers. Just remember everything we've learned and everything we've done up to this point. We can't let them win," Marco instructed.

"I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die," Edwin broke out into a fit of violent sobs. "I can't do this...!"

I paced over to him and without prior warning, brought a knee to his stomach. He doubled over from the impact, coughing out clumps of saliva as the others began to protest my actions.

"You _will_ die, if you stand here and do nothing but complain," I reprimanded. Jessie and Lyle, against me putting him into place, tried to pull me back. Marco allowed me to knock some sense into the weakling, watching as I kicked him around few more times, scolding him.

"Feel that pain? It shows you're still living," I coldly berated. "If you're still alive, make yourself useful. We're not children anymore. We're soldiers. Everyone is trusting us to kill these motherfuckers so we can't let them down. If you're going to sit here and cry like a fucking pussy, you have my permission to. But I'm not dying a pitiful death like you are. I'm going to kill those things and prove to the world I'm not a useless piece of shit. I want to die knowing I did something. Can't you prove yourself useful and get off your ass? Don't let everything we did go to the dumps."

I paused to see his reaction. "Why are you here? What was all the years of training and all of that blood and sweat for? So we could toughen up and slaughter these things, right?"

"Lilianna...! Stop it, you're hurting him! We don't have time to fight each other!"

"I'm not hurting him, I'm knocking some sense into him. You're right, though. No time to waste on hopeless cases on him. Let's go."

I dusted of my hands and turned to leave. As I did so, something grabbed onto my shoulder and stopped me in place. Edwin, with a bloody nose and bloody mouth, breathed heavily and picked himself back onto his feet.

"You're not leaving without me, are you?"

I smiled.

"_No_."

We all proceeded and continued with our mission. It was amazing, feeling the air flapping in my ears and spurring me on to victory. I downed four more Titans before pausing for a breather beside Jessie, who had hurt her arm when slicing one of her targets. Her brows knitted together in pain as she clutched her bad arm, teeth gritted as she winced.

"You going to be okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine. But... What the hell is that?"

I directed my gaze in the direction she was pointing out and to my horror, an Abnormal-Class titan was barreling through the air, quick as a bullet towards our group.

"Abnormal! Move out!" I yelled, readying myself for a narrow escape. Before I could move, I was suddenly hit with a violent, bone-crushing force that shifted the ground beneath my feet, throwing me off my balance. I pitched backwards towards the cement down below and to my demise.

"F-fuck...! Not now!" I cursed, my hands frantically searching for my shooting mechanism. The air pressure, however, rendered my arms useless and forced my arms up in a helpless, vulnerable position. I was falling straight down at rocket speed and would die in a matter of seconds from impacting the hard ground. All I could see was the clear, calm blue sky above, getting farther and farther away and my hands grabbing at nothing, _nothing_ but thin air.

"No! ...Mom, Dad, Aaron-"

Before I hit the ground, I was swept away, rescued by someone last minute. My eyes darted around before finally landing on someone's face - that of Edwin, who had dirt, sweat, and blood coating his face. He dropped me off on the top of a house, pausing to catch his breath. Shaking from my close call with death, I fell onto my hands and knees, trying to regulate my short breaths. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest as if someone had injected it with some kind of stimulant to kill me from shock.

"Lilianna! Edwin!" Marco called, then came to a stop beside us. "You okay?!"

"Fine," I lied. "But where's Jessie? She was right next to m-"

The Abnormal Titan that had launched itself directly at us carried Jessie in his hand, or at least, what remained of her. Her torso was completely severed off and was now slipping down the demon's throat. The bloody bottom half of her body was carelessly flung to the side, landing yards away from where we stood. Mortified, I gaped in disbelief as the wretched, loathsome creature turned to grin at me, as if it were mocking me for being unable to do a thing. It hummed a song of content, licking its ugly lips in an obscene manner as it slowly stood up on its two feet.

"Bastard! You killed her!" Lyle bellowed, appearing in the sky with his swords raised high. "I'll cut your fucking brains out!"

"Lyle, don't!" Marco screamed, then dove in after him. Edwin and I followed suit, fury and vengeance polluting our judgment.

I was going to butcher the thing like a pig and hang its body parts across the city for the Titans to see. I sliced up its arm, severing what senses he had and dicing it right off. Shrieking in anger, I resumed with the torture as Marco, Edwin, and Lyle worked around me, trying to get at its neck. But with it thrashing under my mad ministrations, that was nothing short of impossible. In my erratic frenzy, I cut wherever I could with the intention of disabling it and making it suffer for what it did to Jessie. I kept on going and going, even though I knew that at any moment, my blades could fall off and leave me unarmed.

"Lilianna! _Stop_! We can't get its neck like that!" Marco snapped, shouting over the cries of the Titan. "Stop it!"

Ignoring his orders, I continued to direct myself in a revolution around the Titan, digging my sword into its hind legs, its thighs, everywhere I could reach. I would have laughed, had I not been so angry as I was. The thing was going to pay and I was going to be the one to cause its perpetual suffering. Things suddenly turned for the worst. After I had stopped its legs from functioning, the Titan fired up, enraged, and swung its arms wildly around, howling so loudly it felt like my eardrums would burst. The others were forced to temporarily back away as it smashed through buildings, narrowly missing Marco.

"Lilianna! Didn't you hear me? I said to stop it, _now_!" he hollered.

"Leave this thing to me! I'll make it suffer for what it did to Jessie," I shouted. "I'll handle it!"

"You're going to get killed!" Lyle growled, then rejoined the struggle against Marco's orders. He was smashed in the process, his body splatting into the side of a building after the raging Titan caught sight of it. Suddenly, I froze midair and watched in horror as Lyle became nothing more than a malleable blob of blood and flimsy flesh on the streets below.

"Lyle," I breathed. "..._Lyle_!"

The Titan collapsed onto the ground as I fell to the ground on my knees, my eyes focused on the heap of blood on the ground just meters away from me. Lyle Kilsten, the one with two little sisters patiently waiting back at home for him to come home, was dead, dead because of my selfish maneuvers. It took all of my willpower not to give myself up to the Titan as well. Staring at what remained of my teammate, I realized I had been speaking to him just minutes before. I emptied out my stomach onto the sidewalk, unable to withstand such a gruesome sight. His eyes were staring dead straight, seemingly right into my very being.

I hurled again, my vomit coming out in another round. I couldn't believe what I had done - I had committed the greatest sin possible, killing my own ally. I killed Jessie, too. If I had only noticed the Abnormal seconds before, I could have prevented her from dying.

"What are you doing? Get out of there!" Marco called from the side. Edwin had finished up the Abnormal while I had been throwing up and offered a hand out to me, eyes plagued with silent lamentation.

"I'm sorry, give me a moment," I muttered before getting up on my own. Marco didn't scold me. The three of us remained silent as we regrouped and stared out at another round of incoming Titans.

"Marco, I-"

"It's not your fault. Forget it," he smiled weakly, squeezing my arm. "There's a problem, though. I'm running low on gas."

"Same here," Edwin quietly said. "Let's find the others."

We discovered everyone else not too far from the Headquarters, which has been swarmed and taken over by the Titans. Everyone else, who had endured similar trauma to what we had, stood and sat around helplessly, low on gas and with little options left. Jean stood up when he saw Marco, immediately going over to him and grabbing his shoulders.

"Marco! Where's the rest of your team?" he asked, seeing as it was now only the three of us left. I walked away before I could hear his response, sitting by myself in a corner with my knees hugged to my chest. Holding my palms out, I saw the faded marks of the wings in my hands and pictured my family.

What would they think of me if they saw me right now?

Pitiful, sick with guilt, and far from my usually callous, composed expression. I couldn't allow anyone else to see the state I was in and faced away from the others. The withdrawal bell rang just then, ordering us all back. But how could we go when we had no gas left? According to the others, those at Headquarters had called it quits and barricaded themselves inside, leaving us stranded with no gas in our tanks and with tarnished spirits.

What was the point of it all? We would all die, sooner or later. And I, I wouldn't be able to carry out my mission...


	3. Chapter 3

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Three: Fight Back

(WARNING: Strong language, violence.)

Just when we thought all was a hopeless cause, Mikasa arrived onto the scene, out of breath and in search of Eren. As soon as she had arrived, everyone had lifted their heads up, a small glimmer of hope shining in their dark, traumatized eyes. The girl scanned the crowd for that familiar tuft of dark brown hair but could not find him. Speaking of Eren, just where was he? It wasn't possible he had gotten eaten, was it? I saw no sign of either him nor his team, save for Armin who was a crying mess in the corner. Mikasa hastily approached him, stooping down to his level to console him.

"Where's Eren?" she asked.

"Thomas Wagner, Nack Teaz, Millius Zermusky, Mina Carolina, Eren Jaeger... bravely fell in the line of duty..." Armin piped up.

_Eren's dead?_

Burying my face in my hands, I ran my hands through my hair, slowly rocking back and forth to calm myself. People were counting us. We couldn't afford anyone holding everyone back by being an emotional mess. The grieving, the guilt, the anger - it could all wait until later, when it was appropriate. For now, we had to piece ourselves back together and figure out a way to get everyone back into shape. From the looks of it, there was still a thin strand of hope that everyone was clinging onto - the key to our survival was getting everyone back onto their feet, even if our prospects looked bad.

"Lilianna," a voice called. It was Connie, who offered me a hand. "We're about to storm the Headquarters. You coming or what?"

"Of course I am," I said, taking his hand. If I wanted to recover, now was my chance. At least I knew I wasn't alone on this one.

Guided by Mikasa and Jean, who rallied up the soldiers idly standing around, everyone proceeded with the plan to storm the Headquarters and cut down anything standing in our way. I regained my strength and will to fight, and side-by-side with Connie, I headed towards the front of the group, wielding my swords and zooming straight ahead. I wanted to relive the thrill of Titan-killing but found myself right behind Mikasa, who had taken down all Titans standing in her way. That left less for me to kill, so I was forced to change routes and took one a different path by myself. People eventually followed suit, tailing right behind me as I mowed down any Titan in my path.

"What the hell, Lilianna?! Since when were you so fast?" Connie yelled from afar, seeing the joy ride I was cruising on.

"Since when was I slow? That's the question here," I hollered, my confidence gradually returning as I burrowed my way through the neck of another Titan.

"Almost there," I muttered, seeing that the Headquarters was looming up ahead. I suddenly heard a crash right beside me and stopped, skidding along the rooftop until I came to a screeching halt. Mikasa had run out of gas, and had fallen down, Armin and Connie diving after her. Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Fubar, top-ranked students from my class, saw me slow down and urged me to continue on without them.

"Keep moving," Reiner called.

"They'll catch up later on. The most important thing now is for us to continue or we'll all end up dead," Bertholdt added.

Tom, a peer of ours, had run out of gas and had landed himself in a sticky situation. Titans, attracted by the high concentration of humans, began to swarm around him, looking for a meal. Some of us flew in to rescue him, while Jean ordered everyone else to stay back. It was far too late to help them, anyway. I watched as they were easily devoured, shaking my head and reluctantly moving on. Bertholdt and Reiner were right - I couldn't waste any more time by standing there when I only had a limited amount of gas left in the tank.

Propelling myself high up into the sky, I aimed right for one of the windows of the Headquarters, bracing myself as I went right through, tumbling roughly onto the floor of the room inside. Members of the supplies squad were huddled under the desks, crying in a state of helplessness as Titans roamed around the storage base below. The others came in after me, Marco and Jean being the first and everyone else following. I dashed over to Marco, whose eyes were wide in that familiar look of pure desolation.

"Marco!" I exclaimed, grabbing his shoulder.

He looked at me, relieved that I had survived up until that point. "Lilianna, you made it. Thank goodness..." He glanced around the room, as if counting the faces. "Just how many of us made it here?"

Crying out in anguish, Jean realized how many people had just died on the way to the Headquarters. "I utilized my own comrades' deaths... Just how many people died on my watch?"

Shuddering, his trembling eyes suddenly came to a rest on the people huddled under the table. "Hey, you guys are from the supplies troops, right?"

"Yeah-"

A smacking sound was heard as the quivering boy from the supplies troops was delivered a blow to the face. Marco held the enraged Jean back, yelling at him to stop before he could continue unleashing his pent-up frustration on the guy.

"It's their damn fault! They fucking hung us out to dry!" Jean shouted angrily, trying to free himself from Marco's hold. "So many people died pointlessly because of you, you asshole!"

The girl, who had risen to defend their actions, covered her companion with her arms. "Titans were invading the supplies!"

"We couldn't do a single thing because of you! You should have figured something out! That's your job, isn't it?" Jean retaliated mercilessly, showing no signs of letting down. If things continued this way, an ugly brawl would ensue and having emotions getting out of hand certainly would not benefit us in any way. Knowing Jean, he wouldn't let them slip away so easily, so it was up to the rest of us to step in and stop him before he got too carried away.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to drop it. There was no use pointing fingers now that we were here. Besides, we would end up needing their help anyway if we wanted any supplies. He glanced at me, his hard stare instantly softening at the sight of my face.

Then...

"_Watch out_!"

A great boom sounded as something suddenly pounded in through one of the walls, causing the floor beneath our feet to quake with a violent, angry force. Debris blasted in at the impact spot, narrowly missing me as I shielded my neck and head with my hands. A huge Titan had knocked a huge crater into the wall, giving it and other loitering Titans a clear view of all of us hiding inside. The stone began to crumble away, threatening to cave in as the Titans jutted their heads inside, eyes wide and alert and mouths hanging open, saliva running down their chins as they eyed us hungrily. There were way too many people gathered in one spot; it was only natural that something of this nature would happen.

"N-no way..."

"We're all gonna die...!"

"Get inside! They'll knock down the whole wall soon enough! We gotta get outta sight!"

"Where is she? Where's Mikasa?!"

"She ran out of gas and got devoured a long time ago!"

"What? Shit, shit shit... we're fucked, we're totally fucked!"

Panic spread fast and people ran for their lives, quickly heading to exit the room and going deeper into the building. There was a series of crashes as three figures tumbled into the building through unbroken windows, landing in a pile beside me. It was Connie, who I long feared dead, along with a very-much alive Mikasa and Armin. Connie had just made it in the nick of time, having run out of gas with that last maneuver that had landed the three of them safely within the headquarters.

"Hey, guys!" Connie announced, pointing outside the gaping hole. "That's an Abnormal who kills its own kind!"

A 15-Meter Class Titan was running around outside, punching and slaughtering as many Titans as he could, including the ones surrounding the Headquarters. Astounded, I approached the crater, gazing outside at the long-haired Titan angrily bashing in the face of another, beating it down until it could stand no longer. It was unlike anything I could ever comprehend - a Titan, going against its_ own_ kind? That was impossible.

"If we make good use of it, we can escape out of here with no problems!" Connie continued on, clearly enjoying his time in the spotlight.

"Make use of it?"

"You mean to rely on a Titan for help? That wouldn't sound out of place in a dream, but in real life..."

"I don't care if it's an Abnormal or whatever. Just let it carry on its little rampage until it runs out of fuel. Realistically speaking, this is the only plan likely to give us the highest chance of survival," Mikasa explained to a crowd of mortified, uncertain soldiers.

"She's right," I consented to her plan. "At this rate, this Abnormal will get rid of all of the Titans crawling around the Headquarters. We'll only have the ones downstairs to deal with, then, if all goes well. I'm going with their plan."

Mikasa and I exchanged nods, Connie sighing in relief. "Great! Then let's get outta here first, then plan for later."

* * *

A group of graduates banded out in search of supplies as the rest of us congregated in a separate, internal storage room. A majority of the people were panicking, crying or falling into a state of shock. Meanwhile, I sat alone in a corner with my back against the wall and my eyes closed as I tried to get some rest. Reiner, Annie, Bertholdt, and Connie sat close by, discussing everything Connie knew about the Abnormal running loose outside. I listened in quietly but offered no commentary or questions. A group of girls were seated close by me, eyes closed and silent sobs escaping their throats as they prayed for a miracle.

Praying would get them nowhere.

"So, just how much do you know about that Titan?" Reiner demanded.

"Who cares? It saved us!" he retorted indignantly.

"That's true... Saving us, that's the first step," Reiner mused, just as the door swung open.

The group had returned with armfuls of old artillery rifles, coated in thick layers of dust and dirt. I was handed one and moved to wipe off the dust caking the weapon. I was also handed a few bullets, which I loaded into the barrel. Connie, who was observing in amazement, scooted over to me for help.

"How'd you do it so fast? Teach me!"

Moments later, after everyone was properly armed, Armin briefed everyone in on the strategy that he'd devised along with Marco and Mikasa. Everyone crowded around to look at the floor plan sprawled onto the ground, internally corresponding everything Armin said with the map.

"First, we're going to use the lift to lower people down through the central roofing. If those Titans waiting below are normal ones, they'll immediately be drawn to the center, as they are attracted to human concentration. While they're moving towards the lift, those on the lift will begin to simultaneously fire at their heads to rob them of their eyesight. As that's happening, seven people will ambush from the rooftops, going in and slicing their necks," he explained. "This strategy relies on us giving it our all in this one objective. Everyone's lives are on the line."

I joined those on the lift, loading up my gun and readying myself for what was to happen. Everyone piled onto the lifts, guns in hand and holding their breaths. I was back-to-back with Marco, who was placed in charge of calling the shots. The lift was slowly lowered into the supply room, immediately catching the interest of the Titans roaming through the stocks. There was a series of tense gulps as everyone set eyes on the Titans, who had already begun to lumber towards us. To our relief, they were all 3-4 meter class, normal type Titans.

I aimed my gun at the one coming my way, patiently awaiting Marco's call. Meanwhile, everyone else had frozen up in fear, being in such close proximity with the Titans and practically unguarded. I, however, calmly stared into the face of the long-haired one coming at me, cocking the gun and aiming directly for its eyes. I was keen on blasting them so bad that it would be impossible for it to ever regenerate them.

"_Fire_!"

The plan had been a success and now I had the opportunity to fill up my nearly empty gas tank. It was a relief, really, to finally be able to get what we had come for and get out of here. With our replenished gas, we could easily scale the wall and return to the safety of the unmarred territory. I was one of the first out and stood atop the Headquarters, watching as the Abnormal from before was being cannibalized by a batch of other Titans. Strangely enough, it showed no signs of regeneration either, which made it even more peculiar. I had a strange gut feeling that there was something in particular about this Abnormal that set it completely apart from the rest of its kind.

First of all, it had saved Connie, Mikasa, and Armin, then killed off of bunch of its own, paying no heed to the rest of us when it could have easily smashed the building and snacked on everyone hiding out inside. Now, it was being consumed by others and showed no signs whatsoever of being able to self-repair its wounds. In spite of its seemingly hopeless situation it managed to break free, beating down the ones that had tried to eat him, biting into the neck of an incoming one and flinging it like a sack of meat into a nearby building. It tossed its head back and gazed up into the sky, howling in fury.

It was almost as if it were some kind of manifestation of mankind's anger.

"Looks like it's finally run out of juice," Jean commented as the Abnormal fell face-first onto the ground. "It's no biggie, now is it? Let's go. There's no way we can make an ally out of that thing. A Titan is still a Titan."

"Jean. Wait." I held him back before he could leave. There was movement down by the fallen Titan but it was steaming so much it was hard to make out. Ignoring everyone's protests, I launched myself down to ground level, taking a few circumspect steps towards the Titan. If it were to attack me, I would have my swords ready to cut it down.

"Lilianna, you crazy or what? Get back up here!"

To everyone's utter bewilderment, a figure emerged from the base of the Titan's neck, rising up through the steam. _It was Eren_.

* * *

"Fuck... What the_ hell_ is going on?" Connie exclaimed, sitting down on the threshold of a restaurant and burying his head in his hands.

"It's confidential, but they're going to reveal it sooner or later," I answered to a curious, confused bunch.

Ymir scratched her head apathetically. "Confidential, huh? That's what they're calling this? We're sitting around here, waiting for God knows what."

"If we're just a little more patient, I'm sure we're bound to have some kind of announcement," Krista interjected softly. "Lilianna, what do you know about this?"

"Sorry. I don't think I can really say."

"Everyone's going to find out soon enough. There's no way they can hide this from everyone, at this rate... Besides..." Jean added, then looked up at the wall. "Something is taking place behind there as we speak."

"Where's Eren?" Krista asked. "Mikasa and Armin too, they don't seem to be around."

I shook my head, then glanced over at Marco, who was comforting Daz off to the side. He was a mess of tears and desolation, as was a majority of the others who had just been given a front-row seat to the terror and the brutality those Titans were capable of. I didn't blame him for being traumatized, but I looked down on his weak mind and the fact he was incapable of keeping himself together in a time where there was no room for weaklings like him.

It wasn't the time to be mourning - that could wait until later.

The blasting of a cannon disturbed the air, causing everyone to turn back and look at the wall. Just what was happening in there?

Before I knew it, I was suiting up for my second mission, the reconquest of Trost. Eren would be the primary focus of this task. After he had emerged from the body of that Abnormal Titan earlier, we had come to learn that he possessed some kind of strange ability, one that gave him the power to 'Titan-shift', as we termed it. He was entrusted with picking up a huge rock, carrying it over to the breach in the wall, and covering the hole the Titans were flooding in through. It was risky, Eren's Titan ability being an uncertain variable, so the ambiguity in the mission itself was enough to scare off large quantities of soldiers.

Dot Pixis, a well-respected, highly-renowned official from the Garrison, was the man in charge of this expedition. He seemed terribly confident in Eren's abilities. I knew for a fact it was all just an act - Eren's 'Titan-shifting' was capricious, after all. Nobody really knew whether or not he could pull off such a task and we were throwing so many lives away if he failed. All we had to do for now was to bait the Titans and draw them to one wall while Eren and the elite fighters moved to blockade the hole in the wall.

"There are so many of them," Reiner mused, seeing how many had massed together against the wall. There had be dozens and dozens and dozens of them congregating there, hands scraping against the wall as they tried in vain to scale the wall and reach all of us standing up top. The sheer number of Titans was terrifying, and that wasn't even all of them, only a small portion.

The task of drawing them all to one side was successful - however, the loss of life was still gruesome in spite of all of our attempts to prevent any deaths. The worst thing was, while someone was getting eaten, everyone was standing there, all the soldiers, watching in agony from where they stood, unable to do a thing. I kept my eyes focused down at the pit of Titans to avoid seeing things like that. I didn't have the stomach nor the heart to watch people die right before my eyes. Even as callous as I was, watching people perish before me was something I just couldn't bear, especially after all I had seen That Day.

A squad captain from the Garrison paced over, calling me and a few other graduates out. He briefed us on our task, which was to go down into Trost to lure the Titans towards the corner, keeping them from going after Eren.

"Do you understand? You won't have to fight. Cadets will form groups of three and run on the ground. Once you're under the wall, climb up and over it," the officer informed. "And try not to die. If by some minuscule chance any Titans stray away, we'll crush them."

"Minuscule chance? I'd say it's more likely than that," Jean muttered.

"Are we free to act as we see fit in an emergency?" Annie inquired. The officer turned, and nodded his head.

"If you can sort it out that way, sure."

"Kirschstein Team, move out!"

"Yes sir!"

Jean, Connie, and Annie set out together, leaving Marco, Edwin, and I remaining. We exchanged glances before starting as well, kicking right into gear. The three of us teamed up, moving together out into Titan territory. Only fifteen minutes into the mission, something went wrong. I had lost sight of Edwin, leaving Marco and I at a loss for a solution. He had somehow gone astray, disappearing before we even noticed. I stopped atop a clock tower, shielding my eyes from the harsh glow of the sun as I scanned the area for any sign of him. I saw Jean, Connie, and Annie not too far off, but Edwin was nowhere to be seen.

"Lilianna! No time to look for him. Let's lead these to the corner. We'll find him along the way, I'm sure of it. Let's go!" Marco shouted from the rooftop of another building. I hesitated for a moment before reluctantly following his lead, swinging past two 7-Meter Classes and attracting their attention. Zooming through the streets of the Trost District, I was able to see little bits and pieces of the destruction that the Titans had caused. Blood, disfigured corpses, debris, and body parts were strewn out all over like Christmas decorations during the winter season. Buildings were smashed into and demolished, and the wreckage was tremendous all over.

It would take days to collect and identify the bodies that we could and possibly weeks to patch up all of the damage. I thought about Jessie and Lyle and wondered - how would their families react to the horrible news?

I skidded to a sudden stop, pivoting around to stare at the four Titans that had lumbered after me. Just looking at their hideous faces, their dumb expressions, their disproportionate bodies made that desire to slaughter them even stronger than before. I wanted to experience that rush, that elevated glorious rapture as I sunk my blades into their flesh and tore out their necks, causing their blood to burst out as a flower would bloom in the springtime.

I drew my swords out, a wide smile tugging at my lips. "Today's your lucky day. We're about to have a lot of fun together."

Instead of continuing forward to the wall like Marco was, I stopped to satisfy my blood lust. I just couldn't contain my excitement as I leapt off and attached my anchor to the opposing wall, zipping towards the row of Titans. The first one reached out towards my line, getting its fingers chopped off by me in the process. I rounded it, going from the back and dicing a hole in its neck. The Titan behind it lunged at me with its mouth, missing me by several meters and stumbling over the body of the one before it.

"You're in for it now!" I sang, closing in and slicing a good chunk out. The hot blood splashed out from the gaping wound, splatting all over my uniform before evaporating into the atmosphere in puffs of steam. "How does that feel, huh? If only you had the brains to tell me how much it hurts."

The third and fourth Titan, who walked side-by-side, dragged their feet on the ground like zombies as they grinned down at me, baring their seemingly endless rows of rectangular teeth. They were so ugly, so repulsive, that I was compelled to torture them to the brink of whatever sanity they had. I was going to inflict upon them the most pain I could and carve up every inch of their body. I wanted it to rain Titan blood, so that I could bathe in the steaming hot drops until I was completely drenched in it. I wanted to dissect them, to tear out every nerve, every vein in their bodies to illicit as much torment as I possibly could.

"Come on, bring all of your fucking friends," I called, my hands dripping with the red, hot liquid. "Bring all of them over here so I can mince 'em all up..."

A new group had started to form, drawn in by all of the commotion. Out of nowhere, I heard a shriek ring out close by and saw that one of the Titans had picked up a grounded Edwin by his lines. I ran right through the legs of the Titans in front of me, narrowly escaping unscathed and dashed to his aid. I glided through the air, raising my swords as high as I could as I gained momentum, propelling myself in a spiraling motion down at the the beast.

"Go to hell!" I hollered as my swords came into contact with the flesh, cutting out the soft meat of its weak spot.

Edwin fell with a thud onto the ground, the Titan pitching forward down onto him. I thought quickly, shooting one of my anchors at the neck of the falling slab of meat and the other at the Titan next in line, pulling them in together. I killed the live one, the two collapsing in a single mound on the floor. Edwin managed to pick himself up and instead of helping me out, made a run for it and fled from the scene without so much as thanking me.

"Traitor, abandoning me like that," I growled in dissatisfaction and plugged in my blades, swapping them with new ones. I was surrounded from both sides, the two Titans from before right upon me.

I rolled, dodging their outstretched hands and found myself in the walking path of three others. I had somehow managed to completely trap myself, all because I had saved that good-for-nothing, who had to be over the wall by now. I was going to die, and die before I even joined the Survey Corps. I got onto my feet, running as fast as I could to get out of there. My swift feet were no match for the five Titans in the narrow street. I resorted to using my Maneuver Gear, a risky move knowing they could easily pinch the line between their fingers and have me in an instant.

I jumped up, aiming for the closest building and hoping that I could make a safe passage. The Titans, at least, were slow to react, so I managed to pass through without my line being grabbed.

"Ha," I laughed jovially, tossing my head back as the air rushed through my lungs. "That's gonna cost you your lives!"

I slashed down the three of them, leaving only two left. My blades had dulled and I only had a spare left for one hand, not two. Cursing aloud, I replaced one of them with a brand-new one and wiped the sweat from my brow. Somehow, I had beaten the odds and managed to survive being completely surrounded by 15-meter class Titans and lived to face off the last two. It was much too risky using a dull blade for the job, but there were no other options except to run, and I wasn't about to do that. If my parents were here and saw me scurrying away with my tail in between my legs, they would be disappointed in me for being a coward. I couldn't let them down by fleeing in the face of danger like everyone else did.

My strong sense of obligation pushed me forward to the battlefield and I bravely faced the horrid creatures with my swords at my sides. Sprinting dead ahead, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for attack. I hurled myself off the edge, my fingers pushing the triggers that would activate the shooting mechanisms. I would sway in a loop around the back to kill off one of them, then wind back around to finish the other one. It was a one-shot thing that I couldn't risk messing up. I had practiced it so religiously during my days as a trainee that I knew I couldn't get it wrong now.

Just when everything seemed to be going well, one of the mechanisms jammed and I found myself on the ride of my life.

* * *

(Author's Note: Hi! This is my first SNK fanfic and to tell you the truth, I have already written out the entire series. It's going to be seventeen chapters long, plus an epilogue. c: Please favorite and review! I love to get feedback, whether it be constructive criticism or other comments in general! Thank you~)


	4. Chapter 4

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Four: Red

(Warning: Strong language, violence.)

I began to spiral out of control, my side banging hard against the wall and the mere friction causing my skin to feel as if it were on fire. Grimacing in pain, I felt tears spring into my eyes as what felt like scorching flames tore across my skin, struggling to get back onto track. As soon as I had managed to push myself away from the wall, my body swung wildly at a narrow angle, making a sharp curve inward and dead straight on a death path towards the Titans. I tried to force my body to the right in order to dodge their grasp, but it was no use. The momentum, the air pressure, and my body weight teamed up against me, preventing me from nimble, loose movement. If I were to release my line, I would fall right down to my death on the cold, hard cement down below.

Either way, I was flying head-first into certain doom.

"Fuck it," I growled, then prepared my swords. "If I'm going out, mind as well go out with a bang."

_I never reached them._

Before I fell into the clutches of the Titans, I was swept away, a sweet, familiar scent instantly wrapping securely around me. My body became light as I was gently carried away from the imposing danger, tender and careful arms winding around my back. The soft flapping of clothing accompanied the sweet-tempered whistling of the wind by my ear. Somehow, I had closed my eyes along the way, so now, I slowly drew them open, gazing up at my savior through my long lashes.

I found my gaze coasting along a perfectly-sculpted jawline, tracing along the sharp, chiseled curvature of the mystery man's face until his features came into full view. My breath robbed from me, I found myself fixated on his celestial physiognomy, unable to look away. An inaudible sigh escaped his parted lips as he gracefully landed on the top of a nearby building, the breeze caressing his silken, dark hair as he brushed it out of his face.

This stranger was no stranger at all - it was Lance Corporal Levi himself, appearing out of nowhere and rescuing me from certain death.

"Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing?" he asked, his voice deep and sonorous, almost like soothing music to my ears.

"You're... _Levi_," was all I could sputter as I met his misty, dark eyes. He blinked stoically, the signature forest-green cloak of the Survey Corps billowing in the wind behind him.

"You sure got a lot of guts for someone who was trying to kill herself," he mumbled, slight amusement in his tone as he searched my face. Feeling uncomfortable, I turned from his roaming eyes, hoping the rosy hue tinting my cheeks was not noticeable. "What's your name?"

"Me?" I answered meekly.

"Who else would I be asking? Yes, I mean you," he retorted in annoyance.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm Lilianna, sir," I stammered, lacking the guts to meet his gaze.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you," he spoke. "Who taught you such bad manners?"

"My apologies, I didn't intend to come off as disrespectful," I said, my eyes lifting up to reunite with his. Electricity coursed throughout my body as we looked at one another, silently, until he opened his mouth to speak.

"You-"

"_Heichou!_"

A voice interrupted our brief conversation, a small team of other Survey Corps members joining us on the rooftop. I paid no real attention to their faces and lowered my eyes to the ground.

"You moved so quickly, I couldn't catch up..."

"Sir, please don't take off like that again."

"You scared us, leaving us so quickly like that."

Levi glanced in disinterest behind us, his underlings out of breath as they caught up to him. "Took you guys long enough."

"Huh? Heichou, who's the chick?" a sardonic, sleazy-looking male scrutinized me, the others immediately panning their focus from their superior over to me.

"A trainee whose ass needed some saving," he replied apathetically and set me down. "Let's go." At the unexpected loss of contact and my faltering state of heart, my hand caught onto his arm, causing him to turn fully around.

"Oh, um, thank you, sir," I stumbled upon my speech and ended up making a complete fool of myself in front of him. He merely nodded before moving on, disappearing from my range of sight within a manner of seconds.

I clutched at my heart, my insides stirring at the warmth still lingering on my body. That Lance Corporal Levi sure had a strange influence over me...

* * *

"Marco!" I shouted as I had scaled the wall. Covered in grime, sweat, and blood, I staggered over towards the freckled boy. He immediately rushed over, checking to see if I was alright.

"Lili, you okay?" he exclaimed, then saw how my left side was torn up and spotted with my blood. When my mechanism had jammed, only one of my lines managed to properly function and I had my entire left half of my body violently scraped against the side of a building, receiving nasty burns, cuts, and bruises in the process. I hadn't even noticed that I had been bleeding until he had pointed out, a bead of concern dripping down his forehead.

"Fine," I spoke, debating whether or not to speak about my encounter with Lance Corporal Levi. "But where's Edwin?"

"Edwin? We lost track of him, remember?"

I silently stared back out at the Titan-infested streets, my eyes wide in realization. Edwin should have reached the wall by now. After I had saved him, he ran off as fast as he could, so saying that he wasn't here meant that he...

My swords fell with a clang onto the ground as a yellow smoke gun shot up into the sky in the distance.

At least, the mission had been a success.

* * *

Two days following the reconquest of Trost, all officers were deployed for clean-up duties. The body count began to pile up, the streets polluted with the disfigured corpses of former peers. Fatigue, stress, and mortification plagued my system as I helped to collect mangled, dead bodies and load them onto a cart, silent as I worked alongside the others. The mask covering my face was hardly enough to hold back the reeking, gut-wrenching stench of death. At this point, however, after endless hours out in the bloody battlefield, the smell of the corpses was a normal thing and I soundlessly contributed as much as I could.

I had found Edwin's riddled body on the second day, half-devoured and completely missing his bottom half. His eyes were wide open, perpetually staring out in a fixed expression of fear and helplessness. I swallowed the lump in my throat, the vivid image of his petrified, mangled body burned permanently into my mind. I covered his eyes, lifting him and helping to get him on board.

A few days later, the bodies were burned in order to prevent an epidemic from breaking out. I stood solemnly by Jean, Connie, and Sasha as our friends and teammates were reduced to ashes in a great mountain of flames. Jean's eyes were heavy with pain as he collapsed onto his hands and knees, unable to cry any longer.

_But where was Marco?_

After that talk with him atop the wall the other day, I had ventured off in search of the others and left him standing by himself there. Ever since then, I hadn't seen him around, but I had just assumed it was because everyone was so busy recovering from the incident and toiling to clean up the city. I scanned the faces in the crowd, unable to pinpoint my freckle-faced, joyful-spirited friend. Had he not come out for the ceremony? _Or maybe, was he...?_

I shook my head, cursing myself for those sinful, tainted thoughts. It couldn't be - he had scaled the wall long ago and got to safety before I even did.

I looked down at Connie, who was tight-lipped, stone-faced, and quiet. "Hey, Connie, where is he?"

He stared expressionlessly up at me. "_Who_?"

"Marco. I haven't seen him the past few days. Where is he?" I asked, the silence seeming to thicken intensely with my innocent question. Jean's head slowly craned up towards me, his face, and that of everything else speaking silently for me the words they could not say.

"N-no, don't tell me that..."

A shaking hand was placed on my shoulder and Sasha flashed me a worn-out smile of assurance. Sliding onto my hands and knees beside Jean, unshed tears pricked at my eyes.

"No way... There's no way that's possible. He made it over the wall, I saw him! I was right by him...!" I uttered, shocked, confused, and my heart feeling as if it had been torn apart by the sudden, unexpected news. Connie knelt down next to me, patting my back as an empty form of consolation as he drew his arms around my quaking body. "Connie, you're kidding, right? Don't play stupid jokes like that, it isn't funny."

Vacant, vacuum-like eyes answered me as I openly showed my emotions for the first time. Burying my face in Connie's shoulder, Sasha's attempts to comfort me became muffled by the howling of the deep, red flames as they licked up to the sky, expelling smoke and the ashes of my beloved companion.

* * *

"Lilianna," Jean called, catching up to me. I turned towards him indifferently, as I always had been.

"What is it, Jean? I'm kind of busy," I replied, retaining my usually brisk pace. In reality, I only had routine chores to do and I had already done them two hours before. I was out for a walk on my own in the city, like I had the past several days. Time was moving painfully slowly and I was haunted by memories of the past, no matter how hard I tried to shut them out. The demons of anguish and guilt were plaguing me, mocking and taunting me day in and day out. I had been unable to sleep and the sleep deprivation had given rise to my irritability and unwillingness to converse with anyone else.

Titans, blood, shrill, helpless shrieks of pain and anguish, the smell of rotting flesh - it was all taking a stop to rest in my mind, haunting me all hours of the day. I could only handle it for so long and searched to purge my internal misery by confining myself into solitude. I had hardly sought out company of any kind, even from Connie, and no one had the nerve to disturb me in my state anyway. A dark storm cloud followed above me wherever I went, my pent-up anger seeping out in the darkness of my features. Even my hair seemed to look black, rather than the brilliant, red-brown hue it had once been.

"_I want to talk_."

The idiot was ignored, and I resumed with my walking. He eventually realized he was getting nowhere with his words and threw himself in my path. Glowering dangerously at him, I burned his very existence with the hatred in my eyes, refusing to allow him to stop me.

"Move it, Jean," I growled, in an almost animalistic manner.

"No. I'm not fucking moving, not until you talk to me," he snapped, holding his arms out to block me. I stepped to the left, and he to his right. I went to the right, and he to his left. The stubborn mule was adamant, sticking to his every word. I just wanted nothing more than to slap his stupid face off and move on with my life. I spun around, heading back in the direction I had originally come from.

"Hey, hey! _Stop_!"

"What? What the _fuck_ do you want, Jean Kirschtein? Can't you give me some peace of mind for once? Find someone else to bother, I'm not in the mood for your motherfucking sappy shit," I said calmly, albeit with venom dripping off the end of my tongue.

"Will you just listen to me for once?" he cried in exasperation. "Everyone's worried about you. You never bother to eat anymore, and you hardly even talk to any of us. We're your friends, y'know? Don't blow us off when we're concerned about you."

I snorted. "_Friends_? Connie and Marco are, yes. Well, Marco was, until he died and nobody bothered to tell me that 'til he was already just specks of ash!"

That seemed to strike a nerve in him and he grasped me by my shoulder roughly. "The fuck are you trying to say? You were in his team! Why didn't you protect him? How could you let him die?" he snarled. "You're so selfish, so full of yourself. Being his teammate means you watch his back and he does the same for you! Where were you when he died, huh, Lilianna? Trying to get into Connie's pants?"

"What the fuck did you just say?"

_Silence_.

"You're disgusting. Don't talk to me when you know nothing."

With that, I stormed off, my hair billowing in the wind, flapping like the cloak of that one whose name still lingered on my lips.

* * *

I turned seventeen the following night. I celebrated alone, seated upon the threshold of an edifice with nobody but myself as a companion. Holding my hands out under the moonlight, I captured the milky white light of the moon in the palm of my hands, the entirety of my hands consumed in palpable luminosity. The marks of the wings in my hands were gone, supplanted with the grace of the moonlight. Rejuvenated, I closed my eyes, inhaling fresh air into my lungs and releasing a much-needed heavy sigh.

"Mom, Dad, Aaron..." I whispered, gazing up at the sky, a vast, magnificent sea blooming with a multifarious congregation of twinkling spheres of fire. "Are you up there, looking down on me?"

Nothing answered my question.

A numbing wind blew past, chilling my parted lips, drying up the single tear that had rolled down my cheek. When I touched my fingers to my face, the wetness was nearly gone, but its remnants still there, serving to me as a reminder that I had cried for the first time in five years.

"The hell am I doing, crying?" I chuckled. "I'm Lilianna Kriger. I don't ever show any emotions. It's not me."

I wept on my own that night, comforted by the little warmth and protection my clothing provided for me.

* * *

"Soldiers! Line up and proceed to the front of the drill field!" an officer barked, snapping me out of my daze. I picked myself up from where I sat and trudged in the direction we were pointed to. It was time for the second step of my goal, to enlist into the Survey Corps. Nobody dared approach me as I dragged myself towards the field, resolve shrouding my physiognomy. Taking prideful strides over towards my destiny, I held my chin up proudly.

"Soldiers, welcome to the introductory ceremony. I'm Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps."

Standing up on the stage was the man I had desired to see for so long - the tall, well-built Erwin Smith, leader of the Recon Corps and with the fate of humanity in his hands, was finally present right before me, in the flesh. The man who I had gotten a mere glimpse of before, was fully there, eyes fixed straight down at the crowd of soldiers. His thick brows narrowed, his lips secured in a tight line, and experience shining in his features. He looked nothing less than what I had expected him to look like - a great leader, who had the respect of everyone under his wing.

"At last..." I murmured to myself, somewhat of a smile poking at my lips. "Erwin Smith, nice seeing you again after so long."

"The Survey Corps has an important objective behind its activities, entrusted to us by the king. My purpose of this speech to all of you on this day where you are to choose which division you will be joining is nothing more than to invite you to join. However, because of the attack the other day, you all have been given an idea of what the Survey Corps' mission may be like," he spoke, commanding full attention with his loud, certain voice.

"Despite the fact that you are all still trainees, you have already suffered victims in your ranks, and that in itself is unprecedented. Also, you have already experienced the dread and horror Titans instigate in humans, as well as the limit of your own power," he continued. I thought back to my squad members, who had been beyond the point of terror and sanity when facing off those demons. Jessie, Lyle, Edwin, Marco - all of them had been victims of the brutality of the Titans.

I did not bother to listen to anything else he said after that. The only thing I could think about was avenging the deaths of my family and my friends. That, along with another goal, kept me religiously devoted to my cause. I remained standing there as dozens of people walked away, unwilling to take the risks, to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of mankind. Rooted to the spot, I held my chin up high, saluting the Commander and pledging myself once more to give my life up to save humanity.

To my utter disbelief, there were several members in my class had stood by as well, everyone but Annie, who wanted to join the Military Police. Jean, who had always boasted about becoming an officer and living a comfortable life within Wall Sina, was there, too. Connie, who was shuddering like a leaf, Sasha, with eyes full of tears and teeth chattering, Bertholdt and Reiner, who nervously saluted Erwin, Ymir, as uninterested as ever, Krista, tears streaming down her terrified face, and Mikasa and Armin, Eren's loyal companions - they were all there, along with a few others. It never crossed my mind that any of them would join the Scouting Legion, especially Connie and Jean, who wanted nothing more than to join the Military Police.

What brought about the change of heart? Had seeing the horror of the Titans with their own eyes awakened that raw desire to exterminate them from this earth? Did they now share that same fiery passion for revenge on those monsters that claimed so many innocent lives? No matter what their motives were for changing their minds, even I had to recognize their bravery.

"Will you be willing to die if you're told to?" Erwin asked, scanning the faces of those who remained. His eyes met mine, and for an instant, lingered before panning back dead ahead.

"We do not want to die, sir!"

"I see," he mused. "You all look determined. I welcome all of you to the Scouting Legion! I salute your bravery! Dedicate your lives to the cause! The 104th Scouting Legion salutes all twenty-one of you. You endured all of the fear well. You're all brave soldiers and I respect you for that from the bottom of my heart."

"You won't be disappointed, sir," I assured, a smile dancing on my lips. Everyone stared at me in surprise as Erwin himself directed his attention at me, nodding his head. "Count on us."

* * *

"Connie," I called as soon as we had all moved out from the field. He turned, eyes wide as I had not spoken to him nor anyone else in days. "What made you join the Survey Corps?"

"Huh? I-I don't know," he muttered nervously. "I guess I've been thinking a lot about what you and Eren said, about not throwing away everything I've done, and everything everyone died for. Marco - everyone else, they all died because of those damned Titans. It's really not fair..."

"Yeah," I mumbled, picturing the dead, mangled corpses of my teammates. "I plan to avenge everyone's deaths. Those bastards are going to get what's coming to them."

"Y-yeah... You don't seem scared, Lilianna. The rest of us are nearly pissing our pants and you're so calm about it," he pointed out. "How the hell do you do that?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe I am scared. Who knows?"

Amazed, he was silent for a moment before asking, "What happened with you and Jean?"

I stopped walking then. "What do you mean?"

"It's just..." he scratched his head, glancing up ahead at the said male, who was all by himself. "He's been acting weird lately."

"Well, Marco died, it's only normal he'd have a hard time taking it," I carelessly remarked.

"You had a hard time with it, too," he said.

I stared at him before hurriedly changed the subject. "Anyway, nothing happened between us that isn't the usual. That dumbass always knows how to piss me off," I retorted. "Thank goodness you aren't like him."

"Y-yeah, I guess..."

* * *

A week later, the 104th Training Squad was sent out to meet up with those from the Survey Corps. Having dinner together in one large hall, graduates were sent out one-by-one to meet the higher-ups, including Erwin Smith, Lance Corporal Levi, the strongest soldier, and several other high-ranking officers. They wanted to 'get to know you', but I knew it meant it was some kind of evaluation. I was calm and indifferent about it, while others were either nervous wrecks, or excited to 'make friends with the senpais'.

I laughed.

"Are you scared?" Sasha asked, her mouth full of bits and chunks of the potato she had just chomped into.

"No."

"Lilianna, you're never scared, are you?" Reiner joked. "No guy is going to want to protect you if you're like that."

"_So_? I don't need any protecting," I dismissed sharply. Reiner was a dumb idiot, just like Jean was.

"No guy is going to like you if you're stronger than he is," he resumed. "Aren't I right, Bertholdt?"

Bertholdt nervously scratched his head. "Don't include me in this, Reiner."

"Fine. Connie, Jean, don't you think the same as me? Lilianna can scare any guy away. You're pretty and all, but guys like cute girls, like Krista over there," Reiner mused.

"Hey, don't pick on her!" Sasha wailed, clutching me tightly and spitting potato all over me. I grimaced and glared at him.

"I don't give a fuck. Go ahead and like Krista, like I give a shit," I smiled, drinking my cup of tea in a single gulp.

A symphony of amused 'ooh's broke out as Reiner recovered from my sharp comeback. Crossing his arms over his chest, he muttered something aloud, Bertholdt trying to stop him before I could get angry.

"With that mouth of yours, even I wouldn't wanna date you-"

"You talking to me?" I grinned, standing up while Sasha and Connie tried desperately to pull me down. "Bring it on, I'll kick your ass so bad you won't be able to walk for a month."

"Reiner, look at what you did," Bertholdt cried. "Lilianna, ignore him. He's just teasing you."

"Sounds like he's telling the truth, in my opinion," Jean commented, causing everyone's heads to whip in his direction in shock.

"..._What_?"

"Jean, you idiot!" Connie exclaimed as I moved my glower from Reiner to him.

"Say that again, Kirschtein, I dare you," I challenged. "Say it, you hardass."

Eren, Mikasa, and Armin observed silently as Jean and I glared each other down before Armin tried to stop Jean from going any further. "Jean, quit it..."

"No guy is ever going to like you, and if he does, he's in for fucking hell," Jean smirked. "Why? Because you're a selfish bitch."

"Jean! Stop!" Reiner interjected. "I was just kidding with her. Don't pick a fight here, take your lover's spat elsewhere."

"Hmph, go ahead and say what you want, Kirschtein. In the end, I don't really care what you have to say, do I?" I smiled, then sat back down. It was tense as the room tried to piece back together the light-hearted nature of the atmosphere just minuted before, gradually recovering so that it was once again lively and casual.

"So are you going to tell me what's up with the two of you yet?" Connie asked. "You can't lie your way out of it this time."

I really did not want to talk about Jean, especially since Connie had no idea what he said to me a few days prior.

'_Where were you when he died, Lilianna?! Trying to get into Connie's pants_?'

My mind played back his very words, fueling the rage welling up within me. The nerve he had to accuse me of such horrid things made my blood boil to the point where it was clear on my face how angry I actually was. To call me selfish was one thing, but to accuse me of trying to flirt with Connie and letting Marco die was a whole other story.

Before Connie could squeeze the truth out of me, I was saved when the door opened, an officer holding a clipboard and announcing the first one up. "Kriger, outside!"

"Well, well, well, first one up," Jean commented. "Don't try too hard to seduce the Commander and the Lance Corporal."

"_What was that_?" I snarled, my hands balling up into tight fists.

"Jean!" Eren interrupted strictly, preventing him from saying anymore foolish things. Krista tried to patch up the tension by wishing me a good luck, along with Connie and Sasha. I straightened myself up before exiting the room, going out to meet the superiors.

Surprisingly enough, it was only Commander Erwin, the Lance Corporal, and another man, who stood by his side. My eyes briefly met the Lance Corporal's and his eyes narrowed slightly in recognition. I calmly cleared my throat as the officer who called me out closed the door behind me. Bowing my head as a sign of respect, as I was taught as a child, I introduced myself proudly.

"My name is Lauren Kriger, it's an honor to meet you all. It has been a long dream of mine to join the Survey Legion and work under you," I confessed, keeping my head down until I felt someone's hand touch my shoulder. I was met with the serious, blue eyes of the Commander, those blue eyes that carried more mystery and secrets than that of the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean. He seemed to be staring right into my soul, prying at me with his undaunted orbs. I set up a mental blockade against his unwelcome advances and smiled kindly at him.

"Lilianna, huh? Nice to meet you. You may already know this, but I'm the Commander, Erwin Smith. This is Levi, and this is Mike Zacharius," Erwin stated. Levi didn't so much as look in my direction, while the other man, a tall one with center-parted, sandy brown hair, a mustache, and a bit of beard started to approach me. I didn't think much of it, and turned to further address the Commander, until I felt someone's presence behind me. Someone's body heat was pressing against my back, serving as a stand-in heater in the cold. Then, what sounded like… a _sniff_, right next to my left ear.

"The fu—Sir, what are you doing?" I demanded in mortification. Mike's nose was jutting into my long, dark locks of hair, violating my personal space with his unsightly behavior. I recoiled in restrained disgust, moving away from him as pulled away, a small smile spreading across his face as he returned to his spot beside the Corporal. A lecherous smirk played the keys of his lips as he mumbled lightly to himself, something along the lines of, "smells like apples…".

The usually stoic, apathetic eyes of the Corporal rounded in slight surprise as he looked up at Mike, while the Commander covered his face with his hand in embarrassment. "Please don't mind him, that's just Mike's way of getting to know you. I apologize," Erwin said, then forced a smile. "So, where are you from, Lilianna?"

"Where am I from?"

I paused, permitting my mind to wander for a while before I answered.

"I'm from Trost, sir," I reported.

"Trost, huh? So what made you want to become a Scout so badly?" Levi interrogated, almost as if he were testing me. I smoothly replied, saying that I 'wanted to serve humanity in the best way I could' and that I 'wanted to make a difference in the world by doing my best to fight the Titans and ensure the survival of mankind'. Half of it was true. What my main goal was for joining the Recon Corps was far beyond what anyone could even dream of. I kept these thoughts to myself as Levi nodded thoughtfully, then glanced at Erwin, who appeared as if he wanted to say something.

"Did you place among the ranks of your class?" Erwin questioned.

I shook my head. "No, sir."

"Really? I've heard from others that you possess remarkable skill. It's surprising that you didn't rank in the top ten of your class," he related, almost as if he were… suspicious. I maneuvered my way through his uncertainty with a lie disguised by a truth.

"That's because there's a lot of skillful members in my class. Mikasa Ackerman, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar – they're all talented soldiers. It's only natural they'd make it into the ranks, though I'd say the competition was quite intense," I spoke.

"Even if you didn't rank, I'm sure that what I've heard from your peers holds water," Erwin said, smiling. "I'd love to see your skills for myself in battle. In a month, we'll be heading out on our 57th expedition outside the walls. At that time, I'd like to see what kind of soldier you are."

"Yes, sir."

"Levi, Mike, any further questions you want to ask Miss Lilianna?"

Mike raised a hand. "What kind of shampoo do you use?"

* * *

Dish duties were given to Reiner, Armin, and I, so the three of us piled into the kitchen to tackle the heaps of dirty plates and bowls waiting for us. I nonchalantly slipped on the gaudy, yellow rubber gloves, tied my hair back, and set off to work. I picked up the first plate, moving towards the sink to start the job. I wanted to get all of this done as quickly as I possibly could, so I could go out for a walk in town. It was relaxing, at the very least, to take a casual stroll through the streets of town, taking in the sights and giving myself time to clear my mind of lingering thoughts and fill it with fresh, new ones. Every night, I progressed a little more in my plotting, and slowly, the beginnings of my plan were falling into place. What I couldn't figure out quite yet, since it was much too early, was how to execute what I sought out to do when timing was an issue.

I quietly rinsed off dish after dish, my hands moving in an almost machine-like motion, picking up a dish, rinsing off the food, sponging it, rinsing the bubbles off, and putting it in the dish rack. This pattern kept up for another few minutes in silence before Reiner broke the still air, resuming his irritating pestering from earlier on at the dinner table. Armin stood by without uttering a word as Reiner tried to annoy me by picking up from where he had left off before.

"You seem so tough, but you're actually like a housewife, aren't you?" he teased. "Too bad you're so rough around the edges, no guy would ever want a woman like that."

"You wanna die, Reiner Braun?" I grinned, a vein popping in my head. "Stop it with your petulance, it isn't getting you anywhere."

"I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings?"

"No, but you know who's going to be hurting if you don't stop? I'm not saying any names, but I'm pretty sure you catch my drift," I retorted, beginning a new stack of dishes. I was moving the fastest, Armin close in second as Reiner lagged behind. He was too preoccupied with trying to get on my nerves than what he was supposed to be worrying about, and that was dish duty. If any of the squad leaders were to walk in and see him slacking off like he was, he would be in for a harsh berating.

"Stop fighting, you guys," Armin interrupted.

"We're not fighting," we chorused in unison. I glared at Reiner before smiling somewhat at Armin.

"Like I said, we aren't fighting. Don't worry about it, Armin," I clarified, then resumed my task at hand.

I could have sworn that I saw what looked like wariness in Armin's eyes before he laughed it off. The three of us finished cleaning the dishes, then banded out and headed back towards the rooms. Halfway there, I changed courses, checking to see that nobody was outside before I slipped out of the exit and out onto the street. I let out a much-needed sigh, filling my lungs in with fresh air as I shoved my hands into my pockets. I was still in uniform, but it didn't really matter to me whether or not I was dressed comfortably or not. Just walking around was my way to relieve the tensions of the day, and allow all of my stress to blow away in the breezes that tickled my skin.

After fifteen minutes of wandering about, I felt the sensation that I was being followed. I whipped around several times as I made my way back to the rooms, but I saw nobody. Still, I couldn't help but be paranoid, glancing to and fro multiple times before ultimately stealing back to my room.


	5. Chapter 5

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Five: Flags

(Warnings; Strong language, violence.)

One morning as I ate breakfast in the mess hall with the others, I heard a symphony of giddy giggles break out amongst the lot of girls around me and I instantly knew something was up. Lifting my fork impassively, I had no interest in what handsome soldier walked in this time and kept my eyes focused elsewhere. Connie and Sasha were playing with their food beside me, shoving food into each other's mouths and making strange faces and gestures while they were at it. Bertholdt and Reiner sat across from me boredly while everyone else was scattered about the room.

Eren, who sat at the table behind me, poked me in the shoulder. "Lilianna."

"What is it, Eren?" I asked. It was Eren, not someone else, so there was no need to be irritated at him. I even gave him a sweet, amiable smile, much to Mikasa's annoyance. I just couldn't help it - with those big, round, sky-blue eyes and that cute face, it was impossible not to smile at him. Besides, I held a kind of respect for Eren which I hardly held for anybody else; he was like me, in more ways than none. Our similarities made it easier to connect with him, although I held some resentment for his being some kind of weird Titan-shifter.

Ever since that big incident at Trost and the court ruling to keep him in possession of the Survey Corps, it became less and less frequent that we had opportunity to speak, and we hardly even did in the first place. Mikasa, Eren's loyal companion, did not dislike me, per se, but she always glared at me whenever I would talk to Eren, even if it was about something trivial. Armin was always giving me those wary looks, as if he could read my mind, so it made me want to hang around Eren less, anyway. Those two made it hard, to say the very least, to hold a decent conversation with the boy, even though I wanted to establish friendlier relations with him.

"A couple days ago, at dinner... What happened with you and Jean? I thought you two were-"

"_No_. We never were," I answered. "I would never date someone like him, who acts like he's still in his diapers and goes around accusing people of being murderers. _Hell no_."

"He did that?" Eren demanded angrily. "Why would he?"

"He accused me of abandoning Marco and allowing him to die," I informed. "He asked me if I was 'trying to get into Connie's pants' while Marco was out there getting killed. You think I'd do that? Leave one of my only friends out there to those motherfucking Titans? I would never do that, no matter how selfish, how much of a bitch I am."

Eren, furious by what I had told him, glared at Jean who was sitting not too far from our tables. "He said something like that?"

"I didn't believe it at first, either, but he did. So that's why I hate his guts. He calls me a murderer, then tries to snap at me whatever chance he gets, all because he's bitter I didn't want to marry his sorry ass. He needs to grow the fuck up and be the man he always claims he is. He's just a brat who needs a beating from his mom," I related, then munched on my beef and carrots. Mikasa and Armin had listened in the whole time and joined in on Eren and I's conversation, Mikasa still showing me some hostility for being so close to her precious Eren.

"If I heard correctly, you said 'marry'?" Armin piped up.

I huffed. "That fool told me he'd marry me when he turned eighteen, after this was all over. He asked me if I'd leave the Recon Corps afterwards. I turned him down. No way was I getting married when I was only going to be twenty, especially to a kid like him."

"It seems unlikely Jean would even do something like propose," Mikasa mused, staring at me with her steely, gray eyes.

"Why would I make this up?" I pointed out. "It's embarrassing."

"She's got a point. After all, how old are you again?" Eren defended me, angering Mikasa.

"I just turned seventeen. I'm older than you guys are, including Jean," I told them.

Connie suddenly stuck his nose in, hearing the name 'Jean' pass my lips. I still hadn't told him what had happened, and had no energy nor desire to repeat myself all over again. I changed the subject and Connie excitedly told us of his encounter with the Commander and the Lance Corporal from dinner the other night. I zoned out halfway through his enthusiastic recollection and found myself thinking of the man who had saved my life from the clutches of the Titans a few weeks back.

That man, with his ridiculously celestial features, undaunted aura of refinement, and unrivaled, fluid combat skills, had came in the nick of time, getting me out of harm's way just when I'd accepted that my death was inevitable. That very man I had finally met face-to-face the other night, under the warm glow of the lamp on the threshold of the mess hall everyone congregated in every night. That languid, calm mist in his eyes compelled me like none other. He had recognized me from that time during Trost, but instead of seeing me weak, and vulnerable as he first had, he saw me at my best - my fearless, proud self, doubtless of my own abilities and aspirations.

The Lance Corporal I had not seen since then, but I had a strange feeling that I would see him again soon. And that strange feeling was confirmed the moment there was an eruption of girly squeals and dreamy sighs next to me as the aforementioned male entered my line of sight.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Connie gaped in amazement. "And just when I was talking about him!"

"I don't know, looks like he's searching for someone," Eren whispered. "Huh? He's looking this way..."

The girls around me lowered their faces, their tittering coming to a halt as he strode over towards us. Connie flipped out, nearly dropping his spoon as he hurriedly distracted himself by stuffing his face full of food. I, however, was unfazed by the sudden arrival, confident that he was going to pull Eren out of the room and be on his merry way.

"_You_," he called. "Come with me."

"Yes, sir," Eren stood up, before Levi shook his head.

"Not _you_, Eren. _You_."

For an instant, I could have sworn he was looking at me, but there was no reason I would be called out specifically by the Corporal himself, so I glanced around in uncertainty. Nobody else was looking up. Could he mean that he was telling _me_ to come with him?

"_Me_?" I asked dubiously.

He rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yes, you. Hurry up. We don't have all day for you to figure out I was talking to you."

"But, why?" was what I asked, before everyone around me hushed over and stared ay me with owl eyes. The Lance Corporal spun around, shooting me an annoyed glare.

"No questions. Get up and follow me," he ordered. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes." I rose from my seat and started off after his rapidly-walking figure. "It would've helped if you called me by my name..."

I followed him outside, where he led me down to a secluded area away from the mess hall. Sitting down on a stone ledge, he crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes boring into my own. I had no clue what he could have possibly called me out for but being alone with him was enough to set me off balance, something I didn't particularly feel comfortable with. I protectively imitated his actions and decided to ask him what he wanted.

"What did you call me out here for?"

"Someone's filed a complaint against you," he retorted, staring me down from where he was seated. "Wanna guess why?"

A _complaint_? Why in the world would there be a complaint filed against me?

"Why, sir? I don't see why I'd get a complaint. Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"You tell me. One of your peers submitted it early this morning, said you've been causing disturbances with your rude behavior," he explained. He withdrew two folded sheets from the inside of his jacket and handed it to me, his sweet scent wafting up from the papers as I took them in my hands. "Seems like they had a lot to say about you, Kriger. Mind explaining yourself?"

My eyes scanned the two sheets, reading every single line the person had wrote. In the complaint, the anonymous person had claimed preposterous things, saying I would always 'pick fights with others while they practiced or ate', displayed 'unruly conduct unfit for a soldier', 'caused disturbances in the peace', 'throwing food at people', etc. The list went on and on, shedding a horrible light on me and going into the details, as if I was some immature prick who loved provoking everyone, was a slob, and broke all of the rules as she pleased. It was absolutely absurd what kind of things this person accused me of, and my appalled expression was enough to show Levi what I thought of the report.

"This is bullshit," I spoke, handing it back. "I'd never do any of these things."

"Then why would someone waste their time writing a two full pages if it weren't true?" he challenged. "You aren't so great that you'd have anyone who'd go these lengths to frame you, are you? I doubt it."

"Someone is obviously making it up. Why would I, who have always dreamed of becoming a Scout, throw everything away like that? There's no way I'd do any of these things, " I argued.

To my horror, he seemed unconvinced, refusing to vacillate from his original argument. Waving the papers at me, he crossed one of his legs over the other. I couldn't believe someone would actually go this far as to submit a complaint directly to the higher ups, and not only that, fill it with fake accounts of me causing trouble when the superiors weren't around. The nerve to do so was astonishing, and at the least, infuriated me.

"So you're telling me, someone hates you so bad that they want to frame you? I could have you kicked out for this, you know?" Levi interrogated. "Why should I believe someone like you, who didn't even tell the truth when asked where she came from?"

My blood ran cold, but I tried to comport myself with as still and undaunted a composure as I possibly could. "Sir, what do you mean?"

My heart began to beat wildly in my chest as he withdrew another article from his jacket, that of a photograph of my parents, my little brother Aaron, and I, all standing by the bridge together. I snatched it in my hands, tears in my eyes at the sight of something so precious to me. I forgot about how angry I was and clutched the picture to my bosom, a nostalgic joy piercing my chest. In the photograph, I was around eleven or twelve years old, a few months before the Colossal Titan came in and ruined my life and that of thousands of others. I had my arms wrapped around my nine-year-old brother, who proudly held up a watermelon he had completely eaten from the inside out, that silly, boyish grin of his plastered on his face. Mom and Dad stood behind us, hands linked together and their other hand resting on the shoulder of my brother and I.

"Your mom is a Chinese, one of the few remaining," Levi spoke, his tone lacking the ruthless bite from before. "Your father is Danish, coming from a long ancestry of scholars and doctors. Your brother was sick with an incurable disease that made it impossible for him to live past fifteen years old. And this... is you."

I permitted a tear to escape my eye, my knuckles going white from holding onto the picture so tightly. "Levi, where did you get this from? H-how?"

"The details don't matter," he responded coolly, tucking the complaint letter into his jacket. "Keep it. I'm sure you were going to beg me for it, anyway."

Joy swelled up in my heart, and I nodded. "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me? I just pointed you out for being a liar," he remarked. "You're strange."

I disregarded his last remark and glanced back down at the photo in my possession. Mom, Dad, Aaron - how long had it been since That Day? I hugged the only remaining thing I had from my life before to my chest, unadultered happiness spilling from my eyes. The rage from receiving a complaint completely vanished and all I could do was shamelessly pour my tears out in front of a man I hardly even knew, let alone, wanted to see me cry. The seemingly callous man shoved a handkerchief at me, giving me a dirty look.

"Stop crying all over the place, it's gross," he scolded in distaste. "Clean yourself up, Kriger. Aren't you the one who almost cursed at Mike? The one who claimed that 'competition was intense', so you didn't rank? It seems like you're just another one of those crybabies."

I was too happy to be upset with his vituperative insults and smiled at him as I accepted the handkerchief. I dabbed at my eyes and saluted the Lance Corporal respectfully. "Levi, thank you."

"Don't thank me, it's gross," he mumbled. "And quit calling me by my first name, you disrespectful brat."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

He sighed in exasperation and sent me away in pure annoyance. As I was walking away, I thought back about the complaint, and turned back around. He was still standing there, reviewing the two papers that had gotten me called out in the first place and had blessed me by giving me the best present possible - an untarnished memoir of my loving family, who had been taken away from me years ago.

"What about the complaint, sir?" I called.

"What complaint?"

He tucked the papers into his jacket, and began to walk off in the opposite direction. A tiny smile drew across my lips as I watched his form retreat in the distance. Perhaps, the man had a heart after all, locked deep inside of that unbreached cage in his chest. _Maybe_, just maybe.

I returned to breakfast.

* * *

"So, what happened?" Sasha sang at combat practice. "You left so suddenly with the Lance Corporal and didn't come back for a long while."

"Yeah," Connie agreed, chuckling. "I almost thought he'd killed you or something."

"Well, you going to spill the beans or what, Lilianna?" Reiner questioned.

A group of soldiers from back at training camp surrounded me, asking me tons and tons of questions, trying to squeeze out of me what happened when my breakfast was rudely interrupted by the Lance Corporal himself. I refused to tell anything to them and merely stated, several times now, that he had called me out to scold me, then sent me back after he had yelled at me enough. They weren't convinced, knowing there had to be more to it. I stubbornly refused to answer as I pulled on my boots and stretched out my arms, the crowd taking a step back as I warmed my muscles up.

"Anyone who asks again will get their ass kicked. Who's up first?" I threatened calmly, a slight smile on my face as I cracked my neck. "Any takers? Going once, going twice."

"You're really not going to tell us anything, are you?" Ymir stated more than asked. I nodded my head. "What a bitch!"

"What? Wanna be the first one to get to fight me?" I asked, grinning. "I'll take you on right here, Ymir."

"No, no! She was kidding," Krista exclaimed, holding the tanned, freckled girl back before she could accept my battle invitation. I laughed then turned to everyone who was still loitering about.

"I guess you all want to practice with me?"

"_No_!"

"No thanks."

"I'm good. Hey, Karl, practice with me!"

Everyone but a selected few scattered - Connie, Sasha, Reiner, and Bertholdt remained, albeit the tall, ever nervous Bertholdt stayed reluctantly. I clapped my hands together.

"You're brave," I offered up laudatory remarks as I grabbed Connie by the shoulder. "Connie, how about you first?"

"H-h-huh?! No way!" he stammered, freeing himself from my grasp. "Sasha, let's get outta here."

"B-but-"

She was dragged away by a fearful Connie, leaving Reiner and Bertholdt as the only ones left. Bertholdt sweat nervously, trying to convince Reiner to leave, but his friend stubbornly refused and faced me off.

"There's more to what you're saying, isn't there, Lilianna? I can tell," he said. "I've known you more than two years."

"I don't think you know me at all."

"Maybe I don't, but one thing I do know is that you're never getting a guy with that boyish attitude."

He threw the first punch, one of which I dodged, grabbing his fist and retaliating with a knee to the stomach. He recoiled, grabbing his stomach and laughing as a bead of sweat rolled down his brow.

"You're fast, but that isn't going to win you a fight."

He charged at me, swinging an arm overhead. I averted the incoming fist and was surprised to see he had an ulterior motive with distracting me with the first throw. His right foot slipped under my feet, throwing me off my balance. A cocky grin played his lips as he knocked me off my balance, my body airborne as I suddenly grabbed onto his shoulder, using my momentum to propel myself up into a flip. I swept my feet along the dirt as I landed. assuming a kung fu position I had memorized long ago. I pressed a tightened hand into Reiner's back, shoving him forward, then kicked him in the side, completely knocking him over. He caught himself before he hit the ground, turning to me with a smile.

"Where'd you learn that?"

"I thought you said you knew me, Reiner," I smirked, dusting my hands off. "Wanna see more or are you done trying to stick your nose into my business?"

"He's done!" Bertholdt cried out, and dragged Reiner away before he could pick another fight. "Sorry for bothering you, Lilianna!"

I let out a breath and ran my hand through my hair. Reiner was a good fighter. He had caught me off-guard with that trick of his back there, but I had managed to recover before I could get myself defeated by him. I chugged down some water, and as I was doing so, someone approached me from the side.

"I'll fight you next."

It was that guy back from camp, Matt Mackerie, or something like that. He had blond hair which was always pushed back, piercing blue eyes, which looked down on everyone, and a tall figure, much like Reiner. He crossed his arms over his chest, unafraid by what he had just witnessed between Reiner and I. I capped my jug of water and tossed it on the ground, smirking in amusement.

This nobody, challenging me like this in front of everyone, with such a confident look on his face. I wanted nothing more than to punch it straight off his face.

"What was your name again? I could have sworn that I've seen you before," I mocked, earning from him a hateful glare.

"Matthew Mackerie," he said as he rolled up his sleeves.

"You sure you want to fight me, after I outdid the second-highest ranked in our year?" I inquired. "So be it."

I knocked him off his feet in the first three seconds, leaving him on the dusty ground with a bruised shoulder and a twisted ankle. There was muffled laughter as the overconfident nobody struggled to pick himself up as I drained what was left of my water. Jean stepped in to get him back on his feet and took him away from the scene of humiliation, glaring at me. I calmly left the scene to head to the showers and washed off the sweat and dirt from combat practice.

Connie joined me in the supplies room as I geared up for the next thing scheduled, which was maneuver gear practice in the forest close by. "That Matthew guy got beat up pretty bad, didn't he? And he didn't even get to lay a single hand on you!"

I shrugged. "Yeah."

"He sure looked pissed, though," Connie mumbled. I shrugged again. "Everyone was laughing at him."

"Were you?"

"Maybe just a little."

We gathered our things and suited ourselves for practice. I stood by quietly as Connie and Sasha joked around together like the bunch of idiots they were, and awaited instructions. That Mackerie specimen didn't show up, probably having hurt his ankle while trying in vain to overpower me. Jean stood next to me with Bertholdt and Reiner, eyes staring in my direction. I turned away.

"Okay, rookies, this practice is going to be a little harder than usual. Remember to keep your senses alert, your superiors will be watching you to see if you've been paying attention to the new formations we've taught to you." An officer rounded us all up and split us into groups of four. I ended up with Jean, Armin, and Krista, much to my dismay.

"Okay, guys, don't forget what they taught us about formations," Jean announced. "I have a feeling this is some kind of test."

"Same here," Armin spoke. "Lilianna, you and Jean can take the back. Krista and I will be the front and center."

"What?" Jean cried, before I held a hand up to silence him.

"No problem, Armin," I consented with his assignment of roles, trusting his judgment. Our group was the second to go in, right after Ymir's. I planned to confront Jean about the complaint letter, since I knew it had to be him that sent it to the superiors. I jumped up, shooting through the trees smoothly, Jean only yards away. Once I could see nothing but trees behind me, I decided to bring it up, well-aware he was going to deny any involvement in it.

"Jean, were you the one that sent that complaint about me to the higher-ups?" I asked. "I know you hate me, but that's really taking it too far. You didn't have to make up all of that crap just you get me into trouble. I could have been kicked out."

"Huh?!" he demanded. "I didn't send anything in."

My line hooked onto a tree, sending me forward. "Don't deny it, I know it was you," I replied. "Who else would it be?"

"Look, I didn't send any complaint in," he defended himself. "I don't know who did, but I didn't, okay?"

"If it wasn't you, then who was it? Nobody else hates me enough like you do to want to sabotage me like that," I said, seeing that Krista and Armin were getting farther away. I sped up, Jean following suit, until we were in the right formation.

"It wasn't me, okay?" he grumbled. "Don't accuse me of that."

"Then-"

"Titan spotted, up ahead, seventeen meter class!" Armin shouted from the front. We expanded our formation into what we were taught, smoothly going in for the kill. Jean sliced a chunk out of the cardboard of the neck and we moved on.

I resumed our conversation from earlier. "Then if it wasn't you, I don't know who else it could be," I called. "If you did it, just say you did. I got let off the hook already, so nice try to whoever sent that shit in."

"Like I said, it wasn't me," Jean sighed. "Look, I'm not that bad as to try to get you kicked out. What happened between us has nothing to do with anything else. I wouldn't try and sabotage you."

"Yeah, you wouldn't, but you'd accuse me of being the reason Marco died," I shot back, pained. "How could you?" He was surprised I'd brought it up again, then averted his gaze, refusing to answer. I wasn't finished just yet. As I killed the second 'Titan', I picked up from where I had left off, keen on making him own up to the things he had said.

"You're right. I'm selfish. Don't you think I know that already? I'm so selfish that I refuse to get close to anyone, because I don't want them to know anything about me. So I push everyone away," I snapped. "But don't you go and call me a murderer. I'd never let something like that happen to Marco. That day, he'd gone over the wall. He got there before me. We even talked for a bit, before I went off to check on Connie. That was the last I saw of him. You're worse than I am if you think I'd just let him get killed like that."

Armin and Krista glanced back at us, hearing my words and sadly recalling the innocent, freckle-faced boy that we once knew. Marco Bodt, a true friend with a strong sense of obligation and a heart as big as it could get. He only loved, having no room to hate. He was what you could truly call a pure soul, dedicating everything he had to what he did. I missed him. I truly did. It was painful to wake up everyday, and take part in the world knowing he wasn't going to be there to smile at you or encourage you.

Jean had gone silent, but I knew he was listening to everything I had to say.

"Hate me if you fucking want, I don't care. But I never want to hear you say that again because Marco knows it wasn't me that killed him," I spoke. "Krista, let's trade spots. I'll take center."

"Okay."

The meek, blonde-haired girl immediately obliged, switching places with me willingly and giving me the center of the formation. It felt good to finally thrust everything into Jean's face like that. Now, he could think over what he said to me. I didn't want an apology, I just wanted that idiot to realize that his accusations held no water, that he was falsely accusing me of something I could never do - murder my own friend.

Our practice ended successfully, and Commander Erwin applauded everyone's efforts. As I was unloading my equipment, Levi approached me, a bespectacled, eccentric woman with dark red hair at his side. I nodded my head at them, straightening up so that I could properly address them.

The lady was introduced as Squad Leader Hanji Zoe, who had an obsession with experimenting on Titans. She was nice enough, but she was way too occupied with touching me and my hair and making weird comments while she was at it. Lance Corporal Levi stood by disinterestedly, hardly batting an eye as Hanji played around with my hair.

"So you're the girl who's so popular, huh?" Hanji grinned. "I've heard lots about you!"

"Oh. You have?"

"Mhm. Your hair is pretty, I'm jealous!" she cried. "And it smells good, kind of like apples or something..."

"That's what Mike said," Levi huffed. "Anyway, Lilianna, I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

"You know what."

No, I really didn't. But I kept it to myself and acted as if I knew what he meant by that. Hanji peered into my stoic face, then into Levi's equally apathetic face, and she began to beam widely.

"You two seem so friendly already! How cute," she squealed, and immediately got grabbed by the hair by an annoyed Levi.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, nothing, Levi!" she laughed nervously until he released her. She nudged me in the side and whispered into my ear. "You should go for him, if you know what I mean."

_What? Me, go for someone like Levi?_

"What kind of nonsense are you telling her?" Levi growled. "Go and check up on the other rookies. I need to talk to this one."

"Aw, poo, don't spoil the fun like that," she pouted. "Lilianna, we should hang out more often, and get to know each other better."

"You will do nothing of the sort. Go and check up on the others, we don't have all day." Levi sighed, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders and beckoned for me to move closer, since I was rather far away. "Kriger, you still haven't explained to me what reasons you have for lying about your origins."

I had almost forgotten about that. I had assumed that he was just going to let it drop, like my complaint, but I guess he was starting to become suspicious of me. I hurriedly thought of a reasonable answer and came up with something that held truth, but wasn't the real reason why I wanted to conceal where I had come from.

"I never tell anybody where I'm really from, because I don't want anyone to ask me questions about That Day. And I don't appreciate people pitying me or treating me better just because of what happened to me. That's why I lied, sir," I spoke.

He narrowed his eyes sharply at me. "And you assumed that we would do the same to you?"

"That's what I thought, so I lied. I'm sorry."

"Just don't lie again, you hear me?"

"Okay, Lev- I mean, sir."

"Quit calling me by my first name, you stupid brat."

"My apologies, sir."


	6. Chapter 6

[Author's Note: Hello my lovely subscribers! This is honestly one of my favorite chapters in this series. This contains more humor than the other chapters and is sort of a transition from the tragedy from the before chapters. Lilianna is really an interesting character, isn't she? Please continue to favorite, follow, review, etc. Thank you! ^^]

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Six: Forward

(Warnings; Strong language.)

The day before the 57th expedition arrived, the new recruits gathered together in the lounge to review both our mission and the formation that we would be following. I was seated with Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and Connie, a diagram of our formation scrawled out across a sheet of paper the five of us shared. We would be heading out of the walls and into the enigma of the outside world, undoubtedly encountering Titans along the way. It was a shame that the outside was riddled with Titans, or we would all be able to enjoy the time we had out in the free, uninhabited land.

I thought back to the lecture we had gone through several times, my mind revisiting the knowledge I had already seared into my brain weeks ago. The Commander had devised a strategy that had proven to be both efficient and life-saving, cutting down the amount of casualties during expeditions outside the walls, thus boosting the survival rate. The formation was designed specifically for long distance enemy detection and was semicircular at the front, branching out into several teams with different tasks. There was the Commander, up at front and leading the formation, the relay duty, the stand by soldiers, including the Lance Corporal and Eren, and other assimilations of Scouts.

Since I belonged to the class of new recruits, I would be on relay duty, resting right between the cart envoy and the enemy detection back up squad. Our job was simple - to lead the extra horses and to be on relay duty. We typically encountered less Titans as opposed to those on the outskirts of our formation, who were in charge of sending out red smoke signals when they spotted any Titans. Once you saw the signal, you were to shoot one of your own, in order to notify the Commander in as little time as possible. He would then change course depending on which direction the Titans were coming from by a green smoke signal, aimed towards the new direction the formation was to follow in. That way, we could avoid fighting as much as we possibly could. As soon as we saw the green smoke, we followed suit, spreading the word through our colored signals.

Most Titans were hardly any match for the speed of horses, so they would eventually tire out from the chase and fall behind. That was if things went smoothly, according to plan. Most often than not, a Titan would manage to throw a wrench into the flawless plan, managing to exceed the speed of horses or avoiding detection due to obstacles such as landscape peculiarities or whatnot. There were also instances where Titans forcibly wedge their ways into the formation, so we would also have to be prepared for that scenario as well. When coming across any Abnormals, we would have to fight them - in most other cases, however, there was no need for battle.

It was a brilliantly-devised plan, to say the very least, and offered very little problems as juxtaposed to all the benefits it reaped. Something of this level of advanced genius was nothing short of what I had expected to come from someone like Erwin Smith. He was an astounding leader with an equally amazing mind, possessing smarts unrivaled by any other I had ever seen, save for Armin. It was understandable so many revered him for his sheer brilliance, although I could not say I particularly revered him for it.

I belonged to a relay team closer to the back, one of the safer positions compared to the others. If I were to choose where to be, I would pick the frontlines. I wanted to see the faces of those monsters who stole my friend's lives and kill every one that happened to get too close. Unfortunately, they left this job to the more experienced fighters, who had been out of the walls before and shoved all of us rookies into the lining of the inside. I had no objections, of course, but felt disappointed I wouldn't be given much of an opportunity to fight. After all, this mission was only to establish a supply root and go back, hopefully _alive_.

Once we came back from the outside world, if we did, that is, we would be considered true Scouts. I couldn't wait for tomorrow, to prove to myself and to my family that I was strong and had come a long way to get to where I was now. With these hopeful thoughts swarming my mind, I had been temporarily distracted from the conversation happening around me. It wasn't like I ever really participated in them, anyway, but sometimes, I felt like giving my two cents, mostly if I thought someone was wrong in judgment. Connie seemed to be chattering away excitedly to Eren and Armin, while Mikasa was sitting there silently just like I was. We were alike, in some ways, except that she was rash when it came to Eren and I never enjoyed showing much emotion.

I found myself thinking about the night before, when I had been caught sneaking out like I normally did. The Lance Corporal just happened to be roaming around when I had stolen out of the building in casual attire, sliding against the wall with caution before revealing myself and bumping right into the form of a much-unsatisfied Levi, who glared at me with suspicion. '_Where the hell do you think you're going_?' he had demanded, crossing his arms over his chest like he usually did and preventing me from escape.

Caught in the act, I remembered how he had made me promise not to lie again and simply told him that I was 'going for a walk, like I usually do.' Genuine uncertainty grasped at my throat as I had looked him dead in the eye, something everyone else was much too afraid to do. The air was still and tension between us was at a new time high as I anxiously awaited his response. Would he punish me for breaking the rules? Yell at me for thinking I could do what I wanted to? Get me into trouble with Commander Erwin and have me booted out and transferred to the Garrison?

Lingering, unanswered questions roamed the plantations of my mind, planting a seed of doubt that seemed to grow indefinitely into a continuously expanding mass of an amalgam of discombobulated thoughts, delitescent by the unwavering steadiness of my pupils. The unreadable, unpredictable male had merely said, '_Do what you want, Kriger. Whose rules are you following? Your own, or ours_?' That was all he'd said before walking off, leaving me alone with a clouded judgment. I didn't know whether to listen to what my mind was telling me, or to what the officers had told me in my first few days as a Scout. The equivocal nature of the Lance Corporal's words were nothing but his typical way of handling things, especially when it came down to me. It frustrated me to the point where I relinquished my own rebellious nature and returned to my room to sleep, and by then, Sasha was still awake to poke and prod and push me to the brink of sanity.

A sudden voice shook me out of my thoughts, jolting me back to reality. Jean was standing there, looking at me expectantly as if he'd just asked me something. I hadn't heard him, being so preoccupied with the mystery of the Lance Corporal plaguing my thoughts. Connie, Eren, Armin, even Mikasa had also stopped talking, somehow appearing surprised at whatever the horse-faced hardass had said this time.

"What?" I demanded.

"We need to talk."

Giving him a cold stare, I rose from my seat. "It sure took you long enough." I followed him out of the room and we met up in the place right in front of the horse stables. I plopped down onto a bench, raising my chin and brow. Jean sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his head before sitting across from me, hundreds of loose thoughts seeming to swirl through his mind.

What was he going to do?

It didn't appear as if he was looking for a fight this time around. If he were to yell at me again, I would just ignore him. I had lost the energy and the will to argue with immature idiots any longer, now knowing that yelling at them would make no difference. An idiot was an idiot, no matter what. You couldn't really help them if they were stupid and weak, could you?

"These past few weeks, I've noticed something," he started out, shockingly with a composure that I had never seen before. Tapping my foot in irritation, I narrowed my eyes at him, my lips sealed in a straight line. "I don't wanna die."

"You _don't_ want to die?"

"I don't wanna die and go forgotten, like a bunch of people whose ashes we can't even identify," he muttered, his hand balling into a fist as a white ghost passed through his otherwise calm features. "Marco... nobody even saw how he died. When his body was burnt, I didn't even know which ashes were his anymore... I'm selfish, I don't want to suffer the same fate and be just one of those people who died fighting the Titans. I want to make a difference first, then I'll be able to die with no regrets, knowing at least my name will be affiliated with something great."

"Marco..." I trailed off, imagining my freckle-faced friend beside us, beaming his gummy grin as he slung his arm around Jean. Jean seemed to be thinking of him as well, a nostalgic smile lingering on his lips as he reminisced about all of those good times we had with him.

"If Marco were here, he'd tell me the same thing you did," Jean uttered, eyes downcast as he searched for the right words. "That I was weak, childish, in need of growing up, and clueless about the real world. I got mad because you were simply telling the truth to me the whole time. I'm such a fool..."

"You are," I agreed. "But you're a fool who's done some growing up."

His eyes immediately flew up, meeting mine in astonishment. I found myself compelled to smile, and did so, but only ever-so-slightly as to not give him the wrong idea.

"Lilianna," he wept, sobbing like a baby. "Thank you."

"Don't cry like that when I just told you that you finally grew up a little," I sighed. "Stop crying like a baby, you're fifteen years old."

"I'm not crying! Geez," he claimed as he wiped away the tears coming from his eyes. He looked nothing short of an imbecile, with snot dripping from his nose and tears running down his face as he desperately tried to look as cool as he possibly could. I smiled in amusement, thrusting a handkerchief at him. He waved my hand away, concealing his face with his other hand. "I told you, I'm_ not_ crying!"

He took it anyway.

After several moments of silence, Jean continued with his growing-up speech. "I still think that you're selfish and mean," he confessed. "But I don't think you're cruel or have a bad heart. I think that's just how you are on the outside. I can tell. On the inside, you're just a normal girl, aren't you? You just put up walls to protect yourself, don't you? It took me this long to figure it out, that you're not as evil as I orginally thought you were. You're... you're actually really _kind_."

I glowered dangerously at him, more because I was alarmed by his sudden revelations than in malice. "The _fuck_ is this bullshit coming from?" I growled.

"Marco, he tried to tell me once, a few months ago," Jean said. "He told me he could tell, that under all of the toughness was just a lonely girl who'd seen hell and had nothing. So that's why she defended herself from pain by pushing people away. You said it yourself, Lilianna, that you push people away because you don't want anyone to get involved with you. Or don't you remember?"

My eyes widened as I was caught completely off-guard. I didn't speak a word and waited for Jean to continue on with his pointless rambling. If he thought what he was saying was true, then I couldn't say that he was _completely_ wrong. Perhaps, I hadn't played my act well enough. Or maybe, _just maybe_, Jean was the only person who had somehow seen through it all and seen me. The thought caused a shiver to run down my spine and I hurriedly wrapped my arms around myself.

"At first, I didn't think much. I was too blind, always searching for some kind of warmth, some kind of sense of security to attach myself to, so I falsely believed that it was love between us," Jean admitted. "I knew in my heart you didn't love me back but I still kept on, torturing myself. I guess, we were both using one another, weren't we? What we did, it wasn't wrong. We were both just lonely and had our own ways of showing it."

I snorted. "So you're saying that I was lonely, and used you as a release from the emptiness?"

"Yeah, I am. It's true, isn't it?"

I didn't answer.

"It's the same for me. You're not wrong for not loving me, you can't really force yourself to feel something," Jean muttered. "I know that already. I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight when I yelled at you that one time, saying Marco was killed because you were too busy with Connie. I'm sorry about basically denouncing you in front of everyone. I'm embarrassed when I think back to all the stupid things I did. It took me a while but I've realized now."

"Realized_ what_?"

"What it means to grow up." He smiled at me, then reached his hand out to touch my face.

"What are you doing?" I demanded angrily.

"Relax," he laughed. "It's the first time I've seen you cry, Lilianna Kriger. I'm surprised."

His callused fingertips brushed gently across my cheek, wiping away a warm tear that had somehow slipped out of my eye. I slapped his hand away, frantically checking if I had any other tears on my face. _Tears_ - they were the sign of weakness. So why was I sitting here before a dumb shit like Jean Kirschtein, allowing him to see me crying?

Ridiculous. _Absolutely ridiculous_. It was such a ridiculous predicament that I continued weeping, much to my horror.

Jean was the second person to see me shed tears, to see me in my lowest, most disgustingly vulnerable state. Why was I crying? What reduced me into such an unsightly state? Was it because Jean Kirschtein had grown up before I did? Or was it due to the fact that he had seen through all of the walls I had set up to shield myself from situations just like these? Or was it because I knew, knew and refused to admit, that every word he said was completely true?

"You're a fucking idiot," I spat. "I hate you."

He smiled, tears running down his dumb, butt-ugly face, too. "You know," he sniffled, "I like you like this. Shows you're more human than anyone else here."

"Shut the fuck up, horse's ass," I snapped. "You're so stupid and ugly, just shut it already."

* * *

The next day came quickly and we were all at the stables, getting ready for the expedition outside the walls. Suited in my gear, I ran to retrieve my horse, Queen, leading her out of her stable and stroking her mane gently. She was a tall, gorgeous horse, with a sleek dusty brown coat that shimmered under the sun, and eyes that shone brighter than anything I had ever seen before. She prodded me playfully, affectionately rubbing her nose against my shoulder as I pat her on the side, encouraging her quietly. Our mission today would require her to run for miles and miles across endless Titan territory and she would need a lot of fuel and a lot of encouragement from my half to be able to accomplish that feat. As I was tending to her, someone approached me, bumping me in the waist.

"Connie!"

"Hiya, Lili," he greeted, Sasha close behind him. "You ready for today?"

"Even if I wasn't, I don't really have much of a choice, do I?" I asked. "Queen and I are ready. How about you?"

"I'm so scared I'm going to piss my pants," Connie shuddered. "We're going to have to see those_ things_ again."

"Yeah. But we're also getting a glimpse of the outside world for the first time, even though we can't really enjoy it," I spoke, trying to show the more optimistic side of things. "We're also getting a taste as to what kind of job we trusted our lives with."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You're brighter than usual today. Usually, you'd tell me just to suck it up and deal with it. What's gotten into you?"

"Shut it or I'll shove my sword up your ass," I threatened as the tall, tanned, lean frame of Bertholdt appeared beside us. "Bert! You ready for today?"

"Huh?" he glanced around with uncertainty. "A-are you talking to me?"

"Yeah, who else?"

He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I-I guess I am..."

He walked off with his horse, joining Reiner, Ymir, and Krista not too far away. Connie gaped in amazement, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me. "Did you just ask Bertholdt if he was ready? And called him 'Bert'?" Connie gawked.

"Is there something wrong with talking to your fellow Scouts?" I retorted in annoyance.

"There is, if your name is Lilianna Kriger! You never do that stuff, that's not like you at all," he exclaimed, still in shock. "You made him blush, you know? I think even he was surprised."

"Oh, he did? How cute."

"'_Cute_?!' You never say that word! It's like a curse word to you!" Connie nearly shouted, astounded. "Are you okay? I'm a little worried now."

"I'm fine, Monkey Ass. Now shut up already, the Squad Leaders are coming to fetch us."

* * *

The mission ensued without many problems occurring, at least, not in the beginning. I rode my horse quietly along the grassy plains, Bertholdt and Ymir not too far away. We hadn't spotted any Titans ourselves quite yet, but both the right and left flank had signaled the appearances of a few, so we had changed directions a couple of times already. Neither the ever-nervous Bertholdt, nor the indifferent Ymir spoke very much so it was a silent, almost peaceful ride. If I were stuck with Connie or Sasha, they would definitely be chattering away at me the whole way through, so I appreciated this kind of calmness, one of which I had hardly gotten ever since I'd joined the Survey Corps.

Glancing longingly out at the endless trees and plains, I recalled what I had overheard the Commander discussing with Mike. They'd been speaking privately, far enough away so that their voices were just out of earshot, however, I'd been able to read their lips. While pretending to be preoccupied with fastening the harnesses on Queen's flank, I'd flickered my gaze across to Erwin and Mike, who were talking in hushed tones as the new recruits messed around noisily close by, paying no heed to what the higher ups had to say.

It turns out, this expedition was going to have some kind of twist to it - in reality, the goal wasn't really to establish a supply root, but something else. I wasn't able to capture much of it, not wanting to look suspicious, but I did manage to figure out that it all had something to do with Eren and Titan-shifters like him. Hanji and Levi had happened to show up at that time, interrupting my eavesdropping and I'd been forced to let it go. I needed to be more careful around the Lance Corporal, who seemed to always be constantly hovering around me, keeping an eye on everything I was up to. He had already figured out things that I'd tried to keep secret, such as my origins and my sneaking out at night in spite of knowing what the consequences were. If I wasn't more careful, he'd figure out I had other intentions in mind as well, not just my strong obligation to kill Titans. If he discovered what I was truly plotting, I would be done for.

"Squad Leader, mind helping me out? I've been stuck on this the last few minutes. I can't seem to tighten the harnesses," I had requested. The energetic female nodded eagerly, parading over to help me out, while the Lance Corporal watched me with an unreadable expression, my eyes darting about, looking for something to fixate itself upon. I bit my lip, fidgeting as he came closer,

I remembered how he had leaned close to me, eyes roaming my features as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His face mere inches away from my own, he'd sure made a scene that had Hanji reeling over in excitement, clapping her hands together and howling in her brazen nature. Levi completely muted her voice out as he withdrew from me, a scowl I was much acquainted with revealing itself to me.

"Something about you looks different today," he had mused, sounding uninterested. "What's with you? Had a good shit or what?"

I had vigorously shook my head, nearly offended by what he considered to be remotely humorous. What type of Lance Corporal made jokes about shitting? Surely, only someone like Levi would; after all, you could never in your wildest dreams anticipate what kind of behavior the man was going to show to you whenever his short form came into your line of sight. You never really knew whether he was going to yell at you, scold you, praise you, or tell you to go do something. That was just how he was - spontaneous, in his own way.

I had taken a particular feeling to the man, something along the lines of fondness, yet at the some time, I made sure to watch what I said and what I did whenever he spoke to me. He always looked at me as if he were testing me, assessing me of my worth and trustworthiness and above all, making me feel unprotected and exposed, something I despised. Thus, I avoided him as much as I could without making it obvious, but it was difficult when Hanji would always try to lump us together, and even when she wasn't there, the man, shrouded in mystique, sought me out himself, prompting girls to turn green eyes upon me and guys to ponder what was so special about me that I had the Lance Corporal himself making rare appearances during practice just to speak to or watch me.

Some saw it as favoritism, like a teacher and his pet, while others thought it was a whole different thing, that of the illicit, forbidden affairs of the heart. It wouldn't be earnest if I'd said that I did not desire for something of that nature, to indulge myself in an amour with the one who shined so brightly in everyone's eyes. However, in my heart I knew that I would be a fool if I were to trust the Lance Corporal. He was sharp, perspicacious, and keen with a knack of figuring things out on his own accord. It terrified me that he knew so little of me, yet so much despite only less than a month's worth of purely casual exchanges, save for that one instant where I'd received a complaint filed against me.

Clouded in an ultra-sensitive web of intricately spun lies, any movement, any tiny touch on the surface and it created a ripple effect. I made sure to keep my guard up on its highest whenever Levi came around to interrogate me. I felt like the only reason he always came around was because he didn't trust me, and so he was always there judging me, testing to see if someone like me could be entrusted with my duty. My intuition was telling me that I was over thinking things, that I was blowing things out of proportions, but it never hurt to be a little careful.

After taking notice that I was acting different than I usually did, he'd asked if I was feeling alright. I had nodded, assuring him I was going to do my best today and saluted him. He smacked me on the back of my head, almost in an endearing manner, _might I dare say_, before wandering off to go speak with the Commander and Mike. Meanwhile, Hanji lingered behind, seizing me by my arms and giving me the shake of my life, her eyes a twinkling mirth.

"Lilianna, you should go for Levi," she had cooed as she shook me. "I think you two make a cute couple. Go for it, please, for me?"

Her hands had been clasped together, almost as if she were begging for me to do so. I had merely laughed it off, brushing her gently away as I prepared to take off.

"I don't think we would get along well, I'm a new recruit and he's humanity's strongest soldier, it doesn't mix well. And besides, I have no interest whatsoever in that kind of thing," I answered. "How old is the Lance Corporal, anyway?"

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I don't know, actually. He's probably much older than you - I'd guess maybe his late twenties or early thirties."

"See? Squad Leader, he's much too old for me, I'm a child compared to him," I pointed out. "Levi doesn't even look like he's interested in romance, much less girls in general."

"_No_!" she'd interjected. "He's a man, just like any other man there is. You're older than most of the new recruits, aren't you? Eighteen?"

"_Seventeen_," I corrected. "If he's in his thirties, he's nearly twice my age."

"Who cares? Love is love, you can't do anything about it! Age, status, whatever, it's nothing when it's love you're talking about!" she exclaimed, refusing to give up. "Lilianna, please tell me you'll consider it. It's about time he gets a girlfriend, anyway. You're the only one he's ever taken some kind of interest in."

"That's because he thinks I'm a lazy pig and a rule-breaker," I calmly stated. "He's just making sure I don't cause any trouble. I'm sorry, it just isn't what you think it is."

"Aww, Lili, don't say that! You like him, don't you?" she wailed.

"I do. I respect him, he's a great soldier."

Hanji was devastated. "Not in a lovey way?"

"No. I'm sure he feels the same way."

My eyes had flickered over to the Lance Corporal, the epitome of what made a great man. I gazed at him from afar as he spoke casually with the Commander and Mike, who was lifting up his head, as if he were sniffing the air. '_Smells like apples_,' he had said, and Levi and Erwin had glanced in my direction, nearly catching me staring. I cleared my throat and bowed my head respectfully to Hanji before I had walked away, abandoning her in her ruined, desolated state...

* * *

"There's a Titan approaching," a voice suddenly announced, shattering my thoughts. Ymir had just spotted a ten-meter class Titan coming towards us from the left, seemingly having gone undetected by the outer left flank. I lifted up my gun and fired a round of a green smoke signal to indicate the appearance of any enemy, Ymir and Bertholdt following suit. The others on our side, who had noticed our signals, fired their own, and a few seconds later, Erwin indicated a change in direction, moving towards the right.

"You're awfully quiet," Ymir commented, glancing back at me. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing that concerns you," I smirked, earning me a glare from her.

"I thought you'd decide to finally be nice today, but I guess a bitch is a bitch, can't change that, can you?" Ymir grinned.

"I see that trait hasn't changed in you either," I said. "Poor Krista, I don't know how she deals with you."

"Bitch, don't bring my Krista into this conversation," the tanned-skinned, freckled girl snapped protectively. "After all this, I'm going to marry her."

Bertholdt was astonished. "You're going to _marry_ her?"

"It's not so surprising, Bertholdt," I commented. "Ymir isn't interested in men, or didn't you notice that already?"

"What, is there a problem with that? Love is love! Who cares if we're both girls?" she growled. "Bertholdt, I know you like Annie, but what about you, Lilianna?"

The tall, unsuspecting male was dealt a blow and his whole face lit up in a rosy pink color at the mention of his crush on Annie Leonhart, a girl who'd been in our class and had ended up going to the military police while the rest of us joined the Survey Corps.

"Th-that's a lie," Bertholdt cried out. "That's not true."

"You sure are getting flustered over something that isn't true," Ymir teased, causing his blush to deepen even more. He clamped his hand over his mouth and tore his eyes away as we continued on the path. "So, Lilianna, how about you? I'm sure you've got a crush."

I snorted. "No, why would I need something like that?"

"Who doesn't? I already know about how much Jean likes you," she said. "It's so obvious, he always stares at you. I wonder what kind of things he's imagining when he looks away with his ears red to the tip."

"What a load of bullcrap."

"He's been liking you since our trainee days? Won't you even give the poor nutcase a chance?" Ymir questioned.

"Why should I? He's a dumb piece of horse shit," I scoffed, as Queen whinnied beneath me, seeming to have understood what I'd just said.

"He's different now, he's not so much of a kid like before," she mused, the sound of her voice stronger than the constant beating of hooves on the ground. "Don't tell me you haven't once thought about it."

"He's a _child_. I'm older than he is."

"Age doesn't matter," she retorted, almost defensively. "If you love someone, who cares about age? You're shallow if you think that's what matters."

Instead of going back at her with a snide remark, I flashed back to what Hanji had told me just earlier. She had said the same thing, that love was love, no matter what the circumstances were. Lance Corporal Levi's face came to mind and for a split second. I was in shock. Why picture him at a time like this? It was strange and I hurriedly shook his face and name from my mind.

Bertholdt, recovered from earlier, glanced back curiously at me. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, waving my hand at him. "I'm fine, it's just my head is starting to hurt from Ymir's rambling."

"What?! Geez, I'm just trying to give you a good lecture here, and you brush me off like that. You know, I..." her voice became muffled in the as I focused on erasing those thoughts from earlier. The Titans, the expedition, that's only what I needed to think about right now, nothing else. I shoved away any other thoughts and fixated myself on the task at hand, which was to keep an eye out for any approaching enemies.

My head... _it really was hurting_.


	7. Chapter 7

[Author's Note: Please do check the warnings for each chapter! Some are different than the others and may contain more sensitive content than the last. This chapter in particular does contain more mature content, so proceed with caution! Also, please review! There's only seven reviews so far. ;_;]

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Seven: Soldier

(Warning: Strong language, violence, etc. Proceed with caution, my loves!)

When I spotted the first emergency smoke signal, I instantly knew something had gone terribly wrong. A series of emergency signals were shot up into the sky, spanning out from the right flank where the lookouts were supposed to be keeping an eye out for any Titans.

"What? Is the right flank completely wiped out already?" Bertholdt asked nervously. He bit his lip, turning his gaze out to the endless expanse of plains.

"It looks like they've encountered some kind of problem," Ymir mused. "I wonder what he'll do now."

"Who?" Bertholdt inquired.

"The Commander, of course," Ymir responded, appearing as stoic and unfazed as ever. Bertholdt clutched his reigns tightly, a bead of sweat collecting at his temple as we galloped on ahead, waiting for some kind of signal from the Commander. None came and we were forced to continue on in spite of the obvious circumstances. I stared off at the vanishing smoke signals, my mind roaming back to what information I had managed to pick up from my eavesdropping earlier. Levi and Hanji appeared before I could figure out anything useful, but I did know that the Commander had something in mind, something he only shared with a selected few of his officers. Something that had to deal with Eren and something that he didn't trust even his own men to share it with.

_'Just what are you thinking, Commander?'_

I bit my lip as I pondered over the possibilities. What could be so important that he wouldn't withdraw even though we were obviously in a tight situation? Nothing could be that valuable, could it? Just what was he aiming for with this mission if it wasn't to establish a supply root? I puzzled over this as we rode on, lacking the authority and the choice to do otherwise. I saw a group of Titans approaching from the left and took out my gun, alerting the others that more Titans were coming from this side as well. From the looks of it, too, one of them was an Abnormal-Class, crawling on the ground at a dangerously fast pace. He was heading straight towards us like a torpedo.

"Squad Leader, what is your command?" I called out to Squad Leader Roger, who was up ahead, farther to the left than Bertholdt was. If it was a Deviant, we were instructed to kill it. That wasn't a problem, but the fact that there were several other Titans around it was. If Roger charged in by himself, he would have to deal with not just an Abnormal, but also a handful of other ten-meter class Titans.

"I'll handle it, you three stay here," he spoke, then prepared his swords.

"Sir, I'd like to come with you," I asked, shocking Bertholdt and Ymir with my forwardness. "I'd like to assist you with this."

"Kriger…" he seemed to be contemplating over it for a while before realizing it was probably a good idea to take me along, even if it meant that he lost a little face by bringing a rookie into a kill. "Fine. But be careful, you're still only a rookie. I'll take the Abnormal and help you out after that. As soon as I step in, you return to your position, you hear?"

"Yes, sir."

I directed Queen to follow after the Squad Leader, leaving Bertholdt and Ymir behind as the two of us headed out to fight the Titans. As soon as we had gotten within a close-enough proximity, the Squad Leader launched his wires out towards the crawling Abnormal, swords poised for the kill. I pat Queen on her mane before jumping off, shooting my anchor into the shoulder of one of the Titans. Using momentum to propel myself around the back, my body braved the harsh flapping of the wind as I reeled myself in to deal the killing blow. I mowed down the first Titan with ease, dodging under the outstretched arm of the second and shooting my right anchor into the backside of the third.

I moved quickly, narrowly managing to escape the clutches of the fourth Titan as I cleanly diced out the neck of the one I was currently attached to. I maneuvered myself with ease, smoothly taking out the last two before the Squad Leader could even step in. Queen trotted over upon my whistle and I mounted her, plugging my swords back in and returning to the formation behind Bertholdt and Ymir. Squad Leader Roger, on his black steed, rejoined us a moment later, appearing genuinely surprised.

"Kriger, you're quick. They were all dead before I'd even finished off the Abnormal," he said.

"You're pretty fast, aren't you?" Ymir smiled, glancing back at me. "I saw how good you were. Why didn't you rank?"

"Because, I wasn't as good as the others were," I answered nonchalantly, unaffected by her suspicions.

Even Bertholdt cast a wondering gaze my way, having witnessed how easily I had taken down four Titans on my own. Ymir pressed no further and all of advanced ahead, right towards a thick, dark forest up ahead. Were we going to go through it? Surely, the Commander had knowledge we were headed straight for this, so why hadn't he changed courses to go around it when we had the chance? It had to be a part of his plan. I knew it in my heart that it was.

"We're heading around the forest! Commander's orders!" a man from the center formation informed, delivering the instructions from the head of this mission. "New recruits are to stay on the outside of the forest, preventing any Titans from entering!"

Ymir, Bertholdt, and I exchanged glances. Just what was the Commander thinking?

* * *

We ended up tethering our horses and assuming positions upon the giant trees, attracting the Titans and preventing them from entering the forest like we were instructed. Squatting upon the thick, prickly, uncomfortable cushion of the tree branch below me, I stared down at the Titans clawing at the trunk of the tree underneath us, trying to reach us Scouts who were perched upon the tree like birds rather than soldiers. I propped my elbow on my leg, leaning my head onto my hand and staring down at the ugly creatures dumbly making futile attempts to get a hold of us. I fought the itching desire to swing down and obliterate them all, restraining myself solely because the Squad Leader was standing close by, preventing me from taking actions into my own hands.

After what felt like hours idly lounging about, a screech erupted from the center of the forest, rippling out in large sound waves and reaching us all the way on the outskirts of the forest. Wincing, my sensitive ears buzzed as the sound echoed throughout, alerting those sitting on the outside of activity going on inside. Moments after the sound rang out, even stranger noises traveled out from the epicenter, sounds that sounded like the firing of cannons of projectiles. Raising my head, I saw that Ymir was leaning against a tree disinterestedly, Bertholdt the only one who appeared remotely concerned.

"Geez, it's so noisy behind us," she droned. "Say, Bertholdt, you haven't any idea where Krista went, do you?"

"No, sorry."

The air was tense and quiet as the sounds subsided, leaving us to wonder what possibly could be going on inside of there. The Commander must have had a good reason for leaving so many people out on his true intentions. Squad Leader Roger was just as puzzled as we were, though he tried not to show it. I easily read through his seemingly knowing expression, realizing he was left out of the loop just as we were. I crossed my arms, shifting positions as I heard what sounded like maneuver gear behind used in the dark behind me.

I turned my head and saw that a shadow had passed behind me, out of the detection range of the others. My gut feelings were telling me that that person had notified only me of their presence purposely, pressing me to follow after them.

"I'm moving," was all I had said before leaving my spot by Bertholdt. The Squad Leader didn't even notice as I stole away, gliding through the trees after the mysterious person. Their hood eventually blew back, revealing a full head of gelled-back blond hair, one of which I recognized belonged to that nobody who had the nerve to pick a fight with me – _Matthew Mackerie_. What the hell was he doing leading me out so far from my original post, and without so much as glancing back at me?

I narrowed my eyes into slits, gaining on him to confront him. However, before I could catch up, he suddenly turned around, malice slithering across his face like a snake as he drew his blade. He swung his arm, making a slice at my wire and narrowly missing my second one. Spiraling out of control, I leaned towards the left, attempting to overpower the force throwing me out of balance.

"Wha—" I swung out of control, colliding into the trunk of a tree as what remained of my right wire fell down to the Titans crawling down below. I attached myself to the trunk that I had impacted, hanging idly as I glowered venomously at him. "What the _fuck_ are you doing?"

"I've been waiting for this time to come, where I finally get to ask you for the truth," he spoke, ice coating his voice. I looked at him as if he were insane, which he truly was. What nerve he had to cut my wire, especially at a time like this! If I weren't as practiced and as accustomed to the gear as I was, I certainly would have fallen to my demise in the clutches of the Titans. What kind of thing induced him to go to such measures, just to ask me a question he could've asked while back in the city? The battlefield was no time for nonsense like this, especially when our lives were at risk.

"You're insane," I growled. "If you wanted to ask me something, you could have done so without having to cut my wire, idiot. You could have murdered me."

"I wish I did," he huffed. "Right here, right now, you're going to tell me the truth. The truth about Marco! If you don't, I'll cut off your other wire!"

I stared at him in disbelief. _Marco_? What did he have to do with anything?

I gazed testily at Matthew, who I had only conversed with twice prior to this day, and wondered what kind of bullshit was running through his mind that he wanted to go so far as to kill me. The blond was crazed; sweat was pouring down his face and his eyes were wild and animalistic. I could recognize that expression anywhere – it was that of true insanity and murderous intent. I kept on my toes, my sword at my side in case he decided to come at me. At this point, I had no idea what he was capable of if he would even kill a fellow human.

"What about Marco? I don't know what you're talking about, you psycho," I replied. "He's been dead for over a month already, why bring it up now?"

"Because, I never had the chance to confront you, not like this, where I finally have the upper hand over you," he spat. "How does it feel, huh? You're not so high and mighty now, are you, Lilianna Kriger? Or should I say, _murderer_?"

"'_Murderer_'? What the hell has gotten into you?" I asked, trying to keep my voice down. "What are you accusing me of doing?"

"You evil bitch, you killed Marco! I heard what Jean said. You were the one who caused his death," he claimed. "Tell me the truth right now! Why did you kill him? He was the only good person I'd ever known, nobody but him has ever cared about me, ever worried about me. What kind of reason did you have to take away such an innocent person who has done nothing to you?"

"Look, I don't know where you got the idea I had something to do with him dying. I never killed him, ask Jean, he knows I'm telling the truth," I argued. "Why would I kill Marco? There's no reason I would do something like that."

"Exactly, that's why I'm asking you right now. Just admit it, you bitch! I know you did it! Just confess here and I'll have a peace of mind!" he shouted in sheer despair. "If you don't tell me you did it, then I'll get you kicked out… I'll tell the Commander what kind of person you are. Evidence or not, that'll definitely get you booted out of the Survey Legion. Lance Corporal Levi, that bastard, always letting you off the hook... But this time, _this time_, you're not getting away. I'll ruin you… I'll fucking_ kill_ you!"

"You'd do that?" I demanded. "What kind of nonsense are you saying? Do you hear yourself? You're going crazy. I didn't have anything to do with Marco dying, he died in battle, fighting against the Titans."

Just then, I began to put two and two together, tying all of the loose ends and linking everything that had happened to me the past month. That feeling that someone was following me, that absurd complaint, the reason the Lance Corporal was so keen on monitoring me – it was all because of Matthew. He was the reason that he couldn't trust me, the reason why the Lance Corporal went out of his way to always seek me out; it was because of Matthew's constant complaining, his adamancy in getting me kicked out that prompted the Lance Corporal to have to see things out for himself. Matthew had stalked me, had followed my every movement, looking for the opportunity to strike, to figure out what would render me helpless. He had filed a hateful complaint against me, sending it to the Lance Corporal himself because he strongly believed I had something to do with killing Marco.

Why did he believe that? Was it only because he'd overheard Jean yelling at me that one day, and falsely believed that his accusations were true?

He had no hope to cling on to, nobody to explain the reason Marco died, so he pinned it on me, the last one to see Marco living.

"I'm 'crazy', huh?" he snorted. "I asked Jean a few weeks back. He said the same thing, that you were the last one to see Marco alive. How could you leave him? What did he do to deserve that? Tell me, you murderer! I'll force it out of you, if it's the last thing I do!"

He tightened his grip on his swords, as if gearing up to attack me. I kept my wits about me as I tried to avoid any further conflict with him, wanting to bypass the incoming struggle that was looming up ahead. From the way he comported himself, his eyes bloodshot and hazy, I knew that a fight would soon ensue, in which one of us might end up seriously hurt or even… _dead_. His judgment had long since clouded and without a single doubt in my mind, I knew he possessed the capacity to kill, and kill because he genuinely held the false belief that it I was to be blamed for Marco Bodt's death. Was that it? Or was there another, more prevalent reason as to why this nobody, who'd only confronted me now, had wanted to get rid of me so badly?

_That was it._

It wasn't just because of Marco, it was because Matthew Mackerie was envious of me and envied me so much that his jealousy eventually morphed into loathing. That loathing, that sense of inferiority, prompted him to go insane. Could a human really be pushed to these limits? To be so driven by their rage, their jealousy, their emotions, that they'd do anything? Suddenly, my blood went cold and my whole body was abruptly seized with an overbearing chill that froze me to my very bone. The jolting revelation was enough to temporarily incapacitate me, leaving me completely open, vulnerable to the malicious man who finally had the upper hand over me. He came flying at me with his swords raised up high, the steel glinting in what little sunlight had penetrated the canopy of trees above our heads. A barbarous cry emitted from the depths of his throat as he closed in upon me, too stunned, too horrified, too petrified to put up a fight.

He was the same as me. He was just like I was.

_Slash!_

I watched as he desperately grasped at thin air, trying to grab a hold of me, of anything, as he fell, fell straight down into the pit of Titans below, screaming a scream that rang in my ears, louder and more terrifying than everything I had ever heard before. I was rendered immobile, watching from where I hung as he was caught in the hands of a savage Titan and was ruthlessly shoved into its mouth. The Titan, ignoring his cries of agony, sunk its teeth down into him, severing his body into two halves. His shrieks were muted as his torso was chewed up, his dark red blood spewing out from his body and spraying high up until it splashed on my face, serving as a reminder of the man who had just been standing there before me.

The Titan smiled as it devoured what remained of Matthew's body, ingesting his gear along with him. It went down with a horrifying crunch as his bones were crushed and the metal accompanying him on his journey to hell. Unspoken words lodged up in my throat as I looked down at my hands, my hands coated in hot, crimson liquid that seemed to burn my skin. A pair of sliced wires was dangling in front of me, anchored to the tree before me but missing the person that they belonged to. In self-defense, while Matthew had came spiraling towards me like a torpedo, I'd parried his swords, knocking them out of his hands, and at the same time, had inadvertently cut his wires in the process. Having nothing to hold him up, and no swords to protect himself with, he was utterly defenseless as he dropped from the sky, pummeling straight down into the vat of monsters waiting down below.

I'd done it. I'd orchestrated the murder of Matthew Mackerie.

"Matthew, you…" I uttered, unable to move. I gazed down into the smiling face of the Titan, a sick feeling churning deep in my gut. He craned his head up, as if asking me for more from where that had come from. "You… knew too much anyway…"

* * *

Bertholdt and Ymir glanced at me curiously when I returned, noticing that one of my wires had been cut and there was blood all over me. I sat tiredly down on the branch that I had been poised on before, wordlessly staring out into the distance. Bertholdt recoiled in apprehension, noticing that my clothes and my hands were spotted with the blood of another person, not of my own.

"What happened? You're covered in… you're covered in _blood_," he sputtered.

"What?" Ymir stared at me in disbelief as I remained unresponsive to their inquiries. "Lilianna, what the hell happened? How did your wire get cut? Why are you covered in blood?"

She strode over, her cold, hard hands roughly grabbing my stiff shoulders. "Just what did you get yourself into?! Answer us, or—"

A sudden blood-curdling, shrill cry rung out from the inside of the forest, temporarily rendering us all deaf. That cry, it was just like Matthew Mackerie's – desperate, helpless, like a cornered animal. I shuddered, grabbing onto Ymir's collar.

"I had to do it, he tried to kill me!" I exclaimed. "He said I killed Marco, he told me he was gonna kill me if I didn't tell him I did it… He came at me, so I cut his wires. H-he fell, and a Titan ate him. His blood… it's all over me. He knew too much, he said too much, he did too much... It's his fault. It's his entire fault, he did it to himself."

"What are you saying?" Ymir shouted. "Get a hold of yourself for God's sakes, Lilianna! _Who_? Who tried to kill you?"

"I couldn't help it, I _swear_, it was an accident," I wailed, holding my hands up. "I didn't wanna kill him, I didn't. Why'd he have to do that? If he'd just stayed where he was, this wouldn't have happened. _He_ did it; I promise you, I swear to God, it wasn't my fault. It was an accident, honest. Yes, it was an accident, I don't have to worry, nothing's going to go wrong… I can still do what I sought out for…"

"She's going crazy," I heard Ymir mutter as I continued to ramble on. "Bertholdt, try and talk some sense into her. She's nuts."

"B-but—"

"Hurry up, we don't have any choice here!" she yelled, shocking him with the force of his voice. "If we leave her like this, she's really going to go insane."

"He deserved to die, anyway, calling me a fucking murderer," I hissed, smiling. "You should've seen all the blood… it was all over the place. The Titan, it was smiling, like it was laughing at him… I could've died too, y'know? What would happen then? Nobody would've known what ended up happening to me… Just like Marco."

"Lilianna," Bertholdt called nervously as he took over. "Are you okay?"

"Bert! You know I'm not a killer, right?" I asked. "I'm not, I swear."

"I know, I know you're not," he said cautiously, then placed gentle hands on my shoulders. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not."

"Someone else was hurt, right? Who?"

Matthew's shriek rang throughout my head, still fresh in my mind, as if he was dying in front of me all over again. I clutched my ears, trying to shield out the screams, the images of the blood and carnage flashing wildly through my head. "No! Stop it… You're just a nobody, a nobody, stop haunting me…!"

Bertholdt's eyes went wide in realization, as he turned back to an uneasy Ymir, who was standing there, watching me go mad. "I know who it is – Matthew." He shook me lightly, trying to get me to stop the quaking that was now rocking my system. "Lilianna, it's over now. P-please, stop screaming."

My throat felt dry.

I lifted my head up and through my misty eyes I could see Ymir and Bertholdt, staring at me half in reproach, half in unadulterated concern. Was I screaming? What kind of things had I just said in the last few minutes? I was going insane, losing my mind, but for what reason? Why were they looking at me like that, genuine fear in their eyes like I was some kind of monster?

"I-I feel sick to my stomach," I whispered, before barfing, my guts pouring out and searing my throat in an unbearable pain. Bertholdt pat me on my back, trying to no avail to soothe me.

"Let it out, you'll feel better afterward. Ymir, hand me some water," Bertholdt mumbled. Ymir sighed, fetching a flask of water and handing to the boy kneeling at my side. He handed me the bottle. "Drink some. It'll help."

"Thanks," I weakly said, gingerly accepting it.

What the hell was wrong with me? My head was pounding and I was becoming increasingly nauseous by the second, my head swelling with a tangled amalgam of trauma. The pain was hard to bear and I found myself chugging down all of the water, the cold liquid soothing the burning in my throat. Just what kind of things had I inadvertently revealed to these two in my fit of insanity? Did I let it slip out, what I was truly hoping for when I'd joined the Survey Corps? Surely, _surely_, I hadn't, right? But why were they looking at me with such an expression in their eyes? Was it fear, or was it… understanding? ...Sympathy?

"Levi, where is he? I need to speak to him," I croaked, trying to stand up. "He needs to know, that I—"

"No, nobody needs to know!" Bertholdt cried, stunning both Ymir and I. "Nobody needs to know what happened… It was an accident, you didn't mean it. The Titan was the one who killed Matthew, it wasn't you. Forget about it."

"Bertholdt…"

"Drink up the water - it'll revitalize your body."

"B-but…"

I reluctantly nodded my head, keeping it low so that they wouldn't be able to see the guilt riddling my eyes.

* * *

When I next awoke, I was lying down in a cart, covered by a cloak, one that smelled… _sweet_. I slowly sat up and winced when a sharp pain shot up my left shoulder. It was late afternoon and the sun was still beating down upon the earth, unrelenting, merciless. We were far from the forest, in the safety of the plains away from the Titans. Rubbing the back of my head, I scanned my surroundings and saw that people had been collecting bodies, wrapping them up on stretchers. Just how many people had died on the mission? And had it even been successful?

Before I had fallen asleep earlier, I'd overheard Armin and Jean speaking with one another about a 'Female Titan'. I'd been too dazed to ask, but apparently all of the commotion that had gone on in the center of the forest was because the Survey Corps had attempted to capture a Titan, one who was like Eren – a human clad in Titan's flesh, or a Titan-Shifter, as the name had been coined. I didn't know much about it, but from the looks on people's faces, the whole mission had been in vain and we had accomplished nothing. All of those bodies that were strewn out on stretchers on the ground – had they all died for nothing?

"So, you're finally awake," a voice said beside me. The Lance Corporal was standing by the cart, only the top of his head visible. He was hardly taller than I was, so his height made it hard to see him over the edge of the cart. I almost laughed, but then realized what kind of predicament I had managed to land myself in. I was suddenly punched in the gut with my revelations and clamped my hand over my mouth to muffle the vomit threatening to burst out. The man hoisted himself into the cart, kneeling down beside me. "You've been out for an hour and your shoulder's busted. How are you feeling?"

"Levi," I uttered, completely forgetting the attach honorifics. "I… Matthew… He's… "

"I know," he muttered gently. It was silent for a while, before Hanji popped her head into the conversation.

"Lili! You're up," she beamed, awfully cheerful in spite of the obvious situation. I knew she was doing so because she wanted to be as optimistic as she possibly could, but it just made the whole thing seem even worse. I tried to get up, grimacing as my shoulder reminded me of its condition. When I'd crashed into the tree after Matthew had sliced my wire, I had hit it pretty hard against the hard trunk, except at that time, I didn't realize how bad it actually was. "Levi was worried about you, you know?"

"Squad Leader," I mumbled. "Forgive me for being rude, but it isn't the time for that."

The smile vanished as fast as it had come and she lowered her eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Levi noticed the situation and changed the topic. "Can you walk, Kriger?"

"Yes. It's only my shoulder that's hurt," I assured. "How about you, are you hurt?"

"No."

"How many did we lose?"

"A lot."

Connie and Sasha were tending to their horses as I walked over to them, my shoulder bandaged up in an improvised cast. They greeted me in relief, though their eyes were soulless. Queen trotted over to me from where Jean and Armin stood, affectionately prodding at me with her muzzle. I stroked her mane with a forced smile, feeling dizzy as if I were in some kind of dream, but then I realized this was more like a horrible nightmare. At least I could say that I was glad Connie and Sasha were okay, although it was hard to say the same for those that had died or gotten severely wounded during the battle.

"Your shoulder…" Sasha pointed out.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad, but I'll live. It's nothing," I said. "Are you guys hurt?"

They shook their heads in unison.

"I'm glad, thank goodness you guys are okay," I smiled weakly.

"Are you sure you didn't hit your head, too?" Connie inquired. "You're acting so nice, it's unlike you."

I laughed dryly. "Is it?"

After speaking with them for a while, learning about the Female Titan and our failure to capture it, I heard a commotion going on not too far off. Dieter, a veteran, along with another, had confronted the Commander about retrieving the body of their friend, who had been left behind while most officers' bodies had been picked up and brought along.

"I can't accept this, Commander Erwin!" Dieter yelled, approaching the blond, grim-faced man. "We should go back and retrieve them! Ivan's body was right in front of us!"

A higher-ranked officer, who stood by Erwin, interjected as soon as he'd seen the man raising his voice against him. "There was a Titan right in front of him! If we retrieved him, it could have resulted in another casualty!"

Dieter shot back, undaunted by the man's reasoning. "If they attacked, we could have just killed them!"

His friend, much more composed than he, turned towards Erwin. "Ivan's an old friend. We're from the same town. I know his parents. If nothing else, I'd like to bring his body home."

"Don't be so selfish!" the officer snapped, as Levi stepped in, drawn to all of the noise.

"Squabbling kids?" he asked. They whipped around in surprise, staring at the authoritative figure that had heard their pleading. "If you confirmed he's dead, that's enough. Whether or not you have the body, dead is dead. It won't change anything."

"N-no…"

"We'll say Ivan and the others are missing. That's my final decision. Give it up."

With that being said, Erwin turned and walked away, Levi shortly following after him.

"Don't you guys have any human feelings at all?" Dieter shouted after them, pain and anger encompassing his features.

I bore my eyes into the back of Erwin's head, my hands balling up into tight fists. I understood where Dieter was coming from. My parents, my brother, my family… everything was wrenched away from me That Day and it was all because of _him_. Because of him and his failures, I'd lost everything and the lives of the innocent were unlawfully taken away from them. The mission today was just proof that I needed to go through with my plan, injured or not, whether I was torn, broken, or powerless. I had to do it, no matter what. I was going to make sure that I followed through with the preparations I had made the past five years.

_I was going to make him pay._


	8. Chapter 8

[Author's Note: In this chapter, you're finally going to get to know Lilianna more after what - 39,000 words and seven chapters? So far, she's been very secretive about her past and hasn't really revealed anything about her beginnings. Thanks for the 9 reviews! ;u;]

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Eight: Failure

(Warning: Strong language, violence, sensitive material.)

"Can you ride the horse? If not, then I'll handle Queen for you and you can sit in the cart," Armin asked as I headed towards my horse.

"I'm fine, don't worry. How's your head?"

"It doesn't hurt that much anymore," he answered. "More importantly, I'm worried about Eren. He's still unconscious."

"He transformed into a Titan, right? It's only natural that he'd be exhausted. He'll be alright," I assured. I tried to get onto Queen, but my shoulder made it impossible to do so. Armin caught me by my arm before I could fall, concern gripping his features.

"I think you would be better off in the cart with the others. I'll take care of your horse," he advised. There was no wariness in his eyes like before.

"Okay. Thanks."

The wounded officers sitting in the cart hardly even looked up as I joined them. They were too worn out, too broken down to have the energy or willpower to lift their heads. I sat some distance away at the back and stared out at the horizon. The forest seemed so far away now, merely a speck in the distance. I blocked out my trauma and focused on my task at hand, which was to move forward with my plot to destroy the man behind it all - Erwin Smith. Before the mission, I had began to have lingering doubts about whether or not I should go through with my scheme against his life, but now, I was reminded of all the agony, all of the deaths that he had caused. I pictured the far away, smiling faces of my family as the cart bumped along the rough road, heading back to human civilization.

I thought back to the time before That Day and a sick feeling stirred up inside of me. It seemed like just any other normal day - twelve years old and nearly at my teenage years, I had been a dainty young girl, blossoming with energy and overflowing with joy and love, love for my family and everyone around me. I was popular around my side of town because people would always see me wandering about in my yellow sundress and straw hat, my long brown hair up in two buns, one on either side of my head. I was always happy, as I remembered, greeting everyone I saw and making friends with even the most unapproachable of people. I befriended the homeless, one in particular that went by the name Grumpy Timothy.

Everyone had always been afraid of the cranky old man, all except for me. Even though he would wave his fists at children and snap at them, it was actually because he was lonely and missed the carefree innocence of the childhood long since past. He never yelled at me, not until I'd approached him one day offering him steamed dumplings my mom and I had just made together in the kitchen. He cursed at me, calling me a 'no good Orient', and tried to shoo me away. I didn't allow his seemingly harsh words to get to me. In fact, I'd smiled at him, then sat down next to the home he had constructedbfor himself out of cardboard and cloth and opened up the basket of dumplings.

I had told him the story of my first time making dumplings, how I'd accidentally pounded my finger with the mallet while preparing the wrap, and how I had a bad thumb for two full weeks before I tried making them again. I showed him the folds in the round dumpling, teaching him how my mom had taught me. I'd had some extra wraps in the basket so I'd given one to him, asking if he wanted to try it out for himself. We ended up making dumplings together, me telling him the legends behind the traditional Chinese food I was so fond of making, and he, the meanest man around, slowly opening up like a flower at the the start of spring.

He told me of his days as a young man, how he had pursued a lady he'd fallen head over heels for. She was a Chinese, like I was. When I looked at him as he spoke about her, I saw the joy and the life spring back into his eyes, as if he were falling in love all over again. She'd ended up marrying another man, but that didn't stop Grumpy Timothy from loving her. He still loved her now, wrinkled with age and bitter with loneliness. I'd been the first one to show him genuine kindness in over twenty years, taking the time to talk to a 'mean-old man' like him.

Since that day, I'd visited him on a daily basis. People looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I loved Grumpy Timothy. He was a kind man underneath his meanness. One day, I was walking along the path I usually did, when I realized he was gone and his house was, too. A group of boys I knew happened to be hanging around there, so I'd asked them if they knew what happened to him. I learned he had died overnight and the authorities had taken his body away in the early morning. He left nothing behind, no trace, nothing but memories of the times we'd sat together, talking.

It was then that I realized how feeble life was. I never truly knew what death meant until that morning. After that loss, I tried my hardest to live my days to the fullest and cherish those around me more than ever before.

My little brother, Aaron, was born with an incurable disease that left him with a weak heart and body and he was constantly falling ill. Doctors predicted he would die before he reached fifteen years old and that meant he had five years, maybe less, left for him in this world. He was physically weak but emotionally strong. He was always optimistic, always cheerful, always greeting me when I came home with a cheeky grin on his face. He loved to eat watermelons, so I'd always bring one back for him everyday to eat.

Mom stayed at home most of the time to take care of him, while Dad was always constantly in and out of the house, being both a concierge doctor and a private tutor. He was always such a hard-working man, toiling all of the time to support his family and help others out. Dad was what you could truly call a philanthropist. He was kind and loving, a perfect father to Aaron and I and a perfect husband to my mom. He was admired and well-respected by all who knew him, having saved thousands of lives over his career.

The night prior to the fall of Wall Maria, I'd had a family dinner, the first in a long time, with Mom, Dad, and Aaron. It was fun and carefree. We would have never guessed that our blissful happiness would be shattered the next day. Dad was at home with Mom and Aaron when the Colossal Titan peered over the wall. Meanwhile, I'd just gone out to the bakery to get some fresh bread and was walking down the sloping sidewalk, humming softly to myself when I saw that a great shadow had suddenly cast itself over me. Looking up, I'd seen him looking over the wall down on us, mere ants compared to his massive size. Being so shocked, I didn't even know how to be afraid as I met his very eye, right before the wall had been smashed in, giant slabs of sharp stone flying through the air, smashing homes and people in their path of destruction.

A league of Titans infiltrated the city shortly after, grabbing people and muffling their cries of horror by shoving them into their mouths. I had been so petrified that I failed to notice that a huge piece of stone, twice my size, had knocked me over, pinning me down and rendering me completely helpless as the Titans entered human civilization. All you could hear from all around, were the sound of screams, so _horrific_, so _graphic_ that they were permanently engraved into my mind. What surrounded me was no longer a world of joy, of peace, of love, but of _destruction_, of _murder_, of _fear_.

I longed to be with my family, to at least die together with them rather than be stranded out in the heart of the city, all alone with a fallen basket of bread loafs laid out beside me. My back was completely covered by the stone, concealing me from the eyes of the monstrous devils wreaking havoc across what had once been a sanctuary of peace. Hell had rained down on earth, leaving me helpless to do a single thing in the defense of my life and those that I loved.

"No!" I shrieked, pounding my hands on the pavement. The weight pressing on my back was so great, so overwhelming, that I felt as if I were suffocating underneath it, dying a slow, painful death as I desperately fought in vain to wriggle myself out from under it. "I have to get out! Please, someone, help me!"

I spotted the tailor's son, Robby, who I had known since I was born, dash out of house, straight in my direction. Seeing an opportunity for help, I shouted at the top of my lungs at the older boy, hoping he would hear me and help me out of my hopeless situation. He heard my cries for help, his wild, terrified eyes meeting mine for a split second, but he did not slow down to rescue me. The slim chance I had of living slipped past me and in that moment I realized what true despair was.

True despair was when you realized you could no longer trust your fellow humans, your friends, your family - I lived in a world where it was every man for himself and those who were weak perished while the strong and able thrived on. Things became clear to me; it had been that way all along, hadn't it? The strong oppressed the weak, the smarter were more successful than the stupid, the richer lived better while the poor suffered. The world was a cruel, evil place, where everything was based off a system of survival. Power and promises of affluence and endless riches was the impetus that drove man to the breaking point of what made them human.

_In the end, was it all worth it?_

The strong preyed on the weak. In order to survive, they'd resort to losing their humanity. What they once valued, what they once proudly claimed they cared about, what they had vowed to love, to protect, was all forgotten the instant they remembered - only those who are strong survive. As soon as the wall had fallen, mankind lost their humanity.

Husbands abandoned their wives, parents ran away, forgetting their children, elders were neglected and left to die, friends relinquished their promises of everlasting companionship for survival. It was the Devil revealing himself before my eyes as I lied there on the ground, seeing all of this unfold before my very eyes. I no longer cried out for help, knowing nobody would come to save me anyway. The inundation of Titans was terrifyingly quick - in a manner of minutes, Shiganshina was flooded with them, more and more pouring in through the gaping hole in what remained of Wall Maria.

The ground was red with blood and the air thick with the sound of blood-curdling shrieks and frenzied panic. A dark shadow fell over the stone as a Titan discovered me, bending down to peer at the petite little girl pinned under a heavy slip of stone, hair pinned up in two buns and a basket of fresh bread going cold next to her head. It smiled at me, as if to mock me for thinking I could go unnoticed, before reaching a hand under the rock to pull me out.

I was unable to scream nor fight, the two fingers of the Titan pinching at me, trying to pull me out. Its fingers however, were much too large, so it was forced to pick up the stone first, pulling the immense weight off of my back and giving me leeway to escape. I grabbed the basket, flinging it into the face of the monster, scrambling across the pavement before finding the energy to get up and make a run for it, down the path towards my home, only five minutes away by foot. Miraculously, I hadn't broken anything, but I hadn't escaped unscathed. I was covered in cuts, bruises, and blood, the red hot liquid running down my knees as my feet beat wildly on the ground beneath me.

At that time, I knew the Titans had to have reached my home, but I still pressed on, clinging onto the tiny strip of hope that I had. At least, if they weren't dead already, I could see them one last time before I suffered the same fate. Everything was blurred around me as my adrenaline pushed me forward, beating the odds and allowing me to get all the way to my house without being caught by one of those Titans and made into a snack. I could see the path winding up to my house up ahead and picked up my speed, my heart hammered in my small chest as I dashed up to my home.

"Mom, Dad, Aaron! I'm back, I'm here!" I'd shouted, as if coming home after a day with my friends. That's when I saw what had become of them - my house, or what used to be my house, now laid in shambles. The roof had caved in after debris had smashed into it and my mom and dad were lying beneath it, unconscious but breathing. I frantically ran into the ruins in search of Aaron, my feeble little brother. I saw him half-conscious, a piece of rock the size of me holding him down. He'd smiled weakly at me, welcoming me back.

"Hey, sis," he'd whispered weakly. "What took you so long?"

"D-don't worry, I'll get it off!" I reassured him, tears streaming down my face and pelting the rock beneath me. "Mom and dad are stuck too but I'll get them out. Just hold still, okay? I'll get you out of here..."

I latched my hands onto the stone and pulled with all my might, exerting all the force I possibly could to try and pry it off. It wouldn't budge, no matter how much strength I used. Desperate, I grabbed a metal beam I saw and tried to use it to flip it off of my brother, but even then, it didn't so much as budge. I was useless, unable to do a single thing as my poor brother wheezed and coughed, his ribs fractured from the unbearable weight.

"Sis, it hurts," he cried, the first sign of tears rolling down the sides of his face. "Hurry and get it off, will you? I know you're strong. Get it off so I can help you with Mom and Dad..."

"I'm trying! Don't worry, I'm not leaving you guys here, so don't even think that for a second," I wept pitifully as I tried and tried and_ tried_ to get the rock off of him. I couldn't do it - a twelve year old, petite girl like me wouldn't be able to move it, but a full-grown man could. Desperate for help, I looked around, screaming for some kind of help. Nobody came, nobody but a Titan, who had heard my pleas for help and was drawn to the sound. My eyes widened in horror as I fell back onto the ground, an icy-cold fear seizing my whole body. We were going to die, all four of us, at the hands of the Titans.

"Lilianna..." my dad groaned, regaining his consciousness. "I'm stuck... Where's your brother?"

"He's right here," I sobbed. "He's stuck too and the rock won't budge. Dad, you gotta do something, there's a Titan coming... He's gonna... he's gonna kill us all and eat us..."

"Sis! Sis, where are you?" Aaron cried from the other side of the rubble. "It hurts... I can't breathe!"

"Aaron, hang on, I'm gonna get you out. just bear with it a little lo-"

I was grabbed by a huge hand and lifted up into the air with ease, the Titan from earlier grinning widely at me as it examined me, my eyes fixed on its huge mouth, its endless rows of large, blood-stained teeth that would soon close in upon me. My fate was sealed at that very moment - I was going to die first before anyone else in my family, before I could even tell them I loved them, before I could utter a word of goodbye. I shrieked, frantically trying to escape as the Titan opened its enormous mouth, preparing to sink its teeth down into me.

"_No_! No!" I yelled, thrashing wildly in hopes I could somehow get out of its iron grip. It was a futile attempt and I drew closer and closer to the gateway of death. "Let me go, let me go!"

Before I could be eaten alive, I heard a whizzing sound behind m, and in the next moment, I was on my hands and knees on the ground, the Titan dead on the floor beside me, vapor pouring out from a gaping wound in its neck. Emerging from the steam was a man clad in a forest green cloak, two blades in his hand and a face like none other. The man was beautiful, with features only the heavens could have bestowed upon him. I temporarily forgot my fear as he wiped the blood from his face, stopping to look down at me.

"Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing?" he'd growled. "What are you doing here? There's Titans crawling all over the damn place. You have to get out of here!"

"I can't! My brother... my parents, they're all pinned under stones that are too heavy for me to lift. Please, you have to help them, they're hurt," I begged, hearing the cries of pain coming from my brother and father. "You're strong enough to lift them up. Please, please, I'm begging of you..."

"I'll do it," he snapped, although his tone was surprisingly kind. "Just stop it with your crying, you're not a baby anymore. How old are you, five?" He entered my house, and proceeded with the task I'd pleaded him to undertake. He went for my brother first, as he was the first one he'd noticed.

"My brother, he's sick," I informed. "Please hurry, he's seriously hurt..."

"I got it, kid, just stand back and let me do my job," he retorted forcefully, dropping his glinting blades as he bent over to look at my brother. "Hey, don't worry, I'm gonna get this thing offa you, so you better stop crying, okay?"

"O-okay," Aaron coughed as the mysterious hero scooped his arms underneath the stone, his face contorting in strain as he tried to lift it. He was exerting himself, but yet, even he could not pick it up. I heard a sound behind me and whipped around, a tall, blond man entering the scene. The man who'd rescued me glanced back, recognizing the person who arrived, and beckoned at him to give him a hand.

"Erwin, come help me pick up this thing, it's fucking heavy. It won't budge," the dark-haired handsome male spoke.

"We can't waste our time here, Levi," Erwin stated, then noticed me on my knees by Aaron. "Take this girl and get out of here. It's too late to save the others."

"We have time! Just give me a hand here with this one at least," Levi requested, unwilling to abandon my brother. "I'll take responsibility of getting these two kids out of here, just-"

"We don't have the time to waste it on this! Can't you see, they're already dying! Take the girl and go, it's an order. We can't save everybody," Erwin instructed ruthlessly. "Now, Levi."

Levi, having no choice but to obey his commands, picked his swords up, then me, whisking me away from the scene of wreckage. "I'm sorry," he apologized, his eyes clouded with desolation as we took off into the air.

"N-no, let me go!" I hollered as the house became farther and farther away. Erwin, the true manifestation of the Devil himself, had left the house, not so much as even trying to save my family. A horde of Titans had advanced, nosing their way underneath the rubble and picking up my dad first. Levi covered my eyes as he carried me from there, mowing down Titan after Titan in his path. When we finally reached the evacuation scene, he dropped me onto the ground, kneeling in front of me with his features plagued by unspoken guilt.

"Kid, follow these people and get onto the boats. You're getting out of here on them and there'll be people on the other side to help," he'd said to me, unable to voice his concerns about my family and that of my state of mind. "Hey, you listening to me?"

"Yes," I'd almost whispered, grabbing onto his cloak as he turned to leave. "Thank you for saving me... And for trying to save my brother, I'm sure he must have been happy. He always dreamed of becoming a Scout."

His gaze softened, a hint of what seemed to be a smile on his lips. "Just remember what I told you and don't do anything dumb." He walked back in the direction he came from, his sweet scent lingering in the air around me and the image of those wings on his back flapping in the wind as he'd taken off.

Such had been my first meeting with Lance Corporal Levi and with Commander Erwin Smith, five years ago in the hell that had taken place in Shiganshina. Those two faces I could never forget, forever branded into my eyes as one of God and the other the Devil. Since That Day, I had changed forever, losing that innocence, that sweet charm that had once earned me the reputation of being the kindest, friendliest girl in town. I became an inverted version of what I'd once been, letting my hair down from those buns I'd always kept them in, making an iron stamp of the Wings and branding them into my hands as a reminder of what I'd experienced. My once bright, radiant eyes became dull and cold as my whole being underwent a metamorphosis, evolving into a hardened, driven individual who knew not pain nor friendship, but only that of her aspirations for vengeance. That was how I became Lilianna Kriger, the Lilianna Kriger that I was today, the one who only knew hate.

And Erwin Smith... he had yet to recognize me, to pay for all of the pain and death that he'd caused. I would murder him and hand over the seat to the Lance Corporal if it was the last thing I did. If I was killed, jailed, tortured after doing the deed, then so be it. I would had avenged the lives of countless men and women, children, elders, and most of all, my family, who he'd selfishly left to suffer a tragic death. The pieces of my puzzle were slowly falling into place, and I, Lilianna Kriger, would stop at nothing for my revenge.

"Titans approaching from the rear!" a voice alerted, bringing me back to the present. Two horses were being chased, and riding them was none other than that Dieter character, who'd openly spoke up against Erwin, along with his friend. What looked like a body was on the back of Dieter as the two men were chased down by two fourteen-meter class Titans. Levi's horse slowed to instruct the back carts, who were carrying the dead bodies. The Titans were going to catch up to us, our pace slower than usual because of all of the corpses we were transporting back to the inside world.

Dieter's friend was eaten, while Dieter himself had to be saved by Mikasa, who came in on time before he could be made into a snack. At this point, it was extremely dangerous, and out in the plains, it was pretty much impossible to use maneuver gear. Levi had no choice but to order to dump the bodies so that we could escape without any further casualties. The look on his face - it was just as it had been when he realized he could do nothing for my family, and whisked me away from the scene. Despair etched itself across his experienced features as he watched the bodies get thrown out, tumbling beneath the trampling feet of the Titan pursuing us.

He had seen so much, lost so much throughout his life. In reality, he wasn't that perfect, heartless, all-powerful soldier everyone saw him as. He had feelings just as anyone else had, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to share his miseries and his pains, bearing some of his pent-up despair on my own shoulders. The Lance Corporal put on a tough face all of the time, because he was Humanity's Strongest, a role model for all. He could not succumb to his emotions even if it were tearing him apart from the inside out, even if he watched his own men die before him. He always had that dead-pan look on his face because he knew that if he wasn't still going and being strong, then nobody would have any hope left in them anymore.

He noticed that I wasn't on my horse and rode beside me. "Kriger, your arm that bad?"

"Yes, sir."

"Where's your horse?"

"Armin is taking care of her for me."

"You feeling better?"

"A little."

"Good."

He galloped back to the front of the line, where Erwin was, leaving me to gaze after his evanescent figure, his cloak flying in the wind like it was That Day, and the day we met again, me having been rescued from death once more by him. When I'd first met him, five years before, the first thing he'd said to me after killing the Titan who had me halfway in his mouth had been, 'Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing?' A month ago, at Trost, when I saw him again for the first time, he'd said the same exact thing to me. I uncovered my hands, which had been sitting in my lap, and saw that the wings had faded completely from my palms - but my resolve hadn't. In fact, it was stronger than it was ever before.

'_Erwin, I hope you'll be prepared for what's coming for you._'

* * *

We'd made another stop as the higher ups decided on a change of course, and I sat at the edge of the cart on my own, deep in thought as I recalled Matthew's terrified shriek, his wild, desperate eyes, the blood that had stained the trees. I remembered how shattered, how broken down I had been when I returned to Ymir and Bertholdt, covered in blood and going insane. Even I had limits as to how much I could handle. I could only bear so much trauma, even though I'd strengthened myself psychologically over the last few years for something like this. I was glad it was only those two who'd seen me in such a state - they wouldn't talk, even if they were asked.

Levi trotted by on his horse, stopping by Dieter, who was standing by himself, both Ivan and his friend having died. The Lance Corporal drew something out from his jacket, placing it in Dieter's hands.

"This proves that they were alive. To me, at least," he'd spoken, before getting back on his horse. "This was Ivan's."

It was the wings of freedom, cut out from Ivan's uniform. Dieter was driven to tears as the man he'd accused of having no human feelings showed to him that even he cared, that he had emotions as well.

"Lilianna!"

Jean suddenly showed up and saw how bad my shoulder was. He wrapped his arms around me and in that instant, the warmth I'd been seeking shrouded itself around me. How long had it been since I'd been embraced like this? I longed for the feeling of security and in that moment, Jean had been the one who had given it to me. The good arm I had wound around him as I returned his embrace, baffling him beyond the point of disbelief.

"How is a butt-ugly horse face like you still alive?" I mumbled.

"Quit it with the horse comments," he retorted, then drew away from me. "You didn't get to see the Female Titan, did you? That bitch, she almost killed me out there. If it wasn't for Armin, I'd be a goner."

"Did they ever find out who she is?"

"No, but she's one of us, that's all I know," he replied. "Can you walk? Sasha stole some rations when the officers weren't looking."

"That glutton," I said, almost endearingly. "Where is she? I'm starving."

* * *

"So Matthew is dead, huh?" Connie mused after I'd told them what happened. "Why would he try so hard to kill you? I don't get it. He was always a cocky guy, but I didn't think he'd try that."

"He must've really cared about Marco," Jean commented, biting into a piece of bread. "If I hadn't said anything, maybe he'd-"

"It couldn't be helped. Either way, he was still going to try something like that, so don't say it's because of you." I munched ravenously on my share of bread and gulped down some much-needed water.

"Huh?!" Connie suddenly exclaimed. I gave him a questioning gaze, narrowing my eyes at him. "Lilianna, first you call Bertholdt 'Bert', say he's cute, then you go around being so nice, and now you even told Jean not to blame himself. It's scary how nice you've become."

"I didn't tell him not to blame himself. I said, 'don't say it's because of you', it's two different things. Don't get cocky and say that all Matthew did was because of you, Jean," I retorted. "What's wrong with being nice once in a while? What the fuck are you trying to say about me, monkey brain?"

"N-nothing, I swear!"

We bickered light-heartedly for a while before quieting down when we remembered what kind of situation we were in and all the things we'd seen. As Connie received a quarter of a baked potato from Sasha, he bit into its soft flesh and looked up at me with cheeks full of food.

"Really, though, Lili," he spoke, bits of potato flying out of his mouth. "You've changed a lot."

"What a load of crap," I said. "I'm no different than I was when I met you guys."

"Connie's right," Sasha agreed. "You're actually a good, nice person, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not," I said. "If only you knew..."

"Knew what?" Jean inquired.

Just then, we were all ordered back to the horses. We would be returning to the Karanese District and back to human civilization. The whole way there, I couldn't help but think about what Connie and Sasha had said about me. If only they knew what kind of things I was plotting, then they'd surely resent me for it. Somehow, that idea made me terrified - my friends, my comrades, hating me, looking down at me as if I were a monster. I was one, wasn't I? Tricking so many people, pretending I was good, when I really had malicious intent masked behind my facade. I felt sick to my stomach, sick of myself.

The gates to the Karanese District drew open and waiting inside on the streets were citizens out on the streets. Windows opened as the townspeople looked out at us, hearing the symphonious clicking of horse hooves on the ground. Instead of being greeted with warmth and welcoming, all we received was hostility, abasement, contempt. I was dumbstruck. Weren't the Survey Corps revered for their heroism, for all that they sacrificed for the people? Weren't the words that passed from person to person about our sacrifices only full of laudatory remarks? No. They stared at us in disgust, some even in pity as we came back not valiant and accomplished, but_ beaten, injured_, and _shattered_.

"The Scouting Legion is back..."

"There seems to be far less of them than in the morning."

"Weren't they all pumped up and shouting early in the morning?" one man jeered. "Now, those failures are back by noon!"

"Why did they even go outside at all?"

"Judging by their gloomy faces, it was all in vain again..."

"Sometimes, I think our tax money goes just to fatten them up."

"Well, they've succeeded in wasting all of our tax money on their stupid stunts outside yet again, if nothing else."

"Lance Corporal Levi! I'm Petra's father," a man greeted, catching up to Levi. "Thank you for taking care of my daughter. I thought I'd stop by and talk to you for a little before going to find her. She sent me this letter, you see, she wrote she had the high honor of being of service to you, Corporal."

A wave of horror struck me like an arrow. Wasn't Levi's entire squad completely wiped out? That included officers Petra Ral, Gunther Schultz, Erd Ginn, and Auruo Bossard, all of whom I'd only seen once or twice, but knew Levi cared deeply about and trusted. And now, her father had come up to Levi, completely oblivious to the fact that he would never see his daughter again. I was petrified.

"She said she was gonna live up to all your expectations. Well, you know, she was outright boasting, not understanding how that kind of news can worry a parent," he chuckled nervously, as if he had the gut feeling that Petra would not be returning, that he would not be able to find her face amongst the dark and gloomy parade of soldiers, who were subject to the public's denunciations and disparaging castigation.

We were the primary focuses of public ignominy, walking a worse, more shameful march than any criminals ever could. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked down at my feet, unable to say a single thing. We had not come back victorious, but as failures who'd ventured outside the wall for nothing. I caved in to my bottled up frustrations, burying my face in my arms and hiding myself from the spiteful, hostile glares of the angry masses.

"Commander Erwin, we have a few questions to ask of you!"

"Have you managed to accomplish some grandiose goal to make up for the number of victims the Legion has suffered?!"

"Do you have any remorse for sacrificing your soldiers?"

We walked on.

We were failures, not soldiers.


	9. Chapter 9

[Author's Note: Original ending is rated M, but I took it out to keep it rated T. (: Message me if you want to read the original as well!]

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Nine: Shot

That evening, we settled in on a base in the Karanese District. The Commander was summoned to the capital, so he'd be departing the following day. For the rest of the day, we would just relax, although it was hard to considering the circumstances. I joined the rest of the 104th Trainee Squad outside, as I still preferred to call it, and sat down in between Connie and Jean. Everyone was chatting like they usually did, but it was impossible to be genuinely casual after such a failed expedition, especially since it was our first one.

"Lilianna, you came!" Krista exclaimed. "We were wondering where you were."

"I was helping out the superiors with cleaning," I explained, as Ymir protectively threw her arm around the blonde, dainty girl, pulling her in.

"H-hey! _Ymir_!" Krista exclaimed as Reiner smiled at me.

"Heard about the little show you put on with the Squad Leader," he spoke. "Four Titans in one minute, eh? Impressive."

"_Wha_-?" Connie choked. "_Four_, all by yourself?"

"In a single minute? How?" Jean asked.

"I bet Mikasa can kill a lot more than I can," I said, and she looked up upon hearing her name. "Eren, how are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess," he said. "But tomorrow they're going to have to take me to the king..."

"Don't worry, we won't let them hurt you," Mikasa guaranteed. "Lilianna, how's your shoulder doing?"

"It's fine," I lied.

"You hit it pretty bad," Bertholdt pointed out.

As soon as he spoke, I remembered what happened earlier, when I had broken down and he had assured me nobody but he and Ymir would have to know about what happened with Matthew. He was willing to help me cover it up, even though he and I hardly knew one another. He was so quick as to say that he'd helped me keep a secret - just how trustworthy was he, if he was so willing to hide things like that? He seemed always so nice and easy to talk to, but I guess he, too, had things he didn't want other people to know.

"Yeah, I know. But really, it's nothing," I replied. "What are we going to do while Eren and the higher ups head into the inner walls? Are we just going to stay out here?"

"I dunno, looks like it's probably going to be that way," Connie mused, appearing bored. "I wanna head back to my home village while I'm here. It can't be too far away."

"Same here," Sasha sighed.

"If we get time to visit, I wanna go with you guys," I suddenly requested, shocking everyone there. "I don't want to impose or anything, but I don't have anywhere to go if they asked us to visit home. I wanna see how your families are."

"You don't have anywhere to go?" Bertholdt asked in confusion.

"Yeah. I'm from the outermost section of Shiganshina," I explained. "So on That Day, I saw that bastard of the Colossal Titan looking over the wall. And when he kicked it in, one of the stone slabs nearly crushed the life out of me. I was too small to get out of it."

"O-oh," Bertholdt trailed off, looking away.

"So what happened then? If you don't mind me asking, that is," Eren asked. "We were living in the same place but we never crossed paths."

"I was stuck there, completely helpless. A Titan noticed me, so when it tried to pull me out, it ended up lifting the rock so I ran as fast as I could," I told to a captivated audience. I had relived it so many times that it didn't pain me to finally reveal a little bit about myself to the companions I'd eventually grown to trust. Somewhere along the way, I don't know how or when or why, I had begun to trust them.

"You didn't break anything?" Connie asked, transfixed by my story. Although he knew I was from Shiganshina, this was the first time that I actually told him or anyone else about what I had actually gone through.

"I don't know. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I was too scared to care about myself," I shrugged. "I ran all the way back home, to my family. I was sure they were all dead, but they weren't. They were trapped under huge chunks of stone, but I couldn't do anything about it. My little brother, Aaron, he was crying because it was hurting him so much."

Eren looked up upon hearing what sounded like his name, before looking back down at the ground, imagining the horrifying things that I was telling them. In many ways, Eren reminded me of my own little brother. They looked alike, with brown, tousled hair, and big, curious eyes. They were both fighters who weren't afraid to be different, to beat the odds. I saw a lot of Aaron in Eren. I guess that was why I found that I'd had an attachment to him - because they reminded me of each other.

"I couldn't save them," I concluded, leaving it there. "The Titans came and it was over with."

"Then how did you get out of there alive?" Krista inquired. "It must've been so scary..."

"I was saved by someone from the Recon Corps," I answered. "I owe everything I have to him..."

"Do you remember who it was?" Jean asked. "Have you seen them again?"

I shook my head. "I don't remember their face." It had gone silent after that, as everyone mulled over what little information I'd let slip out about my life before.

"It would have been nice if you could see them again and thank them," Armin said. "A reunion after five years would be a little neat, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," Eren remarked. "I-if you saw their face again, would you remember?"

"Who knows? I might."

"This is the most you've ever spoken, you know that?" Reiner suddenly pointed out. "I've learned more about you in five minutes than I have for two years."

"He's right," Krista inclined her head, then smiled warmly at me. "Lilianna, you should talk more often. It's always us who do the talking. I'd love to hear more from you from now on."

"From me? I don't know. Maybe."

We all chatted casually for a while before Reiner brought up another question that had been bothering him. "Lilianna, you said you didn't remember anything about the person who rescued you. So why did you say '_he_' just earlier?"

"Huh?" I glowered at him. "It was just a slip of the tongue, is all. I don't remember anything about them."

"Stop picking on her, Reiner," Bertholdt protested nervously. "Lilianna, just ignore him."

"No objections here," I smirked, earning me a series of laughs. Reiner sighed dejectedly as I, yet again, had won.

* * *

Levi was sitting in his office when I'd gone to visit him after dinnertime. I rapped lightly on his door and only seconds later, it slowly creaked open. Lance Corporal Levi stared blankly out at me before moving aside to allow me in. Bowing my head, I passed by him into the room and saw that he had been sifting through stacks of paperwork, a cup of cold, tasteless tea sitting on his tabletop. The room was dimly lit, the walls lined with shelves stock full of dusty old books. Levi shuddered upon the sight of the dust, picking up a rag and wiping it away, grumbling under his breath as he randomly began to tidy up the room.

Eventually, he was satisfied with what he'd done and beckoned for me to sit down on the couch. I did as told, his cold eyes keenly watching my every move. Was he still doubting my reliability? His assessing countenance suggested that he was, though I couldn't be one-hundred percent certain. Levi's emotions were never easy to read, especially since he kept them so well-hidden. I couldn't look into his eyes long enough to figure him out, finding myself feeling flustered and uncomfortable.

"What was so important that you had to come and interrupt me while I was working?" he asked coolly, his voice sharp and his eyes critical.

"Um, actually..."

What did I come here for? Even I didn't know. Troubled and without anywhere to go, I'd wandered around aimlessly and gradually wound up at his door.

"I wanted to speak with you, sir," I replied. "Sorry for bothering you."

"What'd you want to talk about? I don't have all night, so hurry up and spit it out," Levi ordered.

"I wanted to talk about you," I blurted out without thinking.

"About me?" he stated more than asked, leaning against his desk.

"U-um, what I meant was... how are you? When I saw you earlier, looked like you were having some trouble with your leg, Lev- I mean, Lance Corporal," I hastily corrected myself. "Did you injure yourself?"

"Hmph. No, I'm in perfectly good condition." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Kriger, what is this really about? I can see it in your eyes, you didn't come to check up on me."

"The truth is, sir, I don't know why I came here. I didn't have any reason to come here, but I did," I admit. "Maybe there was too much on my mind and I ended up wandering off here, for whatever reason. If you want me to leave, I will. I'm sorry for disturbing you."

I stood up to leave, but he stopped me. "Stay with me, Lilianna." I did as told, astonished by his sudden command. Sitting back down, I realized that for the first time, he'd genuinely addressed me by my first name, rather than by 'Kriger', or 'You'. Baffled, I was rendered speechless as the serious man asked me something I never would have expected to come from him. "What's troubling you?"

"Y-you mean, you want me to tell you what's on my mind?" I inquired, dumbstruck.

"Yes, you half-wit. Geez, you're slow."

"I was just surprised, is all." I smiled a true smile at him, completely overlooking his harsh insult. "Actually, I was thinking of something, something from a long time ago... Five years, maybe almost six by now. Maybe it's too much of a hassle for you to be listening to me, but I remembered something very important to me earlier, on the ride back to the safety of the walls."

He made no comment, nor did he bother looking at me, but I knew that he was definitely listening to me. What a strange occasion this was, indeed. Humanity's Strongest Soldier, Lance Corporal Levi himself, had willingly volunteered to act as my therapist, as I told him what kind of things were on my mind. It was so unlikely, so out of the norm that even I paused for a moment, wondering if I were in some kind of dream. I pinched the skin on my hand, hard and judging from the intense pain, I knew I was not in what felt like a lucid daze, but in real life.

"I lost everything I loved on That Day," I muttered. "Before that happened, I always had a false perception of the world that I lived in. I only saw the beauty in the things around me, never the demons lurking underneath. I don't know if it was because I was in denial of the evil plaguing the world, or if I was truly just innocent, having no knowledge that things such as death, as fear, as pain existed. I wonder - if I were transported back in time, would I still be able to love everything as I had back then and appreciate what I once held sacred? Or would that perfect image of them shatter the instant I lay eyes on them?"

Still, he said nothing. I didn't allow that to lower my spirits and because he did not tell me to stop, I continued on.

"It's a scary thing, to realize you can't even trust yourself," I said as a chill ran down my spine. "I feel like sometimes, what I perceive to be true is just an illusion because I don't want to accept the truth. Have you experienced that? That's why I have to give things a second look, a more careful one, because I want to make sure that my brain isn't just playing tricks on me. I'm sure this is the situation I was in at that time. I knew of the darkness, yet I refused to see only the light. Was that a good choice or bad, to choose idealism over realism?"

He looked up at me then, genuinely considering what I had just said, but offered no commentary. Wedged deep in the gullies of wonder myself, I untangle myself from the discombobulated mess and unwound my ponderings into a single, coherent train of thought.

"I guess, sometimes, it's better to play the role of the fool," I smiled, thinking of Jean. "If you're stupid, at least you are too dumb, too deficient of the capacity to understand the ways of nature. Ignorance truly is bliss, isn't it? If I could, I'd abandon everything I have now, all of these skills for a taste of that child-like pleasure and gaiety I once indulged myself in."

I clutched my hands into tight fists, my knuckles white from the amount of force I was exerting. "It's tiring to be strong. The battle for survival is exhausting, but I still move on, because there's a debt I must repay, no matter what... Even if I die in the process, I must do it. I owe someone my whole life for what they've done for me, for my family."

"You're saying that the reason you've lived on to this day is to repay this debt?" Levi finally spoke.

"Yeah," I spoke. I saw that billowing, forest green cloak, those wings, that hero emerging from the smoke. I saw him, Lance Corporal Levi, the man I owed everything to. The one who I...

"Then what are you doing here, in the Survey Corps?"

He shot me down.

"I'm... I pledged myself to save humanity from the brutality of the Titans. I don't want anyone to experience what I have. No human being deserves to suffer that way," I said. "I will never cower in fear, never run from Titans. I'll destroy them, avenge those who have died because of those monsters. Levi, I swear to you, even if I have this debt, I will not forget my duty," I promised.

"Good. I like that look in your eyes. I was beginning to worry you were soft shit," he smiled, then stood up straight. As soon as he tried to stand, he stumbled over, his face contorted in pain.

"Levi!" I exclaimed, then rushed to his side. He swatted me away before I could get any closer, and glared at me.

"Did I ever say I needed your help, Cadet?"

"N-no, _but_..."

"Don't piss yourself over seeing me get a foot cramp," he snapped.

"If you're hurt, you need to get it checked, or else it might-"

"I don't need your pity. Forget it."

"You can't expect me to forget about it," I argued, surprising him. "The one who I owe everything to, can't you see? _It's you_."

He didn't speak.

"Maybe you don't remember since it's been such a long time," I spoke, my voice unwavered. "But you saved me just before I could get eaten by a Titan. And when I pleaded with you, you willingly helped me out. You spoke to my brother, Aaron, making his dreams come true. You tried to help me, to help _us_, when everyone else turned away and abandoned us. You tried to save Aaron, even if you were told not to! You're the only reason that I'm alive today. If it weren't for you, I'd be just another casualty and my family just another forgotten name. They're all gone now, but I know it in my heart that they'd want the same as I do, to repay you for everything you've done-"

"Get a hold of yourself, Kriger! Do you know what you're saying?" he forcefully demanded. "Do you realize what you're telling me?"

"I have a hold of myself," I assured. "That's why I wanted to thank you, to let you know how I feel..."

"I'm no different from any other soldier," he firmly claimed. "Stop spewing out this bullshit about being indebted to me."

"You're wrong," I debated. "You're different, that's why I love..."

I caught myself, petrified of the words about to come from my mouth. Levi, taken aback, was speechless as I clamped my hand over my mouth, my face burning in humiliation. My heart thudding in my chest, I came to discover the hard way that I'd somehow fallen in love with him, with the Lance Corporal, who I swore I had no intention of ever loving. My whole body went numb with fear and for a long while, I just stood there, unmoving and unable to utter a single word.

"You..." Levi was equally as speechless as I was, hostility and spite flooding his sharp, black eyes. "What... what the hell were you about to say?"

Ignominious tears culminating in my eyes, I slowly removed my hands from my mouth. "I... I have to go, it's past my bedtime, Sasha must be looking for me," I said, recovering my composure. "Thank you for listening to what I had to say, sir. I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble. I promise I won't do it again."

I bowed my head, then turned around and left the room calmly, closing the door behind me. I walked all the way to the room I'd been assigned, opening the door and realizing my roommate was not Sasha, but Jean. He saw the tears in my eyes and sat up from where he sat, stopping me in my path and grasping me by my wrists.

"Lilianna, what's wrong?" he asked, genuinely concerned. I took one look into his eyes and broke down crying, my heart aching with the pain of unrequited love.

"Why can't I love you, Jean?" I sobbed angrily, pitifully, gravely. "Why can't I love you...?"

"What are you saying... Who made you cry?" he demanded, enraged. "Why are you crying?"

"I did this to myself," I murmured in despair. "I did this to you, too, Jean. It must be karma getting me back, right? It _hurts_... why does it hurt so badly?"

"Where does it hurt?" Jean inquired, tenderness in his gaze. "Tell me where it hurts."

"_Here_." I placed my hand over my heart and he shut his eyes in anguish.

"Your... heart, Lilianna?"

"What do I do? It won't stop," I cried. "Am I going to die? It feels like I'm suffocating from the inside, dying slowly but painfully... Shit, I'm fucked..."

"No, no, you're not. I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here."

He was terrified, terrified because I was.

"Jean, is this what you felt when I screwed with your feelings?" I whispered, grasping his hands tightly. "I made you hurt like this, too, without even realizing how much I-"

He silenced me with a gentle kiss to my lips, directing my crying face to his serious one. "I... I don't care about that anymore," he breathed. "So stop blaming yourself already."

"Blaming myself? Is that what I'm doing?" I caressed his face, my hand lingering on his cheek. "I wish I could love you, Jean, then none of this wouldn't have happened. I'm fucking selfish! I deserve to die, I want to suffer like you have... just fucking kill me already."

My frustrations came bursting out as I wept like a pitiful, abandoned child, cursing myself, and cursing my very existence.

"I'm evil, aren't I? I'm such a horrible person... I've always thought only of myself, haven't I? I-I'm no better than that sick bastard who left my family to die. What was it all for? Was that selfishness really worth it?"

"Get a grip of yourself!" Jean shouted, grabbing me by the shoulders. I cried out as an unspeakable pain shot up my arm, reminding me of Matthew and that horrible fate that he'd met. "I-I'm sorry! I forgot your arm is injured..."

I laughed bitterly, imagining my blood-soaked hands. "Fuck it all... What kind of hypocrite I am, cursing that man of being a heartless murder when I am one myself."

"What man? Is he the same one who hurt you?" Jean interrogated.

In the dim light of the kerosene lamp, I noticed Jean for the first time ever. He was devilishly handsome and young, having grown from the foolish child I had met two years ago into a leader, a true solider. He would do anything for his friends, even if it meant giving up his life. If only... If only I could be like him, if only I could grow up and purge myself of the hatred plaguing my tarnished spirit. I was trapped with no way out.

"No, he's not the same one..." I said.

"What are their names? Both of them."

"Forget it. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It matters! Can't you see that I want to help you? It hurts me to see you like this."

"_Help me_? The girl who played with your heart and broke it? Don't be an idiot... I'm worthless, don't bother with trying to help me. You deserve better. You're a good-looking guy, Jean, and you're young. I'm sure any other girl would be happy to be with you. Just forget about me, please." I moved towards my bed, but Jean refused to let me go. "Jean! Stop it!"

"Don't you realize you're being selfish?" he asked, then embraced me with all of his might. "I don't give a fuck anymore. I still love you, no matter what. Even if you don't love me, I want to be able to be there for you, to love you, even if it's only for tonight."

"Jean; what the _fuck_ are you saying?"

"Fuck it all," he stuttered. "I'm so fucking desperate..."

It was quiet for a while before I sat down on my bed, burying my tear-stained face in my hands. Jean approached me, wiping them away with the soft, slow, careful brushing of his fingertips on my skin, his seemingly innocent caresses igniting a fire deep within me, one that had never been lit before. I gulped down the lump in my throat, hoping to extinguish the raging desires that had suddenly flared up inside, and turned away.

**No**. I couldn't use Jean, not after how much I'd hurt him. I refused to accept his offer, to cave in to my carnal, sinful lust...

"Please," Jean begged. "I'll make it better. I'll make it so that you won't hurt anymore."

"No, no, I can't..."

"Lilianna..."

I made the mistake of looking into his pleading eyes, begging me to accept him, to take his offer. He was desperate, pained, lonely, just as I was. He pressed his lips onto mine, all of his feelings pouring out to me through his feverish kisses. I was powerless to resist, and caved in to the sinful, tainted feelings stirring up inside of me. We were just two friends caught in a bad situation, I told myself repeatedly. I kept on telling myself this as I began to return his expressions of love, my body going limp as I was gently laid onto the bed, Jean's body hovering over mine, straddling my hips. His lips kissed me tenderly, lovingly, giving me a sense of the warmth that I'd always longed for, that security that I'd always wanted to have...

* * *

After catching our breaths, I slowly embraced Jean, pressing my matted forehead against his heaving chest.

"I'm sorry, Jean," I mumbled against his skin.

"Don't apologize," he replied, holding me against him tightly.

"But, I took advantage of you! _I_-"

"No, you didn't." He smiled at me, caressing my face lovingly. "I'm happy that I could help you out, even if it was only a little bit."

"But..."

I closed my eyes then, falling asleep to the sound of Jean's steady breathing and the rhythmic thumping of his heart. I'd done the deed and lost myself to Jean Kirschtein, the night I had realized I had fallen in love with the Lance Corporal. Jean - he knew I held feelings for another man, yet he was still willing to give himself up to me, to make my pain disappear by making love to me. I felt _sick_, as if I'd betrayed him by doing so. Was I not using him yet again? Even if he'd told me I hadn't, I couldn't help but feel a gut-wrenching guilt.

**I hated myself.**

* * *

"Hey, morning," Connie greeted as I entered the dining hall with Jean at my side. "Jean, you're leaving today, aren't you?"

"Yeah." He nodded, and seeing my surprise, he explained the plan in short-hand to me. He was going to pose as Eren when entering Wall Sina, while the real one would be trying to lure out the Female Titan and capture her. It was another plan Armin had devised, but it fully relied on his being able to lure her underground, where her Titan-shifting abilities would be greatly inhibited. Jean wasn't allowed to reveal much more than that, but what I couldn't help but ponder about was the identity of this said 'Female Titan'.

I began to add things up. When turning into a Titan, one was able to retain some, if not a lot of their traits that they'd possessed as a human. That, I had learned from Hanji, and from what I remembered from that day in Trost, when I had witnessed a Titan Eren bashing in the faces of every Titan that managed to enter his radar. Though his hair was much longer, he still, somehow, resembled his human appearance. With this being said, it was safe to say that the blonde-haired, evil-eyed Titan I had heard about had to appear remotely similar to her human self. If only I had seen her myself, I would have been able to confirm the conjecture that had me feeling uneasy.

Who did I think it was? The perpetrator was most likely either a civilian residing within Wall Sina, or a member of the Military Police stationed in the district that they would be passing through. The person was likely highly-skilled, intelligent, and possessing at the very least knowledge of Eren's abilities, one of which served as motive for her to attempt to kidnap him and merciless murder tons of people in the process. More likely than not, they were there on the expedition of Trost, witnessing first-hand Eren's strange powers which were much like her own. It was highly probable that we knew her, and she us. And I could think of only one name since the beginning... _Annie Leonhart_. It could be her, and only her.

"You look like you just figured something out," Connie commented. "W-who do you think it is, Lilianna?"

I hastily shook my head. "No, I think it'd be better if I kept my mouth shut this time. But, it gets me thinking; just how many of people like Eren exist?"

"That's what we hope to find out," Jean commented nervously, just as fearful as I was. Chances were, there were more Titan-shifters hiding amongst us. The only thing was, who were they, and what was their goal? I thought of the Colossal Titan, whose eye I'd met before being crushed under the weight of a stone slab. Was that a human? A human who knocked in the wall with the goal to destroy mankind?

I wanted to puke.


	10. Chapter 10

[Author's Note: Hello my lovelies, here is chapter 10! ^^ By the way, since I've been editing this fanfic a little as I go through, in the process I've also removed the mature scene from chapter 9. However, if you did want to read it, and this fanfic on my personal webpage, which currently contains my two SNK fanfics. n_n Please check it out! It's up to date with this chapter! The other chapters have yet to be edited and whatnot.( ej-fanfiction . weebly . com )Stop by and take a look if you want~

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Ten: Pain

(Warnings: Strong language, violence, suggestive themes, the usual.)

As Connie, Jean and I ate silently, troubles darkening our moods, Lance Corporal Levi entered the scene wearing something different than his usual uniformed attire - a dark coat and pants, with a white buttoned shirt underneath. I made haste to avoid his gaze, turning my face towards Jean, who was seated by my side. Jean lifted his head, noticing the man who had suddenly appeared in the room.

"Kriger, Kirschtein - I need to speak to the both of you," he spoke sternly, then walked towards the door without another word.

"Huh? Why's he calling the two of you out? I get Jean, but you too, Lilianna?" Connie asked, baffled.

"I don't know why, but we're about to find out," I mused as we followed after him. The Lance Corporal was waiting outside, his arms crossed as he leaned solemnly against the wall. "Sir?"

"I'm sure you two know about what state we're currently in right now. Kriger, I'm leaving the 104th Squad to you while Kirschtein tags along with us to the capital," he informed. "Mike, Nanaba, Gelger, and a few other officers will remain with you too, but you're going to be the one in charge of keeping the order amongst the rest of the cadets. Understood?"

"Yes, sir. I'll do my best."

"Kirschtein, Erwin is waiting right now by the stables. We're leaving in twenty minutes, so hurry up and go," Levi ordered. Jean nodded his head, his eyes lingering hesitatingly on me before he shuffled away, leaving me alone with Levi.

"If there's nothing else, I'd like to return to breakfast," I spoke calmly, unable to directly meet his gaze.

To my surprise, he did not immediately dismiss me. "How is your shoulder?"

"What?"

"I asked you about how your shoulder was feeling," he reiterated, his expression unchanged.

"Better, I guess, but-" I grimaced when an untimely pain shot up my aforementioned arm, Levi catching me before I could stumble over.

"It doesn't seem like it's okay," he replied. Suddenly, his eyes fixated on something on the side of my neck, his hand pushing aside my hair and seeing the darkening bruise on my pale flesh. I casually covered the sole remnant of the tryst between Jean and I with high hopes he would not sense the fear that was causing my hair to rise on end. His mood made a turn for the worst as glared at me in hostility, his grip on my arm tightening.

"Who did that to you?" he demanded angrily.

"I-it's a mosquito bite."

"I'm not buying that bullshit," he growled. "Who touched you?"

Suddenly imbued with anger, I shook him off of me, returning his hostile look with an ice cold one of my own. "Why does it matter to you what I do with anybody else? It isn't anyone's business but mine what I do with my time."

Completely overlooking my harsh comeback, his eyes narrowed suspiciously at me. "Was it Kirschtein?" My blood ran cold as he stared at me with a frightening apathy. "I thought I told you not to lie to me, Lilianna."

My heart skipped a beat.

"So you're saying that you were lying to my face last night, am I correct?"

"Lying about what? I did_ not_ say anything that was a lie, so don't accuse me of that."

"I see."

By the time I had spun around, Levi was already gone.

* * *

I returned to my seat inside, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, and Bertholdt turning simultaneously to look at me. Puzzling over the Lance Corporal's departing words, I failed to notice that everyone was staring at me as I sat down between Bertholdt and Sasha. The brow on the Corporal's face had been severe and steep, his lips curled up in an obvious scowl and his eyes dark and unreadable when he had realized what had happened between Jean and I. He had worn such a cold countenance, colder and harsher than I had ever seen before. Was he disgusted with me to such an extent?

"Are you and Jean dating?" Reiner suddenly asked, jerking me from my pondering.

"What?"

"Are you and Jean dating?" he repeated. "You two have been so close recently but nobody's said anything about it. I'm beginning to think that something's a little different between you two."

I immediately stared at him in contempt. Who did he think he was, meddling in affairs that clearly didn't have anything to do with him? The brazen disposition of the man made my blood simmer with indignation.

"_No_, we're not. So keep your stupid mouth closed, will you?"

"Okay, okay, sheesh," he backed off into submission, dropping the subject.

"You sure got pretty defensive about it," Ymir commented once an uncomfortable silence began to settle in. "Makes me wonder if your words are trustworthy or not."

"_Ymir_!" Krista cried in protest.

"Besides, weren't you two rooming together last night? That's just asking for something to happen," Ymir smirked. "So? Did anything... _y'know_, happen?"

"Even if something did, what makes you think she'd tell you?" Reiner inquired. "She never tells us anything."

"What do you mean by 'something', Ymir?" Sasha questioned innocently.

"Sex," Ymir bluntly spoke.

"S-s-_sex_?!" Connie, Sasha, and Bertholdt exclaimed, blushing wildly. They were so innocent that they were embarrassed just by thinking of the word. I downed my glass of juice, smiling amiably at the tanned, freckled girl.

"You're real funny if you think that I'd ever involve myself with someone like him," I scoffed. "Take your perverted fantasies elsewhere."

"'Fantasies', you say," she challenged. She knew something - I could it in her eyes, shining brightly as if she had in her very hands a weapon that had the potential to counter everything I said. Vigilant and comporting myself with much care, I retained my apathetic disposition as she moved the hair away from my shoulders. "Then why do you have that hickey on your neck?"

My hand instinctively flew up to conceal the mark Jean had made on me, trying my best not to make it seem obvious how much she was ruffling my feathers. Clandestine in nature, our rendezvous behind closed doors was nothing of the sort I wished for others to have knowledge about. However, with such an obvious bruise growing on my neck, even an expertly plotted plan could not do much. Cursing Jean for landing me in such a ridiculous predicament, I glowered spitefully at the freckled girl as all eyes landed on me. I refused to submit to the ongoing pressure of my situation and scoffed.

"So, it's true then?" Reiner queried.

"No, and that's my final answer. So drop it," I ordered. "She's clearly just seeing things."

"Move your hand then," Connie said. "If it isn't true, we can see for ourselves."

Oh, what an insolent fool he was! He should have supported me, easing me out of the tense waters, but instead, he had pushed me farther out into the sea. My vehemence showed on my features as I hesitated for a moment, then reluctantly drew my hand away, revealing the love bite on the side of my neck. He and Sasha's eyes popped out of their heads as they shouted aloud. I remained calm and indifferent, shoving a piece of food into my mouth and biting down. Should I make an excuse? Or conceal it by other means?

I thought back to the previous night - Levi had rejected me, imploring upon me a harsh, distasteful gaze when I'd let it carelessly slip out that I'd fallen in love with him and owed him my life for everything he had done for me. I had then left the room, heartbroken, and Jean had comforted me at my worst time when I was having another psychological breakdown, and somehow, we ended up doing the worst thing we possibly could. It was in the heat of the moment and I didn't plan on it happening again. But did I regret my decision? Not entirely.

There was probably some other way it could have been avoided, but we couldn't go back in time and change what had already been done. Besides, since that night, I began to realize something - that Jean Kirschtein was one who truly, genuinely cared about me and understood me like none other. That distinguished him from the rest - that set him apart from those others whose thoughts and intentions were questionable.

Jean entered the room at that moment and sat down next to me, slapping me casually in the back, as he did to Connie. "Yo, so what did the Corporal say to you?"

Unbeknownst to him, our little tryst was now being suspected by everyone seated there. They stared at him in silence, eyes narrowed and lips curled in deep thought as they puzzled over the enigma of my words and facial features. It wasn't as if I were an open book, easy to read - I had long ago built walls that would hide me, protect my from the violation of the probing gazes of others. It was all still, tensely so, that is, until Eren spoke up.

"Jean, why'd you do that?" he shrilly demanded.

"Do what?"

"Hit her on the back. Don't you remember, she's injured? She can hardly move as is, much less take a hit in the back like that. Squad Leader Hanji told me she's unable to exert any force or be able to handle anything like that, so stop being such a jerk," Eren berated. "Can't you see how much the fighting impacted her physical condition?"

I raised my head as his commentary. Was Eren... was Eren rising to my defense?

"Oh, right, sorry, I forgot about that," Jean swiftly apologized, meekly rubbing the back of his head.

"You better be," I snapped. "I'm bruised and cut all over, and my arm is hurting like a bitch, I don't need you making it worse."

"Sorry! _Geez_..."

"Squad Leader Hanji said to go see her about your bruising. Matthew must've grabbed your neck pretty hard yesterday when he tried to kill you," Eren continued.

"He choked you? You didn't tell us that!" Connie exclaimed, completely forgetting about his suspicions.

"I didn't? I guess I forgot or something," I shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway."

"Wait, what?" Reiner inquired. "What about Matthew trying to kill you?"

"I never heard anything about this..." Krista mumbled.

"Th-that's because it doesn't matter anymore. Let's just drop it, Lilianna is going to get mad if you keep talking about it..." Bertholdt advised, scratching the side of his head nervously.

"I still think you're just putting on an act," Ymir commented. "Am I right?"

"No, you're not," Eren remarked. "Jean is such a stupid horse face, Lilianna hardly wants to talk to him, much less allow him to touch her."

"That's true..." Ymir mused, though a hint of suspicion still swirled about in her eyes.

"Horse face? Now you're just going too far!" Jean argued, standing up. A conflict shortly ensued, distracting everyone and completely changing the topic. I sighed in relief, barely able to escape had it not been for Eren stepping in to defend me. I resolved to thank him properly later and kept silent the rest of breakfast.

* * *

Right before the elite team could depart for Wall Sina and the King's Palace, I set out in search of the Lance Corporal. It would be quite some time until I saw him again, so even with what happened last night and earlier this morning, I still wanted to speak to him. I spotted him standing by his horse, waiting to leave, and trotted over to him, my shoulder hurting with each bounce. I clutched my arm painfully, palliating the dull ache as I reached my destination. He looked at me with slight annoyance, seeming more standoffish than he normally was.

"What is it, Kriger?"

I glanced up at him. What had I come to tell him, anyway? It had just been an impulse that had brought me before him and I had no idea what I had come here to say. Unprepared, I quickly spoke the first thing that happened to spring to mind.

"Good luck, sir," I said, uncertain as to how he would take my well wishing. He simply nodded, expecting that I would leave after that, but I didn't. Common sense told me that I should but my heart told me that I should stay and speak to him. The only thing was - about what?

"You still have more to say? Say it," he said without looking at me.

"Levi, I... Jean and I don't have anything special about our relationship. I don't love h-"

"Lilianna!" a voice interrupted rudely. Whipping around, I saw it was Erwin Smith who had called me out. The tall, blond, severe man loomed above me as I stared up at him with restrained spite. "I haven't seen you in quite some time. How are you?"

I managed a smile. "I'm fine. I'll take my leave now, if you'll excuse me..."

"Wait," he stated. "I was wondering if you would like to tag along with us to the capital today. We could use a backup soldier in case something goes wrong."

Levi was incredulous. "Where did this come from, Erwin?"

"Actually, I object to that," Mike said, appearing with two senior officers, Nanaba and Gelger, at his sides. "We need Kriger to stay behind."

"Besides, she's injured as is, just leave her behind with the others. It'll just cause more unnecessary trouble for us," Levi dismissed me coldly. "I say she stay behind with Mike. We can't bring a troublesome brat along with us if she can't even fight."

So now I was troublesome?

I kept my head low, gritting my teeth in anger. Without waiting to hear what the Commander had to say about that, I suddenly walked away from the scene, removing myself from the conversation. Nobody called out to me to stop so I kept going until I was completely out of their sight. I couldn't bear to listen to what else the Lance Corporal had to say about me, knowing none of it had to be good. Forlorn, I collapsed against the horse stables, sliding down and clutching my knees to my chest as I buried my face in my arms. How did it come to this? Everything seemed to be going so smoothly, that was, until I became romantically involved. Did I love him so much, that my heart was physically hurt by his harsh insults? I felt hot tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I tried my best to hold my tears back. I promised myself that there was no more crying to be done, that I would not succumb to my emotions. So why did it pain me so?

"Huh? Lilianna?" a female voice hollered. I looked up, and through my misty vision I saw Hanji approaching me. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I said. "My stomach is just hurting."

"But you've barely just finished breakfast a few minutes ago," she said and knelt down next to me. Her thick-rimmed glasses glinted in the sunlight as she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Tell me."

"Really, it's nothing. My head is starting to hurt now, too," I replied, turning away. Then, my lips parted as my voice came out as nearly a whisper. "So does my chest."

"Is it Levi?" she inquired softly. "It is, isn't it? That meanie. He never knows how to express himself properly. I'll make sure that he gets a good, old-fashioned lecture from me later on!"

"It's _not_ him," I insisted indignantly. "How many times have I told you, I don't care for useless things like that! So stop insisting that I like him, or of him liking me, and leave me alone already."

She was silent for a second, mulling over my crude remarks before picking up a filth-covered rock from the ground and rolling it around in her palm. She seated herself beside me, unfazed by my sudden harshness, and held her hand out for my speculation.

"Levi is just like this rock - rough on the outside, with sharp edges that cut you whenever you touch 'em. But if you think about it," she preached, rubbing her finger over the stone. The polished, luminous stone glowed valiantly as Hanji placed it in my hand, "underneath the dirt and hard outside is just a plain old rock underneath. Levi may seem mean, sometimes even heartless, but under all of that, he's human, just like us."

"Hanji, I..."

She shushed me.

"I know you like him, Lilianna. I could see it in your eyes whenever you two would talk. You might not realize it now, but I know love when I see it. Just give it a little time, things will naturally sort themselves out. Even if things look bad now, all you can do is sit back, smile, and hope for the best. I think that's what being strong is all about. Maybe you think otherwise, or maybe I'm just rambling, but don't give up! Fight until the end, Lilianna!" she encouraged me, grasping my hands firmly. "I believe in you, and I believe in Levi. Just... give it some time, okay? I think even he's a little out of sorts lately, so don't feel like you're the only one he's yelled at."

The red-haired, optimistic woman laughed, then pat me gently on my backside. "Remember what I told you, okay? Levi is only human. He isn't as perfect as everything thinks he is. I sometimes think that he feels way more than the rest of us do, he just keeps it all to himself." She stood up, the sun beaming down upon her youthful, pretty features. Sighing aloud, she shielded her eyes from the bright light and gazed out and around us, the expanse of the land around us seeming more lively than ever before. "He's a little selfish, isn't he? Not sharing any of his feelings with the rest of us. Guess it can't really be helped, right?"

Not waiting for a response, she began to walk away, back in the direction she'd come from. "Don't stress too much, 'kay? You don't want your pretty face to get wrinkles this early, do you?"

She disappeared before I could even speak a word. Pondering over what she had to say, my palm unraveled itself, revealing the beautiful, glossy stone hidden inside.

* * *

"Jean!" I called as I reached him. They were taking off so I went to bid Jean a goodbye. He whipped around at the sound of my voice, eyes wide and mouth agape.

"Lilianna?"

"Hey, sorry about hanging you out to dry earlier, they were getting nosy so I had no choice," I apologized. "You've got to thank Eren later, too. If it weren't for them, everyone would've known by now."

"Huh? O-oh, it's fine," he dismissed, rubbing the back of his head as a rosy hue sprang to his cheeks. "I'm sorry, too, for getting you into this mess. If I hadn't..."

I pat him on the shoulder, chuckling. "Don't worry about it. Besides, I realized something last night."

"What?"

"That... you've been my friend all along."

Stunned, he took a while to respond to me. A shy, joyful smile spread its wings across his face as he laughed. "_Finally_. Finally you said it."

"Good luck, don't be too eager to die," I joked.

He chuckled. "I won't die, don't worry."

* * *

Five years ago, around this time of year, I had been strolling about the marketplace, Aaron close to my side as we viewed the endless stands of fruits, vegetables, the multifarious display of reds, yellows, and oranges instantly captivating the attention of my young, energetic little brother. Tugging me along, he pointed excitedly out at the vast varieties of produce for sale. Mom and Dad, seeing as Aaron's health had been in better conditions as of recent, had caved in to the boy's pleas to go outside and so I had brought him along with me into the city. I was headed to the flower shop Mrs. Miller, an aged, kind widow who had known my mother for years, owned, and decided to show Aaron around the bazaar.

On spring days such as these, I had make my way up there in my bright yellow sun dress, my hair up in the two buns and bouncing with energy every step I took. She'd usually give me easy tasks to do, such as watering the flowers, or wrapping them up for customers, but on certain days of the month I'd follow her out to the fields and we'd pick out flowers for her shop. It was a quaint, yet local hot spot, in which many of the customers we had had been frequenting the shop for years.

Old Mrs. Miller was the sweetest woman around, with high, rosy cheeks that radiated with kindness and wrinkled hands that emanated nothing but warmth. She was known for her magnanimous nature and her desire to give and be charitable without expecting money for it. Not a soul there was who didn't adore her - myself included. I loved her, for she were like a grandmother to not only me but to all of the young children in town.

She'd only met Aaron twice before, so I was certain that she would be thrilled to see him. Aaron himself seemed ebullient, gaiety bursting through his frail little body as he oohed and ahhed at all of the marvelous sights. Shopkeepers who recognized us greeted us with smiles, offering us free food and striking up casual conversations. Aaron, being as bold and adventurous as he was, tried everything they offered him, and ended up stuffed before we had even reached the midpoint of the marketplace. He'd clutched his now round, bulging stomach, sighing in content and grinning at me with that silly, wide grin of his. I'd pinched his cheek then, teasing him for his perpetual gluttony. I often playfully called him a glutton, a name in which he had proudly owned up to, claiming the title for himself as if he were a soldier receiving the highest honors.

Aaron had tugged at my shirt, his round, vibrant eyes wide in amazement when he caught sight of something up ahead. Crying aloud in awe, I realized that a few members of the Scouting Legion were crossing through on foot, their forest green, signature cloaks flapping dauntlessly in the wind. Aaron had seized my hand tightly in his cold ones, begging me to allow him to move closer for a better look. I had complied, and holding his hand, I had walked with him over to the commuting band of Scouts, his eyes full of life and trembling with his sheer excitement. His heroes were right there before him, sporting their full uniform with their swords sheathed at their sides and chatting amongst one another as townspeople gathered at the streetside to watch them walk by, marveling at the rare sight.

As they marched past, my brother called out boldly to them, proud and eager to jump at the opportunity presented before him. The men had turned at the piping up of such a powerful, enthusiastic voice and laid eyes on the small figure of Aaron only up to my shoulder at the time. He'd openly praised their efforts to uncover the truth about Titans and their heroism, offering up nothing but extol as the men stood there, wondering how such a strong, commanding voice had belonged to such a pale, weak-bodied boy hardly less than half of their size. Aaron, undaunted by all of the eyes fixed upon him, managed to capture the full attention of the Scouts, who were moved to tears by his powerful words.

He concluded by saluting them, slamming his right fist over his heart as a sign of high respect. They saluted him back, tears running down their faces as they thanked him, for he had been the only one who'd spoke to them that way while everyone else had scolded them for their failures. They left then, my brother watching them leave with unprecedented admiration and reverence shining brightly in his face. He wanted to become a Scout one day, he reminded me. He wished to help others, to fight back against the Titans who had forced us into annexation within these walls, to bring victory to humanity's front door once more. Ambitious Aaron had always held that distant dream close to his heart, hoping one day, his illness would disappear, allowing him to pursue his lifelong dream.

If I were to given the opportunity, I would trade myself with Aaron and supplant myself in the death seat instead. I had no purpose, no great goal in life like other than to marry, have children, grow old, and die. Thus was the fate of all of humanity, was it not? To be born, then to walk the path of every other human and perish having not accomplished anything. I longed to be like Aaron, to be strong and to make use of my life. It felt as if I were encased in a glass chamber, walled in by unbreakable walls on every side of me. No matter how hard I pounded on them, my voice, my cries, my shouts would be muffled and forever trapped within.

For a prolonged epoch of time, I had have these thoughts lingering in the back of my mind like a storm cloud, following me wherever I went and having a penchant for striking at the most unexpected times. I would puzzle over it in bed, late at night, while Aaron slept soundly, askance on the other side of the room, dreaming sweet dreams of becoming a Scout. It plagued me for a long time, all up until That Day.

That Day, I had reached the threshold of my revelations - I would usurp myself from who I once was, and assume the embodiment of fire, of passion, of vengeance, of hate. My coup against my past self had been successful, and a new me, the me who was living and breathing now, had been borne from the deepest vats of the land of fire.

Erwin Smith had sent me there, his face, his heartless words, the brutality of his filthy soul convoying me down into the sea of flames lapping up at my feet, chaining me to my purpose. I was given the task of removing Erwin from existence and sending him into the burning abyss down below. It was only then when I could be liberated and free myself from the torturous taunting of the demons of benevolence. I could be purified after executing my mission, thus allowing my family and the unnamed spirits of the fallen to breathe a sigh of relief, at last being able to rest in peace.

Oh, how I missed Aaron's ridiculous smile!

I missed his undaunted adventurous spirit, his precocious nature, that distinct laugh of his that closely resembled that of my father's. I longed to return to Shiganshina and those innocent, unmarred days of my childhood, where I had nothing to solicit myself over but the changing of the seasons! It was all distant, as if I had only seen that world in my dreams. It was as if I'd divulged everything about myself from a book, a book that I'd religiously read long ago, but had not touched in years. That was how segregated I was from that utopia of my youth.

I sharpened my dagger on a stone block in my bedroom, revitalizing the dull blade and making it anew. It was only a matter of time before I'd strike - I'd get him when he was least expecting of it, when he was in his most vulnerable state of slumber. Perhaps I'd creep upon his bed in a silken sleeping gown, gently pulling the blankets off of him and running my hand up his leg; to wake him, then seduce him with my vivacious charms and my body. As a man, I was sure even he had his own needs as well and would yield to me like a dog to its master. Then, when he was least expecting it, I would unsheathe my dagger, plunging it deep into his chest. Or maybe I could go at it another way, in which I'd blindfold him and tie him down to a chair, demanding him of my unanswered questions.

The prospect was exciting and I threw my dagger across the room, landing a perfect hit upon the adjoining wall, the wall separating me from the vacant office of the Commander.

Would he pitifully beg for his life, promising to repent for his sins? _No_. He was not the man to plead nor beg. He would not reduce himself to a beggar, no matter if I was the one holding the blade or not. He was much too proud to lower his head and ask me for forgiveness; he would fight me with his wits, claiming he had no choice, no say in the matter of whether my family died or not! I would much rather had them die and instant death by the falling stones than to die a slow, painful death, in which their last moments were full of anguish, of the demons of fear.

At that instant in the solitude I pictured the face of Levi, my savior, the man who had rescued me from hell, and liberated my brother at his last moments. The man had stolen my heart, I realized, since the very beginning. I had had deep feelings for him since the start, hadn't I? The sappy, romantic nature of it all disgusted me. I wanted nothing more than to vomit and hope that puking would somehow alleviate the pain shrouding my heart. I wished to torture myself for permitting myself to _feel_ - at least, the pain would be a distraction from this tumultuous torment.

A knock on my door disrupted my thoughts. I walked over to the door, opening it to see that it was Ymir, and only Ymir. In the nearly three years that I had known her, never once had I spoken to her one-on-one; the only times we spoke were in the presences of the others, never individually. I never trusted her very much, because it was impossible to know what kind of things were running through her mind. No matter how many times I had attempted to read her, I always failed to be victorious. I didn't know a thing about her, and that in itself was enough for me to avoid a situation such as this, where it was only the two of us, isolated from the rest of society.

I held the door, peering out at her distastefully. "What is it, Ymir?" I demanded, challenging her with a smile. "Krista isn't here, if that's who you're looking for."

She smiled back. "I'm not looking for Krista, I'm looking for you. You going to let me in, or what?"

I moved from the doorway, allowing her to enter the room. Closing the door after her, I crossed my arms and invited her to sit on the chair at the desk. She scanned the room, seeing Jean and I's made beds, my bag lying at the foot of my bed, how the curtains were tightly drawn shut. I paced over to the window, pushing it open and allowing a draft of fresh air to filter into the stuffy room. Ymir crossed one leg over the other as she craned her head up to gaze at me.

"If you're wondering, I'm not interested in women," I spoke.

She scoffed. "I'm not interested in women like you, don't flatter yourself like that. The only girl I'll love is my Krista so quit telling yourself everyone likes you."

"Hmph, really? So what are you here for, then?" I inquired. "You never talk to me."

"I could say the same," she replied lazily. "I just came by to see how you are. After all, your arm is hurting, right?"

Narrowing my eyes at her, I slowly inclined my head. "But you're not really here just to check up on me, are you? What do you really want?"

"I overheard you speaking with the Lance Corporal last night," she spoke. "It wasn't on purpose or anything, I happened to pass by when I was looking for Krista's room and saw you go inside. Of course, I couldn't miss the opportunity of a lifetime, so I tried to listen on you two talking. I couldn't hear much, but I did catch this – that he's the one who saved you back then and that you love him; if you thought you could hide your secret forever, you're wrong. I'm not a fool, I can tell from experience what love looks like. And you love him."

"You know _nothing_," I growled, enraged by her nosiness. "Don't you spew such nonsense."

"I heard it all, don't try to deny it," she retorted. "You only look stupid if you're already caught in the act. Just admit it, Lilianna, and I'll tell you a little secret."

"_I refuse_."

"Then, I guess you don't want to know what happened after you left," Ymir sighed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "This was all for nothing, then. Poor you, I was sure you wanted to know how he reacted after you ran out like that, but I guess you didn't like him as much as you said you did…"

Ymir rose from her seat, heading straight for the door. Hesitating for a moment, I bit my lip cursing myself before calling out to her. "Wait—I want to know."

"Why? I thought you didn't like the man," she mocked, clearly enjoying herself.

"Shut up and tell me already, Ymir," I threatened, glowering at her. "Stop beating around the bush."

Knowing she had me in her grasp, she smirked, relishing in her temporarily elevated status. She truly enjoyed mocking me in this manner, holding the facts in her hands but well-aware of the fact that I would blatantly deny everything she threw at me, no matter how much evidence she were to present to me. I absolutely refused to admit that she was right, and because of this, I simply found a less direct way of confirming her claims. I was certain that she was howling in triumph, praising herself for managing to reduce me to such a bare, vulnerable state.

"You want to know what that shortie did?" she asked. "He went after you, mumbling about how much of a 'half-witted idiot' that you were. For a 160-centimeter-tall man, he sure looked pretty panicked when he went limping off in the direction you went. I didn't stay long after that, but he'd left his door wide open. He must've been in a rush to be so careless. Maybe he was thinking of something important."

With that, she left the room.


	11. Chapter 11

[Author's Note: Wow, I'm at 32 follows! :o I never would have anticipated I'd actually pass 10, to be honest. But here's chapter 11! :D By the way, this fanfic and my other fanfics posted here! ( ej-fanfiction . weebly . com )]

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Back Home

(Warnings: Strong language, violence, etc. THIS IS WHERE MANGA SPOILERS START BTW.)

Reiner and Bertholdt were playing chess when I entered the room. All of the 104th Squad were assembled here, waiting for some kind of instructions from the senior officers. Most people merely sat there, quietly murmuring amongst themselves as they awaited orders from the higher ups. The air in the room was tense, so tense that I felt I could shatter it by simply breathing. Perhaps it was because I was hardly as anxious as the rest that people stared at me as I passed by.

I had too many other things on my mind to really worry about the reason why we were all ordered to congregate here, though it was unusual that we were ordered to dress in casual attire while the other officers were in full-gear, as if they were prepared for some kind of attack of sorts. Perhaps they had done so because they were suspicious of us, because of the sudden emergence of the knowledge of Titan-Shifters and the fact that two of them had been in our squad - at least, so far. Their subterfuge was meant to confine us all to this room because they were searching for something.

But what? Did they really believe that there were Titan-Shifters in our batch?

I scanned the faces of those around me, wondering if any of these people I had grown to trust had been Titans all along. The anxiety and ambiguity of it all alarmed me. For all I knew, maybe even the meek and reserved Bertholdt was a Titan.

Placidly seating myself beside the aforementioned and Connie, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back against the hard wooden chair. While Eren, Mikasa, Armin and Jean had tagged along with Commander Erwin and the Lance Corporal to the innermost wall, the rest of us had been left behind to mull about and question what we would be doing while we idly waited around for an update. Time had been progressing painfully slowly, with nothing to do but sit around, eat, and talk. But even then, there was nothing much to talk about, and eventually you became full off of all the food thrust at you.

"You're quieter today, Lilianna," Reiner pointed out, after observing me for a few moments. I shrugged my shoulders, hardly lifting up my gaze to look up at him.

"Isn't everyone?"

Connie sighed, a jaded expression in his eyes. "Y'know, my village isn't too far from this place."

Sasha, who had her elbow propped up on the table, nodded her head. "Mine too."

"We've come all the way to the Southern Districts of Wall Rose, but we're not even allowed to go visit them," Connie sighed, staring blankly out the window at the endless green outside. "It's not like we have anything better to do, anyway. We just keep spending day after day sitting around, with nothing to do. Well, damn, maybe we should just sneak out at night."

"If you go, I'm coming with you," I suddenly joined the conversation, surprising them. "I'll rally up Queen and your horses, and we'll go. If it's close, I think we can make it without getting caught."

"Really?" they both exclaimed in unison, as if they were twins. "You'd help us?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind me tagging along with you," I said, smiling weakly. "If it's too much trouble, I'll just stay behind and make sure nobody finds out."

"_No_, no, you should come with us," Connie insisted. "My family would probably like you a lot."

"Would they?"

"My dad would probably like you more than he likes me," Sasha interjected. "I was told not to come back until I became a decent human being, you know."

"And I was told there was no way a midget like me could become a soldier. But look at me now - I'm a genius and I've become a real soldier. I even scored in the top ten trainees of our year." Connie laughed at the bitter irony of it all. "That's why they'd all stare at me if I came back. I'd like to go back there, even if only for a short amount of time. At least, while I'm still alive."

There was a brief pause before Reiner, who was listening in, voiced his opinion. He addressed the same concerns I had had at the start - of the orders we were given to be out of uniform, to not be able to wear our uniform or to train. It was peculiar considering the fact that we were soldiers and that the superior officers themselves sported the full gear, as if ready to fight at a moment's notice. It was even stranger once you threw in the fact that we were within Wall Rose not in the outside world. It wasn't like there would be Titans roaming around, so what was the true motive of the superiors? There was no doubt that they were investigating us as we spoke.

I glanced around the room at all the different faces and wondered - what if there was a Titan in the midst of this very room? Perhaps, even someone I knew or spoke to on a regular basis? What if those beside me, the ones I entrusted myself to, were Titans themselves?

I nervously darted my eyes back and forth from face to face, the equivocal nature of it all enough to make a bead of sweat collect at the side of my head. I began to conduct a series of tests on my own, assessing those around me who I had just recently began to trust. Now, that certainty in my friends was rapidly eroding away. If someone like Annie was a Titan, then it was more than likely someone else I knew was, too. I began to assess everyone around me.

_Krista_? With her bright blonde hair, and big, blue eyes, she was much too innocent, too soft to be one. Then again, anything was possible. There was a possibility that that seemingly angelic, philanthropic outer demeanor of hers was all just for show and that she was masking her true, Titan self underneath.

_Ymir_? I had never trusted Ymir, with her apathetic disposition and her reluctance to take part in anything unless she saw that she could reap some kind of benefit from it. I strongly disliked her but I didn't think she could be a Titan. She was clandestine in nature, with nobody knowing a single ounce of information about her but Krista, and I was dubious that even she knew much about her friend. Could she be a Titan? The prospect wasn't entirely dismissible, but if she wasn't one, I wouldn't be surprised, either.

_Jean_? He wasn't here, nor was he likely to be one. I quickly crossed him off of my mental list and moved on to the next person that popped into my head.

_Connie_? There was no way he could be a Titan. He was far too dense, too gullible. He cringed at the sight of a Titan every time and lacked what I was searching for, whatever that was. He just didn't fit the profile of a possible Titan-Shifter, no matter how much I thought about it. He, along with Jean, weren't in my radar and pushed off to the side as I contemplated over the remaining handful of Scouts.

_Sasha_? She joined Jean and Connie at the side. She was intuitive at times, but there was absolutely no way she was a Titan.

_Reiner_? I glanced askance at him, with his bulging, muscular arms over his chest and seeming to be in just deep of thought as I was. He was a good soldier - brave, able, efficient, and with a strong sense of duty. He acted the part of the big brother in our circle, always willing to help others although to me, he was a nuisance. He enjoyed to pick at me and irritate me like none other, but it would be a lie to say I disliked him. I doubted that he was a Titan, but I couldn't say for certain as my judgment was on shakier foundation on him than on Connie, Sasha, and Jean.

_Bertholdt_? He was an excellent fighter, just like Reiner was, but he lacked the strong will that truly made up a soldier. He never spoke much unless someone addressed him and always seemed to be glancing back and forth, as if someone were watching him. He was untrustworthy in my eyes, particularly because he was so withdrawn and I knew less of him than I did Ymir or Krista. He was so willing to help me hide my deadly fight with Matthew that it made me wonder what other things he knew. He was a kind person who cared deeply about his friends, but I just couldn't dismiss him as a possible Titan. There was just something amiss about him - perhaps it was only because I knew so little about him that it put him at the top of my list.

Bertholdt must have noticed me looking at him, because he nervously diverted his gaze from me, scratching the side of his head and completely avoiding my probing eyes. I began to feel less and less sure of my suspicions as time elapsed. He was much too weak-minded and reclusive to be a man-killing machine. I turned away and sifted through all of my mental notes. There was nobody that I was genuinely suspicious of. I ruled out three of them, but then again, it was never to say for sure who was a Titan and who wasn't. The truth would be revealed soon enough, whether or not I was prepared for it or not.

One thing I knew for certain was that I wasn't one, and that, I could say with confidence.

Sasha tiredly rested her head on the table, more bored than she had ever been in her life. I rubbed my sore arm, hoping to palliate the dull pain, when she suddenly sat up with a jolt, as if something had frightened her out of her daze.

"What the?!" she cried aloud, eyes wide in horror. "I hear a rumbling sound that sounds like heavy footsteps!"

"Huh?"

Everyone shot up in alarm, staring at the girl with tensed shoulders. Sasha was air-headed and doltish, but she possessed an uncanny ability to notice things that nobody else did. Knowing this, everybody was on high alert as Reiner shot her a stern look.

"Sasha, if you're saying that there are Titans close by, then that means Wall Rose has been breached."

"What?" Connie demanded fearfully. "Y-you're kidding, right? Don't joke around like that, it's not funny!"

"Why would Sasha joke around about that?" I spat and rose to my feet. I quickly realized what kind of predicament we were in if Titans had truly shown up within the walls. "We're not even suited up for battle!"

As if on cue, Nanaba entered the room from outside through the window, alerting us of the dreaded news. "There's a vast number of Titans invading from the South, distance 500 meters. They're coming here. You don't even have the time to don your full combat attire. Get onto horses and evacuate the neighboring villages immediately. Is that clear?"

Connie, realizing the Titans were advancing from the direction his home village was from, froze in a mixture of shock and terror. "From the... South?"

I grabbed his shoulder, reassuring him. "Connie, let's go."

"Y-yeah..."

Despair returned back to strike, manifesting itself within Connie's features as Nanaba gave us futher instructions. "Get a move on! You won't be able to laze around if you're dead!"

In a widespread panic, everyone ran out of the room and out to the stables. Queen whinnied as I approached, offering herself out to be petted. I stroked her mane gently before leading her out, joining Connie and the others. The boy's face was as white as a sheet, his hands quaking with violent force as he struggled to get his horse ready. I helped him out, steadying his shaking figure with my warm hand.

"Lili... my village... those Titans are coming from the direction where my village is," he stammered. "What if they're-"

"No, don't say that," I sternly spoke, my voice coming out strained and uncertain. "We'll rescue them, and kill those Titans while we're at it. Don't you dare give up yet, Connie."

"B-but... my family, they're completely defenseless," he gulped. "And I was just talking about visiting them, too, but I guess it's too late now..."

"Get a hold of yourself," I said, grabbing him by the shoulders and jerking him back to reality. The expression he wore was the same one I had when Wall Maria had fallen and I realized my family was in danger. I understood the body-numbing, ice-cold fear that Connie was experiencing now and was determined to make sure that at the end of the day, I would have prevented him from the same pain I had gone through when I had lost my loved ones. I felt compelled to protect him from the trauma, and resolved in my heart to do whatever I can to save his village. "Connie, we're going to save your family, okay? But to do that, I need to know that you haven't given up hope yet."

That lost, frightened expression sprang into his eyes as he envisioned the worst scenarios possible. He struggled as I tried to soothe him, telling him that his family was waiting for him, ready to welcome him back as a full-fledged, courageous soldier as he valiantly returned to rescue them. With these thoughts, he was able to calm down a bit and mounted his horse as the two of us rode out to regroup with everybody else.

We would be splitting into four different squads - the North, South, East, and West, and we would all branch out in separate directions with the mission of spreading the message, rather than battling the incoming threat of Titans. Without our weapons, or our gear, we would easily die in battle, anyway. There was no way we could be victorious against things several times our size without any weapons to defend ourselves with. I had my dagger with me at all times, but that small knife would do nothing to a thick-skinned Titan except provoke them into killing me faster. I resolved to be at Connie's side and joined him in the South Team, which had the additional task of locating destroyed settlements and places.

"Is there anybody who is familiar with this area?" Mike asked, Sasha instantly raising her hand.

"I was born in a forest to the North of here! I know the terrain of the area well," Sasha responded. "Oh, and Connie, too... _Connie_?" She saw the panic in his face and went pale.

"My village is located south of here, in the direction the Titans are coming from," he said. "I can guide you to the nearby villages, but after that, please, I'd like to go back to my hometown. They've most likely passed through it, so I probably can't do anything anymore, but I absolutely have to return anyway..."

"Very well, you'll be in charge of guiding the South Squad," Mike nodded.

I glanced over at Sasha, who was shuddering like mad. "Sasha, it'll be alright. I'll take care of Connie, you can head towards your village."

"B-but it's dangerous," she stuttered. "You could join my team instead..."

"No, Sasha," I declined, and smiled at her. I reached over, patting her on the arm. "I'm not going to let Connie go through the same thing I did. I took this job not to run away, but to charge at danger head-first. I'm not afraid. Besides, they need more people on their team."

"Lilianna," she wailed, tears running down her face. "Take care of Connie, okay?"

I nodded. "_I will_."

The Titans reached the forest and on cue, we all split up, riding in different directions at top speed. I followed closely behind Connie, Bertholdt and Reiner not too far behind us. Without warning, the Titans emerging from the forest began to break out in runs, propelling themselves dead ahead at us. Horrified, everyone's apprehension only heightened, accelerating at a dangerously steep rate as the large-bodied creatures began to gain up on us. Our specifically-bred horses were the fastest ones on the planet, yet even they would soon be outrun by the Titans, with their long, quick legs and undaunted determination. My mind flashed back to the faces of my dying brother, my unconscious, bloodied mother, and my wheezing, suffering father. I saw the Titans lifting up my family from where they lie under the rubble, grinning wicked, devilish grins as they shoved them down into their mouth, reducing them into squirming, screaming, helpless victims of despair as they desperately attempted to cling onto their lives.

They were the true embodiment of evil, weren't they? Those Titans, with their grotesque features, killed mercilessly, spreading a widespread fear that resonated within the very soil beneath man's feet. They devoured humans without remorse, tearing apart innocent families just like mine, who wanted nothing more than to live in a world of innocence and peace, though artificial and temporary. Now, here they were again before me, pursuing me when I was weak and vulnerable, just like That Day five years ago.

The state of helplessness was agonizing, wasn't it? I felt like prey escaping from the ruthless predator, utterly defenseless and perpetually running through the capricious maze of life, hoping that a miracle would happen and that I would live to see the next day.

My heart pounding erratically in my chest, I pinched my eyes shut, shaking away the trauma and continuing on. I would need to be strong, both for Connie, and for the team. If I gave up now, who's to say the rest of them wouldn't, either? We were standing on shaky foundations, all connected by the chains of fate – if one person were to fall, they would bring everyone down with them, down into the endless abyss. I looked at Connie, at Reiner, at Bertholdt – they'd need me to be strong, wouldn't they? I couldn't drag everyone down with my feelings of dread, no matter how strong they were.

"So what if we're not armed, we can still make it and save everyone else," I said aloud. "We can do it. That's what we're here for, to ensure the survival of mankind…"

Clutching the reigns tightly in my hand, I urged Queen forward, passing by Squad Leader Mike, who had suddenly turned around and headed in the direction of the Titans, leaving the South Squad in charge of Gelger. I stared back in astonishment as the brave soldier plunged head-first into the danger, throwing his life on the line to protect the rest of us.

"Squad Leader Mike is acting as the bait?!"

"He's all alone against nine Titans! Th-that's too reckless… I'll go help!"

"I forbid you!" Gelger ordered. "We need people here as well. Believe in Mike! In terms of fighting prowess, he's second only to Lance Corporal Levi. He'll cut them up and join with us later, I'm sure of it!"

We continued on our trek, leaving Squad Leader Mike to deal with the immediate threats. As we galloped on, lead by Connie, who knew the area well, hundreds of thoughts plagued my mind. What kind of things was Connie thinking? Would Sasha be alright without us? What of Ymir and Krista, who'd joined the West Squad along with Nanaba? Had the messengers reached the four major cities yet, warning them of the Titans? What were Jean, Eren, MIkasa, and Armin doing now, as the dawn of the day we dreaded came down upon us? The Lance Corporal – Levi, what was he currently doing? Was he sitting around, completely unaware of the hell breaking loose here within Wall Rose? Would we survive the day, or die without anyone knowing?

Time seemed to inch by as we galloped through endless forests, the scenery around us nothing but faded images as we focused on moving forward. For hours, not a word was spoken, not even as our squad began to branch out whenever we came across another settlement. Nobody could speak – the terror and the fear of the unknown had seized us by our throats, forbidding us from it. All we could do was think, think, and _think_, something that would kill us if the Titans didn't.

Hours elapsed without us spotting a single Titan.

Up ahead, I could see what looked like the tops of houses staked up ahead. Connie suddenly picked up his pace, zooming dead ahead for the village, ignoring Reiner's cries of protest. Knowing we'd finally reached his hometown, I hurried to catch up with him, Queen directly behind Connie as we rode into the town. He came to a screeching halt at the threshold of the town, his horse rearing up and whinnying as he brought it to a sudden stop. Looking around frantically, eyes wide in desperation, he called out, announcing his arrival.

"You gotta be kidding me…" he muttered, seeing that the whole town was completely dead, not a sound coming from any of the destroyed homes. Roofs had been smashed in, trees snapped in half, rubble lying about all over – it was nostalgic, to observe something that so keenly resembled Shiganshina That Day, minus the horrified masses dashing around, screaming, pleading for help to come. A crippling horror possessed my body as Connie continued shouting, searching for any survivors. "Somebody… _anybody_! Isn't there anybody here?! It's me, Connie! I'm back!"

I followed silently after him as we advanced into the village, seeing more and more of the destruction. I couldn't bear to look at his face, knowing that when I did, I wouldn't be able to handle the body-numbing pain welling up inside of me, threatening to spill out. He suddenly changed directions, and began to pioneer his horse down another path.

"I gotta go check my house… Dad, Mom, Sunny, Martin…" he almost whispered as I tailed him. Queen recoiled in fright as we turned right into the large, smiling face of a Titan, who was lying in what remained of Connie's home. Connie just froze, completely overlooking the Titan as he stared in despair at what was once the place he had called his home. Reiner yanked his arm, ordering for him to fall back, but he simply stared up at the ruins, entirely immune to Reiner's commands.

"M-my home… It's my…"

After going through the town, looking for any survivors, I tied up Queen and allowed her to refuel on water and food. I surveyed the scene of destruction for myself, imagining how it had once been full of life, a younger Connie running around with his siblings, his two happy parents not too far behind them, laughing as they held one another's hands tightly. The blissful, innocent vision was shattered in an instant, revealing the devastation hiding behind it. What used to be warm, brightly-lit homes, lively bustling streets, and crowded taverns had been reduced to a scene of desolation. It was cold, dark, and empty, as if nobody had ever lived there at all.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I came across Connie, who was gathering torches from vacant homes. Calling out, I slowly approached him, unsure of what words to say to the grieving boy. At the sound of my voice, he lifted his head, his eyes red and tears streaming down his face.

"Hey," I greeted quietly. "How are you—"

The mourning boy suddenly embraced me, burying his face in my shoulder as he wept pitifully over the loss of not only his family, but the very place he was conceived and born and the place he had grown up in and lived in all of his life. What he had once called home now lie in tatters, including his very home, the place he dreamed of returning to, bringing all of his feats and accomplishments back to for his family and fellow villagers to marvel at. He wanted to show them how much he had changed over the last two years, to show them that even he had the spirit of a soldier inside of him, to prove to them that he wasn't just another lost cause, that he'd make them all proud.

Now, all of that was impossible. There was no village to welcome him back, to praise him for his bravery and to congratulate him, bringing him in with open arms. There was no family to come back to, to embrace him, to kiss him, to tell him how much they had missed him while he was gone. Connie Springer had lost everything.

"It's all gone, _everything_," he wept. "My family, my home, everything. I-I should have came earlier, if I did, I could've saved them all. What kind of soldier am I if I can't even save my own family? To think that just earlier, I was sitting back at the base, imagining how much people would stare and praise me for becoming a soldier, and showing them that I'm not a failure. It's kind of ironic isn't it? I'm still a failure, no matter how much of a genius that I try to convince myself that I am…"

My lips parted, but no words came out. What could I say to him? I really had no idea how to console anybody, to make their pain go away; I was more useless than he was. What kind of friend was I, that I couldn't even help him through his time of pain? Tears welled up in my eyes and I wept together with him, holding him close.

"Don't say that, you couldn't have done anything, nobody could have," I said. "It wasn't anybody's fault but the Titans, so don't you dare blame yourself, Connie."

"How did you cope with it? The pain, I mean," he muttered. "I never really thought about it until now... How'd you survive it, Lilianna? It feels like I'm dying from the inside out..."

"I survived because I knew they wouldn't want me to give up," I replied and held him close. My heart was aching from seeing Connie so miserable, so hopeless. All I could do for him was stay there at his side, offering as much solace as I could. We regrouped with the others a short while later, Bertholdt stopping to speak to me privately.

"Did anyone survive?" he inquired.

I shook my head dejectedly. "Not a single one. But one thing has been bothering me the whole time we were here," I mused. "I looked around, and there wasn't any sign of blood, or any body parts or anything. Isn't that strange, Bertholdt? If those Titan bastards had infiltrated the city and ate everyone, wouldn't there be some kind of trace left behind? And that Titan on top Connie's house, too - it's completely immobile, so how did it manage to land itself there? Something just doesn't seem to add up here, don't you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"If the villagers had managed to get away, then why are the horses still in the stables? It's like everyone vanished, without a trace." I voiced my concerns aloud, then tapped my chin in deep thought. "What do you think, Bertholdt?"

Caught off guard by my sudden query, a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. "What do I think? I... I don't know. It's strange, but it does look like Titans came here."

"Does it? It's almost like spontaneous generation, don't you think?"

"W-what do you mean by that?"

Gelger and another senior officer came walking in, prohibiting me from further pressing Bertholdt. The tall boy retreated to Reiner's side, shooting me a anxious glance as I withdrew from his interrogation.

"Hey, there's something strange about this place. Did you guys see any dead bodies around?"

"No," Reiner shook his head.

"I didn't either," Bertholdt agreed.

"Neither did I," I added.

"Is that even possible? For Titans to destroy a whole village and leave not even a drop of blood behind?" Gelger inquired, unconvinced.

"I'd say this means they all managed to escape safely! Because if they really were devoured, there would have been at least some traces left! But there's none, so this must mean that nobody was eaten, I'm sure of it. They must have discovered the Titans ahead of time and managed to get away!" the officer beside Gelger, Renee, exclaimed.

She seemed to look convinced of her own words, but her voice was heavy with the burden of forced optimism. I was certain even she realized how strange the circumstances were, but she'd lied anyway in order to lift Connie's spirits. Connie, however, did not pick up on the reluctance in her tone, and instantly nodded his head. Or perhaps, he did notice, but wanted to believe those words he so dearly wanted to hear.

I had long ago learned not to fall for or allow my judgment to be wavered by the false optimism of others. I learned that accepting the worst initially was better than holding high hopes that would end up being crushed. If you were to receive news of a flood in your village, and were convinced your family had perished in the disaster, wouldn't you be in for a pleasant surprise if your family turned up at your door in perfect condition? I found it better that way than to hold yourself into believing that they would be fine, only to find out that they'd died along with everybody else. At least, those who were realists were prepared to accept the worst of the worst, while those who dreamed were always vulnerable to getting hurt.

Connie, whether or not truly believing her, had taken her words to heart, clinging onto the thin thread of hope that dangled before him. Convincing himself she was right, he appeared even more miserable than he had been before. I wanted to believe that they had all escaped safely, but there was a heavy burden of doubt seated upon my shoulders, trying to bring me down. The way things looked when I had done an investigation of the area, it wasn't very likely that everyone had gotten away, yet at the same time, it didn't look at if anyone had been eaten, either.

Were they kidnapped? No, the Titans undoubtedly lacked both the intelligence and the patience to kidnap humans. If they hadn't escaped, nor eaten or kidnapped, then what was the logical explanation of this?

"Have we gathered enough torches yet? Let's set out to locate the breach in the wall. Get ready to depart," Gelger ordered as he untied his horse. Queen, who I had left at the house beside Connie's, was prepared as soon as she saw me approaching her.

As I mounted her, my dagger fell out of where I had been holding it, and onto the grass below. Everyone was up ahead getting ready, so I had no choice but to pick it up myself. I slid off of the saddle, stooping down to retrieve the sheathed weapon, sticking it back onto my belt. I got back onto my horse, slowly leading her towards the others, who were leaving the village. Pausing right behind Connie and looking back, I felt a mixture of sorrow and confusion as the full scene of destruction came back into my field of vision. Even if I'd tried, even if I had promised I would protect Connie and save his family, I still wasn't able to do a single thing. Such was the cost of foolishness, of clutching onto that false hope which eventually wound up betraying your trust and stabbing you in the chest when you were least expecting it.

"Lilianna, let's go," Reiner called, seeing as I had stopped to reflect upon the devastation. "It's almost nighttime."

"Right."

As I lead Queen out of the village, something inside me compelled me to take one last look back. That Titan, who had been lying on top of Connie's wrecked home, had its eyes wide and its lips parted, a low rumble emitting from deep within its throat. Its eyes were fixated on something, following it as it moved further and further away. It was not me, that was for certain. I lifted my gaze to follow its line of sight and saw that it was staring right at Connie, almost as if it were transfixed by him. Was it possible? For a Titan to be so transfixed it continued to watch him, and only him, leave?

"Wel...om home..."

My blood ran cold, as if everything inside of me had been turned to ice. Jaw fixed in an expression of mortification, my two eyes nearly popping out of its sockets in my state of mortification. A cry of horror threatened to burst from the confinement of my restraints, lingering at the surface, trying to find a way out - but it wouldn't come out. My ears - had they heard it wrong? _No_. I'd been looking at it when it had spoken, its lips moving in sync to the words it had uttered, right there before me.

'Welcome home.'

Connie, too, had seemed to hear it, and stopped in his tracks to stare back at it. "Huh? Just now, did it..."

I was so stunned, so bewildered that no sound escaped from my slacked jaw. My countenance transgressed what I'd always prohibited myself from expressing, and that was of unmitigated fear. Never would I have anticipated something to this magnitude was even remotely possible for a Titan to accomplish - I'd have them fly, or sprout wings before I had them do something idiosyncratic to the human race - to speak. The blood was pulsing loudly in my head, all the gears that made up my mind spinning erratically in a multitude of directions. Those wide, pointed eyes of the immobile Titan latched itself onto my own, as if seeing through my very being - it felt as if I were translucent, that if you were to stab me the blade would simply cut through thin air. I gulped, my lips tremulous as I found the strength to speak.

I whispered the words of the Titan to myself, my hands clutching onto the reigns so tightly that my knuckles had gone white from the exertion of such force. Reiner suddenly whipped around, grabbing Connie on his shoulder and shaking him out of his daze.

"Hey, Connie, hurry up or you're going to be left behind!" he shouted.

"Reiner, did you just hear...? Right now, that Titan, it just..."

"I heard nothing!" he retorted. "Now's not the time to be talking! Focus on the mission!"

"You know, somehow, that Titan," Connie started, quaking uncontrollably, "I know it's crazy, but somehow it looks like my mom..."

"Your... your mom?" I spoke, my voice almost inaudible. I was numb.

"Y-yeah, its crazy, but-"

"Connie, do you realize the situation we're in? Do you know how many thousands of lives our actions affect? Or do you want to day indulging bizarre illusions like that is more important to you than that?" Reiner boomed, jolting me out of my haziness. "If you're going to let your imagination run wild, at least use it to picture your family escaping! And if you're a soldier, do your best right here and now!"

Connie shuddered for a moment with hesitation before nodding his head. "You're right!"

With that, he tailed after Reiner and Bertholdt, leaving me fixed in my position, my gaze glued to the face of the Titan whom Connie had said resembled his mother. It followed his retreating form, tears streaming down the side of its face.

"Welcome back... Con...nie."


	12. Chapter 12

[Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I've been pretty busy with school and going to places haha. So here's chapter 12! And also, thank you for the 47 follows! I didn't think I'd make it past 10 to be honest, haha~ My fics are uploaded on ej-fanfiction . weebly . com by the way!]

* * *

_On that one fateful day, everything I had was lost to me, and in the worst possible way. That innocent, joyous perception I once had of the world was shattered the instant those dark, foreboding eyes had peered ominously over the wall, reminding mankind of the presence of our greatest enemies - the Titans. But who was the true enemy? Who was the real threat?_

_That day, I vowed to seek revenge. I was going to right the wrongs, even if it meant I would have to take drastic measures to do so._

* * *

Chapter Twelve: At the stake

(Warnings: Manga spoilers, strong language, violence, etc.)

Nightfall came and we coasted along the wall, near to where the breach was predicted be located. Carrying my torch about me, beads of sweat collected along my brow as Queen trotted quietly through the shadows. I kept my wits about me and my senses on high alert, knowing that at any given moment, we could be ambushed by Titans. The dark was terrifying – the light from our torches only expanded to a certain radius, gradually cutting us off and leaving us roaming through the unknown. Without our strongest sense, sight, we were greatly impaired. Anything could jump out at us through the blackness and we would hardly have the chance to counterattack it.

Knowing this, I kept not only my eyes open, but my ears as well. Because Titans relied heavily on sunlight for their energy, the possibility of us encountering large numbers of them was smaller than in the daytime, but there were always a multitude that still lingered about in the late hours. The darkness didn't help us any; the moon was concealed behind thick layers of clouds, only thin beams of the light able to penetrate the gaps. The thin slivers of light did not do much, however, so we were forced to trek through the enigma of the twilight.

What I couldn't shake from my mind was the peculiar behavior Reiner had previously exhibited back at Connie's home village. Reiner had made haste to interrupt and divert the itinerary of the conversation when Connie had noticed something strange about the Titan lying upon his house. Needless to say, Reiner's comportment was indeed questionable. Why had he reacted in such a way, when I doubted even he had missed such a vital instance? His eyes, which were always so serious and composed, had exhibited an emotion akin to panic when Connie had questioned the Titan. He and Bertholdt had constantly been exchanging mutual glances and hushed words ever since then, completely unaware that I had keenly watched them since the evening.

They knew something that they weren't telling the rest of us, that was for sure. The question was – what was it that they knew, and what purpose did they have that they were hiding it from us? Could they possibly be Titan shifters? Or did they somehow hold knowledge of why that Titan was that way? Waves and waves of unanswered questions inundated my system. Bertholdt and Reiner – just _who_ were they? If they were to be trusted, which ideally they were, then what possible explanation would there be for their clandestine exchanges?

Bertholdt caught me watching them and was quick to avert his gaze elsewhere, swallowing the lump in his throat. As if on cue, Reiner glanced back at me, meeting my narrowed eyes with his unsettled, golden ones. Connie noticed the small gesture, looking back and forth between the two of us in confusion.

"H-hey, what's up with you, Lilianna?" he whispered, so that only I could hear. "You've been staring at the two of them weirdly for a while now."

"It's nothing," I assured him. "I'm just nervous is all. I'm surprised they aren't pissing their pants already."

Just then, we spotted lights up ahead. We reunited with the West Team, composed of Nanaba and a few others, including Krista and Ymir. It was relieving to see familiar faces after so much time in the darkness. The tension was still as high as ever, but knowing there would be others with us lessened the burden. Gelger confronted Nanaba, who was in charge of the other team.

"You guys running along the wall as well?" he asked.

Nanaba nodded her head. "Yeah. Where's the breach located?"

"Huh?"

"What do you mean, '_huh_'? We've been running along the wall all the way from the west, but found nothing of note. Since the breach wasn't on our end, it must be on yours," Nanaba replied.

"No. We found no breaches either."

We soon stopped at the ruins of a castle close by, retiring both our bodies and that of our horses, which had been pushed to their limits. Using my torch to light the way, I entered the chilly castle through the front door, Krista and Ymir close at my side. The dark passages were illuminated by the yellow glow of the fire, creating a pathway for us to take. We congregated in the central room, exhausted and ready to sleep. I nestled myself beside Connie, taking off my jacket so I could drape it around my shoulders. Closing my eyes, I rested my back against the cold, stone, wall, my head falling to the side. There was too much on my mind – if I were able to get some kind of sleep, I could forget about all of these plaguing troubles, even if only temporarily.

I found that it was impossible to sleep, especially with people talking around me. Burying my face in my hands, I pushed my hair out of my face and stared blankly down at the ground, listening in quietly to the conversation taking place before me.

"Connie, what became of your village?" Ymir inquired.

"It was destroyed. We arrived there after it'd been infiltrated by Titans," he told.

Ymir appeared to be genuinely remorseful. "I see. I'm sorry to h—"

"However, nobody was eaten. It seems like they managed to escape safely. At least some kind of relief about this whole ordeal," he trailed off.

"But didn't you say the village was destroyed?"

"Well, the buildings were destroyed, but no victims among the villagers. When people get devoured, you can find blood and other traces at the scene, right?" Connie pointed out. "There was nothing like that there, so the only logical assumption is that they all escaped in time. Only, there's something that's been bothering me ever since. The Titan lying on my house. It couldn't move with its body like that, yet for some reason it was taking a nap right on my house…"

Reiner, who'd been pretending to sleep, instantly opened his eyes at the mention of that Titan.

"And the thing about it is, somehow, its appearance… it really reminded me of my mom," he mumbled. "What the hell can that mean?"

"Connie," Reiner intercepted, just as I had anticipated. "You still keep saying that nonsense. Are you really that much of an idiot?"

"Huh?"

"Reiner, _you_—" I was cut off when Ymir suddenly burst out laughing, everyone in the room turning to look at her as if she had gone completely insane. On the surface, it was as if she was taking it as a joke, but something told me there was more to it. Just a moment ago, she had looked plagued with sadness over the news of Connie's village, but the next, she was keeling over, laughing until tears were streaming down her face.

"I must be tired," Connie sighed, rubbing his temples therapeutically.

"Why don't you go sleep on Lilianna's lap then?" Ymir cackled, refusing to give up on her teasing.

Flustered, Connie turned to snap at her. "Shut the hell up, shithead! Sheesh, you're giving me a headache…" he sighed. "Lili, ignore that dumbass. Well, knowing you, you probably don't really care what she has to say."

"You're right about that."

"Hey, you bitch," Ymir smirked in irritation. "Come say it to my face."

"I don't care what you have to say," I spoke, smiling at her as I said it.

Connie laughed, the first time the whole day.

"You sure about that? Because you seemed pretty interested that time when I mentioned the Lance Corp-" I clamped a hand over her mouth, glowering dangerously at her. Everyone, including the senior officers, watched in astonishment as I easily subdued her, preventing her from saying any more. However, her words had already reached the ears of the others, and each person in the room cast me a curious eye.

Reiner beamed. "Hm? What's this about Lance Corporal Levi?"

"What about him?" I spat.

"Lili, what is she rambling about?" Connie asked, completely oblivious. I ignored his query, basically suffocating Ymir so that she wouldn't say anymore. When he turned to everyone else, no one but Krista offered him an explanation.

"Uhm, I may be wrong, but I think Ymir is trying to say that Lilianna likes the Lance Corporal," she chuckled in good nature, rubbing the back of her head.

"You're wrong," I retorted, slightly indignant.

"If she's wrong, then why are you blushing?" Reiner grinned triumphantly. "You can't fool me. You like the guy, don't you?"

"I am not blushing," I growled. "And I do not like him!"

"Sure, Lilianna, I believe you... _Not_."

"I dare you to say it to my face, Reiner," I challenged. "Come over here."

"N-no thanks."

Bertholdt smiled, laughing lightly at Reiner and I's small exchange. "This is unexpected."

Connie nodded his head vigorously. "Sure is. But Lilianna, why didn't you tell me? If you'd said so earlier, I would've helped you out," he sulked. "I didn't know you were interested in him that way."

"I'm not! Geez, shut the fuck up already," I cried in exasperation and released a half-conscious Ymir. The comedic relief eased our situation, for both our moods and the moods of the seniors, who were chuckling amongst themselves. I covered my face with my jacket, hoping to find some sleep. Ymir and Reiner vanished to search for something to eat, leaving the rest of us in the central room. I was only asleep for a few minutes when someone burst into the room, delivering terrifying news.

* * *

"I wonder," Levi spoke aloud, staring up at the moon peeking out behind the clouds. Eren turned to look at him curiously, hearing him speak out of the blue.

"Wonder what?"

Levi glanced at Eren apathetically as he responded. "Tch. It doesn't matter, anyway, whatever she's doing now."

Eren carefully studied Levi's demeanor, a small smile coming about his face. "Who, Heichou?"

"None of your business. You're pretty damn nosy, aren't you?" he growled. "Keep yourself out of this, will you?"

"If you say so..."

Levi scowled noticeably. "Tch, kids these days..."

* * *

"No fucking way, those bastards can still walk around?" I demanded, a sea of Titans down below us. As a spectator from atop the roof of the main tower of the castle, I could see a mob of Titans swarming down below. It was far into the night, so the fact that so many were still walking around was alarming, to say the very least. If we were to have our gear in possession, it wouldn't be such a dire situation, but here we were, completely unarmed and surrounded by Titans determined to have us as post-nighttime snacks.

"The moon finally emerged from the clouds. That's when I saw all of them..."

"How come?!" Gelger cried. "How come they can still move, when it's been so long after sunset?"

One Titan in particular, with a tall figure and long arms cradling its round, protruding belly, roamed around, searching for a way up. Without prior warning, it lifted its gaze upwards, staring right at me with dark, black eyes and murderous intent. It was if the Devil himself had been manifested in this Titan, its blood-chilling stare enough to cause a ice-cold shiver to run down my spine. I tore my eyes away, hearing Connie cry out aloud.

"Hey! Look over here!" he shouted. He pointed out, the rest of us following his line of sight until we realized what he was looking at. "_Huge_... Just what is that thing?"

It was a gigantic Titan, unlike any I had ever seen before or heard about. Its body was covered in thick, coarse brown hair, its arms so incredibly long that his massive hands dangled below his knee. The head of this Titan was tiny in comparison to its broad shoulders and its wide, bulky torso. It resembled an ape, possessing features far from anything I could ever imagine belonging to a Titan. I was struck with a numbing fear as I watched the creature advance towards Wall Sina, completely ignoring our existences. It had to have noticed us, I was sure of it, but instead of coming over to kill us, it had left us to the terror of the minions he had led here while he headed straight to the innermost wall.

My heart was racing deep within the cavities of my chest as I steadied myself against the ledge, feeling nauseous. I hadn't eaten since the early morning and I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I clutched onto my head, trying to ease the throbbing in my temple when Krista stepped in and helped me retain my balance.

"Thanks," I said, just as the whole tower shook with the force of something hurling itself against it. The Titans were closing in, and were now directly beneath us. Some were even breaking through the front entrance, dismantling the wooden door and crawling inside. If we didn't do something fast, soon enough, Castle Utgard would be riddled with them. I gulped, my hand brushing against the dagger enclosed in my pocket. If anything at all were to happen, at least I would have this to use. The Titans that had fit through the door were smaller ones, so it'd be much easier to deal with them than the huge ones lumbering about.

Nanaba pushed her way through the crowd, drawing out her blades. "Step back, rookies. From this point on, it's time to use our 3D Maneuver Gear."

The four senior officers withdrew their weapons and leapt off the tower, heading straight into the sea of Titans below. We were ordered to go inside and barricade against the Titans, so I led the group down the winding staircase to gather things to block the door.

"I'll go check how deeply they've penetrated the building," Reiner announced, running further down the stairs. "The rest of you go collect sticks, planks, anything and bring it all here."

"Reiner, wait!" Bertholdt cried. "Wait, I said!"

"Thar stupid idiot," I grumbled, realizing that he wouldn't turn around and wait for us. "Forget it, we can't stop him. Follow me. I think I saw some old weapons in that storage room down the hall."

They followed my lead, running as fast as we could down the cold, dark passage, hearing nothing but our labored breathing and our loud, frantic footsteps on the ground. As I'd remembered, there was an old cannon sitting in the storage room, along with a few other tools and weapons. As we were gathering things, we heard Reiner shout from downstairs, alerting us of an incoming Titan. Bertholdt grabbed a pitchfork and dashed out to save his friend. I helped Ymir, Krista, and Connie push out the cannon, dismayed that there was no gunpowder to operate the cannon with. The most we could do with it was to ram a Titan with it, but that in itself was better than nothing.

We discovered Bertholdt and Reiner struggling with a Titan, the pitchfork stabbed into its eyes, temporarily disabling it. We rolled the cannon down the stairs, the two moving out of the way in the nick of time. The cannon smashed into the small Titan, pinning it underneath and crushing the life out of it.

"Now what? All I found is this knife. Should I cut out the nape of its neck?" Connie inquired.

"Forget it," I said. "It can't move anyway. Let's just focus on getting back upstairs, there are other Titans sure to follow that one."

"Right," Connie inclined his head. Just then, a huge shadow emerged from the shadows - a Titan, heading straight for Connie!

I grabbed my dagger and rushed down to save him. I was too late, though. Reiner had made it first, shoving Connie from the line of danger and pushing the Titan away from him with his bare hands. I caught Connie before he could topple over, just to see the Titan sinking in its teeth into Reiner's forearm. Now, he was locked in mortal combat with humanity's biggest enemy, with no weapon whatsoever to defend himself with. I unsheathed my dagger and charged in for attack, only to have Connie grab me by the arm, stopping me.

With great strength, Reiner managed to lift the Titan up onto his shoulders, his face contorting into an expression of strife as he headed towards the open window, his arm still in its jaws.

"Reiner, you can't be planning to jump out the window with him, are you?" I demanded.

"What other choice do I have?" he argued.

"No, wait! If I just slice the muscles in his jaw, we can get your arm out," Connie exclaimed, rushing in with his knife at hand. He severed the muscles connecting the top jaw from the bottom, allowing Reiner to pull his arm free. Ymir and Bertholdt forced the Titan out the window, then rushed over to an injured Reiner.

"Are you okay?"

"Stupid idiot, why would you throw your life life away like that?" Connie asked. "You could've died!"

"But if I hadn't done anything, you'd be dead, too," he spoke, hissing in pain. Blood was dripping down onto the floor as he clutched the open wound, preventing it from bleeding even more than it already had been.

"Dumb shit, willing to kill yourself just for us," I berated. "You're fucking stupid, you know that?"

He merely grinned, sweat dripping down the sides of his face. "I knew you were going to say something like that." He grimaced, clutching his wound tightly in his hand. "You're welcome, Lilianna."

"Idiot, stop smiling and get upstairs before you bleed to death," I snapped. "Bertholdt, can you help Reiner up?"

"Y-yeah, of course."

The quiet, tall boy immediately rushed over, supporting Reiner with his arms as they headed to the next floor. Krista and Ymir nodded at me before following suit, leaving me alone with Connie, who seemed as if he were still digesting the fact that he had nearly been killed by a Titan when he had his back turned. If it weren't for Reiner, Connie was sure to be injured right now, maybe even dead. I had to commend Reiner for his bravery, though foolish as he was - if he had not done what he'd set out to do, I would surely have lost a precious friend of mine.

"You care about Reiner in your own way, don't you?" Connie asked. "You act mean, but your intentions are good."

"What makes you think that I care for him? He's a moron," I returned. The boy peered into my face, before smiling widely. "What is it? What's with that smile?"

"I can tell you do," he replied. "You don't like trusting people, I know that. I might be a dumb fuck, but I can tell if someone trusts me or not. You trust me, don't you? It took a while, but now your true colors are showing."

"I do trust you," I confessed.

"If you trust me, then trust Reiner and Bertholdt, too," Connie said. "I've seen the way that you've been looking at them. We're all friends, aren't we? We've been together from the start, so we're basically family now. I understand it's difficult for you and all, but please, trust the two of them. Reiner nearly killed himself just to save me."

"Alright," I complied, "I'll take your word on it."

Little did I know that I would regret this later on...

* * *

"Reiner, sorry about earlier. Seems like all I do is get saved by you, huh," Connie laughed dryly. "Come to think of it, you risked your life to save me from Annie, too. One of these days, I gotta return the favor."

Reiner was seated on the floor, his wounded arm now bandaged up and placed in a makeshift brace Krista had constructed from using some cloth from her skirt. His bone had been fractured from the strong bite of the Titan, but it appeared as if besides the searing pain and emotional trauma, he would be fine. He waved his hand at Connie, shaking his head and declining the offer.

"It's nothing, just forget it," he spoke. "I'm a soldier, I only do what I'm supposed to."

"Well, I wonder about that. You never hesitate to put your life on the line. I doubt my resolve can compare," Connie remarked. "Say, Bertholdt, was Reiner always this way?"

Bertholdt, who had his back turned to us, shook his head. "No. In the past, he was different from how he is now. He was a warrior."

Reiner glanced at him in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean? Warrior? What are you even talking about?"

His tall, dark-haired friend merely stared at him, his lips firmly sealed together. Ymir paced over to the open, arch-shaped window, peeking outside. Our superiors had nearly cleared the premises of Titans, save for a few who were still putting up a fight. Seeing them fighting so valiantly with such expertise only made me think about the Lance Corporal. Had he gotten the message yet? What was he doing now, at this very moment? I longed to see him again. Even if he didn't return my feelings, I had vowed to give him my life and the seat of the Commander. In doing so, I would still need to kill Erwin Smith, or rid of him somehow.

With all that had been going on, I had been sucked into all of the action and had forgotten why I'd truly wanted to join to Survey Corps in the first place - to rid the world of Titans, and to attempt a coup on Erwin Smith when he was least expecting it. My success was riding on gaining his trust and finding the right timing to take him out. I could leave no witnesses, none who could point fingers at me and figure out that I was the one who had killed him. Nobody knew of my past with the Commander - I had always left that part out purposely; if nobody knew, I had nothing to be worrying about. The Lance Corporal himself - did he remember me? Did he remember That Day, or had it just been filed with the rest of his past experiences?

A sudden crashing sound grounded me, the whole tower quaking as if something huge had just smashed into it. Everyone immediately bolted upstairs, where we found Nanaba and Gelger kneeling above the dead bodies of the other two officers, Rene and Henning. There was a gaping hole in the side of the tower, and upon my peering over the edge, I saw that a boulder was the culprit behind their deaths. I gazed out at the wall, seeing the silhouette of what appeared to be the Ape Titan from before seated atop the Wall. Had he done this? Then, did that mean that he possessed, might I dare say it - _intelligence_?

"Look!" Connie suddenly shouted, pointing to the South. "More Titans approaching, more than twice the count of before!"

"What did you just say?" Gelger demanded, gritting his teeth together.

"The moment they chose to show up... it all looks like they're doing this according to some actual kind of plan," Nanaba conjectured, rising to her feet. "It feels like we've been played from the start."

* * *

While everyone remained at the top of the tower, I stole back downstairs in search of weapons. Running down the unlit, cold passageways, the only sound I could hear was the pounding of my heart and my short breaths as I traveled through the tower, praying I wouldn't run into any Titans on the way. I discovered a room full of guns and rifles, but nothing that would be of use against the giants roaming around outside. It wasn't as if I would be able to find any 3DMG around here, either, else I would be outside helping Nanaba and Gelger out. Rene and Henning had lost their gear when they were impacted by the boulder, so there was no way I could borrow theirs.

So, now what? Nanaba and Gelger would only last so long. Eventually, their gas was going to run out, if it hadn't already. Then, what would become of the rest of us, who were utterly defenseless? I wouldn't be able to accomplish my mission and achieve salvation for my family, nor would I be able to see him again. I collapsed against the hard, stone wall, burying my face in my hands. I hadn't even the opportunity to tell him how I truly felt. Even if he rejected me, at least I could go to sleep knowing that I'd confessed my genuine feelings rather than keep them pent up. It was a cruel, merciless world out there, in which any second my life could be cut short - I was keen on living each second to the fullest, with no regrets. There was no guarantee I would still be alive the next day to tell my story.

Here, in a state of helplessness, I pictured my family, my friends, what was once my hometown - I could see my reflection in the pond, that child-like, innocent smile on my face as I skipped rocks with Aaron, Mom and Dad watching the two of us from underneath the shade of the tree. I saw myself back at trainee camp, sitting in the back, with a disinterested expression on my face and glaring dangerously at anybody who tried to sit near me. Eren, back then, had been the first one who'd spoke to me. I had introduced myself back then, something I never did, because I felt a connection to him. It took me a while to realize it was because he resembled Aaron a lot, in looks and in personality. I had hardly spoken to him throughout the two years, but we'd always retained a distant friendship, a mutual understanding because we had both seen hell.

Then there was Marco Bodt, that freckled, whole-hearted boy popular for his philanthropic disposition, optimism, and prowess. He was earnest, hard-working, and willing to try anything, his spirit never wavering for even a second when it came to training. He had wanted so badly to join the Military Police back then, and not for the luxury of living within the innermost walls. He genuinely aspired to give his life up in order to serve the king, something I never really understood about him. However, it was his truthfulness that drew me to him. He was so different from me, treating me with such kindness in spite of my reputation as being the harsh, taciturn girl whom people spoke to often but still retained their distance.

Thinking back, I couldn't recall how Marco, Connie, Jean, and I became friends. Perhaps it was Marco who'd introduced them to me in the first place, because he was always the type who enjoyed making friends. He was probably the one who pulled us all together, such an unlikely bunch considering I was so withdrawn and thought of Connie and Jean as idiots. I had to thank Marco for that, didn't I? If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been able to rediscover what true friendship was. If only he was still with us, so that I could thank him properly.

'_You're even more determined than you seem, Lilianna_,' Marco had said when I had revealed my dream of joining the Survey Corps. I hadn't thought much about it back then, but now, it came back in this dark time to remind me that I couldn't give up, not here, not ever. If Marco were here, he would definitely have scolded me for allowing myself to be just as weak as I'd accused others of being. The irony of it all was almost terrifying.

'_We haven't trained for two years for nothing. We can't give up when we're barely just starting_,' I heard Marco say. '_Don't you want to make your parents proud_?'

I did. I wanted to be able to become a great soldier so that they could be proud to call me their daughter. Marco still lived on in my heart, rooting for me when all I wanted to do was sit there and shamefully await my death. I tightened my hands into fists and rose to my feet, thanking Marco as I made a dash back up to the roof, where my friends were waiting for me. For them, I needed to be strong. I needed to be the tough, brave Lilianna Kriger they knew, not the one who was helpless and weak and afraid of death. When I burst out into fresh air with my spirits on a high, I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the screams of horror coming from down below.

Slowly forcing myself to the edge, I watched in mortification as Gelger and Nanaba were torn into pieces and devoured right before us, leaving us all to ourselves. Their shrieks were soon muffled by the jaws of the Titans closing in on them, killing them instantly. My hands fell to my side, and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. The feeling of dread soon replaced all the energy and optimism left in my body, leaving me debilitated and unable to retain my balance any longer.

I fell to my knees, gazing down at the swarm of Titans desperately trying to reach us. Eventually, they would make it up, or the tower would collapse and crush us all along with it. There was no way the tower would hold for much longer, not at this rate.

"Those bastards killed Nanaba and Gelger," I growled, spiteful feelings welling up inside of me. "If I was equipped, those things would be dead by now."

"Even if you were equipped, we wouldn't let you go out there all on your own," Reiner suddenly said.

"Why the fuck not, Reiner? You're so willing to throw your life away for others, you damn fool," I argued. "You're not the only one who wants to do something with your life, so stop being so selfish. I want to kill those monsters who destroyed everything I had and took away my family, who did nothing wrong, nothing but pretend like everyday they lived in a world of peace, free from the Titans waiting outside. And I want to find the motherfuckers who killed so many innocent people and made me into what I am today. The Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan - they'll die by my own hands. And that Ape Titan from earlier, he was the one who was behind this, wasn't he?"

"Lilianna," Reiner trailed off, shocked by my loathsome words.

"_Shit_!" Connie cried, realizing what kind of predicament we were in if even I failed to keep my composure. "At this rate, this is where all of us... All we can do is sit and wait for the tower to collapse and them to devour us right after? Is that it? Is that really it? Isn't there something we can do?! _Shit_..."

Everyone watched as Connie buried his face in his hands, cursing our fate. He voiced everything we were all thinking, but fearful to speak aloud, lest we appear like cowards with crushed resolves. Turning a burning eye to the Titans clawing at the foundation of the tower, I listened in as Connie picked off where he had left off.

"I at least wanted for my death to have some kind of meaning or purpose, but we're all going to be annihilated before even completing our mission," he murmured.

"Me too," Krista agreed. "I don't want to go down without a fight. I wish I had a weapon so we could all die fighting together."

Ymir stared at her in shock. "Krista, how can you say that bullshit?" she demanded. "Don't you dare to look at our superiors' deaths that way. They didn't die so that you could use their deaths to make an excuse to justify your suicide."

Surprised, Krista hurriedly jumped to fend for herself. "Y-you're wrong! I never intended to-"

Ymir cut her off. "I know you're not like Connie or our commanding officers. You don't really want to die. You always think in what way you could die so you could get praised for it, am I wrong?"

"No, it's not like that!"

"Krista, you might have forgotten something I said to you long ago, but..." Tears collected in Ymir's usually apathetic eyes as she gripped onto the petite girl's shoulders. "Since itself probably the end, I want you to think back, and try to remember that promise you made me in the snowy mountains."

Stepping back and allowing her ample time to think, Ymir smiled gently at Krista, watching as the darkness slowly faded away and the sun began to peek out over the horizon. I gazed longingly out into the distance, the sight rejuvenating me and reminding me of that bright, generous yellow sun I would greet every morning during my childhood. My mom had once told me a story about how the world once had ten suns and every day when they rose they'd scorch the earth with their immense heat and prevent anything from growing. So one day, a man named Houyi used a bow and arrow to shoot down nine of the suns, sparing one so that it would continue to light up the world. That sun that had been spared was the one who rose up in the sky every morning, flooding the earth with its warm glow.

Reminiscing of a tale I had always been told as a child, I didn't even notice anything going on around me until Ymir had suddenly leapt off of the tower, a knife in her hand. Horrified, my eyes bulged out of my head as I watched her fall down to the hungry Titans below, unable to solve a thing to stop her. A burst of energy pushed me back, rendering me blind for several moments before my vision eventually cleared. A new Titan had emerged, jumping around and destroying everything in its path. Ymir was nowhere to be seen.

That's when I realized - _Ymir was a Titan_.


End file.
